AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION

Location; Somewhere in an asteroid field near the Helix Nebula   in the Aquarius
constellation at Non station K.L.S.D  ( Inside the gigantic asteroid known to the locals as
“Big Daddy” )

TIMELINE…EARTH TIME- THE YEAR 1999 OR SOMETIME AROUND THERE…




It began like any other day aboard the busy space station that   Elvis Mellon called
home,  when  not aboard his starship, “The Visigoth.” Elvis  awoke in his darkened sleep
chamber, in his private suite on deck nine,   to the annoying sounds of the alarm bot. He
was right in the middle  of dreaming about Tawny Kittaen and a container of German
potato salad,   nerf balls  and a game of "Twister" (DON’T ASK…..) when beeping and
loud sirens invaded his sleep. He sat up on his large, round, floating bed feeling he
needed to shave his tongue and  displacing the very large and aggravated cat that had
been curled up on his chest, which was now on all fours (claws extended) on his lap.
“GET OFF ME- WITH THE CLAWS!!!"    Elvis shouted at the top of his lungs, pushing
the cat off of him as the lights automatically came on in the room. The small foot high
robot alarm blinked and beeped on his end table as the cat rolled off of  him , growling
and complaining. “Some of us are trying to sleep you know!"  Elvis rubbed his eyes and
yawned. “Some of us have a radio broadcast to do!” and he picked up a sneaker lying  
next to the bed and hurled it at the little   bot. It missed and hit the wall and the robot
bleeped louder and the blinking lights increased until Elvis screamed.  “O.K I AM
FRIGGIN - UP!!!” and the robot went dead.

Elvis got up and threw the covers off of him, covering the Cat that had curled up again
where he had been laying. “HEY!!!?” came the “Paul Lynde” sounding voice from under
the covers. Elvis stood in his Spiderman boxer shorts and stretched, yanking the covers
off the cat and throwing them on the floor. The cat rolled over on his back to have his
stomach scratched.  “I’m still a cat you know! It’s your duty to bestow affection on me
even if I AM your personal secretary and administrative assistant and only pretending
to be your pet.” Elvis obliged and scratched the big Tom cat until he   purred and shut
his eyes in bliss,  then Elvis stopped and scratched his own rather impressive stomach
and his ass   and went into the bathroom for a shower,

shave (under and above the beard) and…well never mind. When he came out wearing
his blue satin bathrobe and holding a copy of "Galaxy Girl"  , he found the cat awake
and sitting up on the bed watching the large holo vid screen that had extended from the
ceiling. The image of “Jack Benny” ( * for those of our readers who don’t know who Jack
Benny was- He was a famous American comedian who’s career spanned the decades
from the 1930’s through to the 1970’s and who’s “shtick” was being a cheep skate. He
talked in a very drawn out way –“Ohhhhhhh  Rochesterrrrrrrr” ) Elvis knew of course
that this wasn’t actually the real Jack Benny but his friend the super computer –
cybernetic holographic  being  named,  “Virgil” ( His ships computer ) “Ohhhhhhhhh,
Elvissssssssss, I see you finally woke up….GOOD. ( it was clear that Jack Benny/Virgil
was looking at the magazine in Elvis's hand )  I hope everything came out alright?
ANYWAY,  I just received a transmission from your home planet on the hotline, the Bat
phone as you like to call it. The large gray, “smoke” colored cat turned to look at him
and then back at the screen.

“Yes Virgil, who is it?” The image of Jack Benny in a black tuxedo with his trademark
black plastic square framed glasses; folded his arms and placed one hand on the side of
his face, caressing his cheek.“Its President Clinton , I will put him on the split screen so
we can all conference.” The image of President Bill Clinton appeared next to the image
of Virgil/Jack Benny. Elvis stood attention and   saluted as  the cat stood up on all
fours. “Mr. President, an honor indeed. You remember my personal assistant Smoky? -
It must be a matter of dire emergency for you to be contacting me?”   “Hello, Elvis, and
good to see YOU- Smoky! My, My, I must say that it’s still hard to get used to a talking
cat, no offense intended - Smoky.” The cat nodded-“None taken sir.” Well, gentlemen, it’
s dire indeed. There’s no easy way to say this… Santa Claus has been kidnapped by
some unknown individuals or group with a negative agenda, and its NOT Martians like
in that stupid movie from the early sixties.” Elvis went pale white and the cat looked
shocked. “SANTA CLAUS

HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED??!!” They both exclaimed in unison, and then Elvis added.
“Hey, I liked THAT movie!! It came out in 1964, “Santa Claus conquers the Martians”
also titled “Santa Claus defeats the Martians”  -John Call played Santa Claus and a
young Pia Zadora – Va Va voom ( winking at President Clinton –who grinned and
winked back…) as a Martian girl.” The cat looked at him with heavy eye lids. “ARE YOU
THROUGH with your reverie? –Sorry Mr. President, He’s a bit of a film and pop
culture nut.” The President held up his hand as if to say it’s alright.  “That’s O.K-   
Smoky, I know about Elvis’s love of film and music, we shared many a good talk

over a good bottle of Hennessey and some Cuban cigars.  Elvis approached the holo
screen- “Who did this sir? The Draco?  Or the Grays? Al Qaeda? Or maybe-
S.P.E.C.T.R.E? , How about-  O.J Simpson?"   The President shook his head negatively.
“We don’t know, Elvis - we were hoping YOU could tell us. Do you think it could have
been those big bugs?”  Elvis cringed and held a finger to his lips. “Shhhhhhhhhhhh, with
all due respect sir- DON'T  even mention the super mutant cockroaches!!   “I didn’t, I
just said Bugs….”  Elvis put his hands on his hips and looked from the President to the
cat.  “Well, sir- we had better come back to Earth and have a look around and see what
we dig up!” “Good, let me know when that fancy starship of yours is in orbit and

bring that Doctor Sax  fella and the big green thing . Is that huge spider still with you?”
Elvis nodded and smiled. "Oh yeah, the neurotic son of a bitch is still complaining about
how your Black Ops and secret service guys shot at him.” The President chuckled.
“Well, we didn’t know he was a member of your crew, when we saw him walk into the
Oval Office we thought he was some kind of alien monster!”  Elvis grinned and chuckled
too. “Well, in most parts of the Galaxy- He IS an alien monster!!”  “See you all when
you get here, God speed Elvis.” Elvis held up his hand like he had a question for the
teacher. “Uhh, sir? May I ask why you called me? You have some pretty good resources
on Earth?” The President looked towards Virgil’s side of

the screen.  “Well, We got the C.I.A, The F.B.I, Black Ops, Interpol, MI5 and MI6,
MAUSSAD, The Green Hornet, Nick Fury, Spiderman, all out looking but they haven’t
found a dammed thing! Batman and Superman were busy; The Flash is on
vacation……Need I say more? We need YOUR expertise and knowledge. You umm….
think like a criminal and have that ….umm…. deviant edge the others don’t have ( Elvis
blushed...) " and I mean that in the best way! But let’s face it, you aint know Boy
Scout!  See you when you get here- signing off.”   The screen went back to just Jack
Benny/Virgil – who said “See you aboard the ship,  you  had better get someone to fill
in for yourrrr Radio show.” And the image faded, the holo screen sliding up into the
ceiling.  Elvis got dressed while talking with the cat. “Jeeeeeze, Smoke- who do you
think would want to kidnap Santa Claus?”  The cat sat on the edge of the bed, next to
Elvis- while Elvis put on his trademark green Converse Basket Ball sneakers - “My
money’s on either Osama Bin Laden or Enstavro Blowfeld.”

Several levels below Elvis Mellon’s private suite – Zik was sitting at his brothers bar
and grill, perching his enormous abdomen on one of the barstools with his many legs
grasping the metal railing near the base of the bar that the humanoids used  to rest
their feet. His brother Zak was the owner and proprietor of “Big Daddy long legs.” A
smoky and dimly lit-“dive bar” with pool tables and holo suites that many disreputable
denizens of the space station found to be a second home.  Zik’s brother “Zak” looks just
like him except instead of Zik’s purplish-violet tint-Zak is tinted dark blue. Zak stood
(on his ten plus- legs) behind the long dark plasteel bar, using his many appendages to

simultaneously wipe down the bar, clean glasses, play checkers with one of the
amphibious-Aquallaron patrons, stir a big pot of chili, pour a drink of high grade all
purpose oil for one of the off duty service/maintenance bots that work for Zak and Ziks
brother Zek-( the station chief mechanic and head of the maintenance dept.)  To Elvis
Mellon it might have been early morning but to the rest of the station it was early
evening and the bar was starting to fill up with regulars. Zik was nursing a large glass of
Rocket Fuel and chatting with his brother when the swinging saloon doors opened in to
the bar  and Elvis Mellon strode in with the cat behind him ( walking under the
swinging doors ) “Zik ,Zak,  Good morning, … How’s it hanging? Uhh plate of eggs and
chili and a big tall Bloody Mary, heavy on the Vodka and with a splash of 151 , please?”

Elvis sat on the bar stool to Ziks right and Smoky jumped up onto his lap. Elvis lit a
smoke and took a sip from the glass that Zak slid over to him while still stirring the
chili, washing dish’s , playing chess, drying glasses, etc. “Hey Zik, remember that Earth
Holiday called Christmas I told you about?”  Zik rolled several glittering eyes towards
Elvis and several down towards the cat. "Yeah, the one where they celebrate the guy’s
birthday who makes loaves of bread out of fishes?” Elvis smirked.  “Close! But no cigar,
YOU KNOW the one about the guy who was really an ascended master, a planetary lord
who could transcend physical matter and project in and out of the 3rd plane and he
manipulated his atomic structure to regenerate his body after the local government had
him tortured and put to death in a public execution and then he  rose from the

Dead but 2000 years later everyone thought that part was made up by an emperor who
re edited the books written about the guy ,  even though he really did raise the dead
and heal the sick and give sight to the blind. And then not that long ago in Planet   
Earth time - some writer wrote a book about the guy and how he really had a wife and
kid who the emperor had any reference to- stricken from the story, so he could use the
followers of the guy for his own political agenda? Its a long story.....anyway, somewhere
along the line this guy named Saint Nick got involved and they made him immortal for
all his service to humanity and these elves hung out with him near the north pole of our
planet and they built toys to give as gifts to the children of our world to celebrate the
birthday of the guy I mentioned" Ziks looked confused- " so this Saint Nick dude used
to hang out with the guy who turned wine into bread?”   Smoky put his front paws over
his eyes. “You are such a dope….”  Zik moved his massive head closer to Elvis “O.k, O.k,
WHAT’S the punch line and WHO is this Saint Nick /Santa Claus  guy anyway?”   

Elvis took a sip of his drink and dabbed at his mustache with a cocktail napkin from the
bar. “ Well Zik,  Saint Nick is quite a character. Now I am going to tell you what he told
me one night when we shared a bottle of Single Malt Scotch called “Old sheep shagger.”

Several years ago when I had the privilege of meeting him. As you know, we   are going
to Earth and our second stop after meeting with President Clinton at Area 51 is going to
be the North Pole and hidden  in the North Pole is  Christmas valley and Christmas
town. Christmas town was  established and founded by the being that is now known to
the world as Santa Claus - well over 1,100 years ago. Santa Claus – as he is known
now,  was born as a mortal man some 8000 or more years ago  some where near  what
is now the   Finland/Russian border. This was then a barbaric and savage wilderness
called  "JOUTUA -LTA KANNATTAA"     which literally means “Land of the Bear” in
Finnish and “Krisanov Kringlehelm” was born in a small village in a vast forest near the
fabled “Land of Somnia” ( For those who are not familar with the legend of Somnia- *
Somnia was  a mythical kingdom cursed by the Norse God
Loki -half brother of Thor and son of Odin  and Somnia  fell into darkness and eternal
sleep and according to legend was removed from mortal lands and placed in the land of
dreams )
Well  Krisanov was orphaned when his parents were killed by a cave bear that
wandered into  their village at night looking for food  and caught them sleeping. Only
Krisanov escaped alive and he  had to fend for himself after that and he was only a
young child then. The villagers cast him out  as he was an extra mouth to feed and he
was forced to  lived like a wild animal in the cold winter forests of that far northern
land. He eventually killed the cave bear that ate his parents and moved into its cave
and became a hunter of renowned and rescued other orphaned children and those cast
out and made a home for them. He married the daughter of a wood cutter who had
befriended him and since they could have no children of their own , they took in more
lost and outcast children. His good deeds and kindness became the stuff of legend and
one fateful night while hunting deep in the frozen woods Krisanov came upon what he
thought was a young child , cold and hungry and  Krisanov showed him kindness and
wrapped him in furs and shared his provisions with him. This was no ordinary boy but
the son of the Elven king of the hidden land that lay to the north west of Joutua-Lta
Kannatta. Unlike the tall, fierce elves further

South, these elves were short in stature and   very secretive and shy of mortals. For
Krisanov's  kindness The King of the “ lta l; pohjanpuoleinen” ( Finnish for “Elves of the
far north"  ) took in Krisanov and his wife along with all of  their many adopted children
and  granted them the gift of becoming immortal like themselves as Krisanov and his
wife were by the standards of those days very old then. The Elves were excellent toy
makers and loved to craft things with their hands and they taught Krisanov and his
family their skills and craft and after many years of living amongst them the
Kringlehelm family, though now immortal longed for the company of other humans and
to see other lands and they left with the blessings of the king to call upon

Them if ever they needed their help. It was in Krisanov nature to help people and to be
kind to children and though the world had changed in the years they spent in the
hidden elven realms children were still in need of love and kindness and the
Kringlehelm clan moved further and further south over the decades and centuries,
taking on many names and identities as they moved.  Krisanov was already 7000 years
old by the time his family and he lived in what was in the 3rd century a.d part of
Greece and is now Southern Turkey. He called himself “Nicholas.”  He was very moved
by the true teachings of the man known as Jesus (Joshua Ben Joseph) and had met him
several times in his travels and
Knew he was not an ordinary man either but an Ascended Master with several past
incarnations as an avatar. Nicholas ( Krisanov ) decided to help children and adults
alike by following the example of the now fallen and risen Jesus ( Krisanov knew as a

“vessel of light” he had indeed resurrected to show humanity their great potential as
hyperdimensional beings ) and he performed selfless acts of giving and charity and   in
order to help institute change from with in the  close minded and tyrannical Roman
empire that dominated a large section of the western world then with both an  Eastern
and Western empire, Nicholas joined  the Christian faith or rather incorporated some of
the essence of it in with his own vast belief system  and followed the true inner
teachings which preached love, tolerance, compassion and had reincarnation as its
cornerstone. He rose through the ranks of the early church until he became the bishop
of Myra. Under the emperor Diocletian many Christians were being persecuted and
Nicholas was imprisoned and suffered and was exiled for his acts of kindness and

charity. He easily could have escaped as he had what would be considered
“supernatural powers” back then as taught to him and bestowed upon him by his
adopted Elven brethren   but he felt he should make a stand with the common man.
He eventually got out and went back to doing good deeds and helping people and trying
to teach the real knowledge- NOT the bullshit that was later used as a control measure
and that’s why he went to the Counsel of Niacea in 325 a.d  to try and stop Constantine
from editing out all the references to reincarnation and the fact that Jesus married
Mary Magdalene –an Egyptian priestess and like Jesus , carried the genes of Atlantean
priest kings  ( winking at Zik who sat there with all twenties eyes on him…) and she also
knew he was an ascended master who was also called “Sananda” like one of his

previous incarnations as the Buddha’s chief disciple-ALSO called “Sananda” – NOT to
mention Aristotle and Enoch, Well - ANYWAY- Old Nick couldn’t get them to leave that
stuff in because they were corrupt and just out to pervert the true teachings to their
own selfish needs  and out of disgust he left and later  faked his death as Nicholas in
336 a.d. He then  went by the name Kris Kringle and   brought his family back  across
the empire to Northern Europe and spent several centuries   in the vast , dark forests
of what is now Belgium and Germany   and eventually they moved to the French and
German alps in Alsace Lorraine,   where he knew the descendants of Jesus and Mary  
were living ,  being the heirs of the Merovingian Dynasty. Kris decided to go back to
Finland and to see if he could find the entrance to the Elven realms even though the
world had changed and Somnia and the other lands were faded from the Earth. Kris
found the portal to the enchanted lands now removed

from mortal lands and he and his family were reunited with the Elves and he was
inspired to start bringing toys to children on the official celebration day of Jesus’
birthday- December 25th. Kris knew it was really in April and the Greeks and Russians
celebrated it on January 7th   and lets not forget that he was present as Nicholas the
bishop of Myra when Constantine chose the original birthday of Mithras and the same
day celebrated as Saturnalia by the Romans and the solstice of his own people and the
peoples of pagan Europe –among others. Well Kris started going out every December
24th at midnight and bringing toys to those less fortunate and eventually the King of
the Elves suggested he move somewhere out of the way and hidden like the Elven
Kingdom and he let those elves that wished to help Kris and his family go with his
blessings and Kris kept moving farther north until he came to the pole.

He often visited his old haunts including Holland and he made good friends with a black
guy named Pete, a Moor from North Africa- who helped him deliver presents and those
that saw them thought he was Saint Nicholas from Greece and they were right in a way
and some called him Kris Kringle and some called him Saint Nick and eventually Santa
Claus- AND The punch line-old buddy IS- SOME evil assholes have captured Saint
Nick, who they now call Santa Claus and President Clinton wants US to investigate it
and try to find the old guy.” Zik rolled several more eyes at Elvis.  “I liked that Clinton
guy but I didn’t


Appreciate being shot at by his body guards! Is that girl Monica going to be there
again?” Elvis’s face drained of color.  “I certainly hope not…I still owe her a new dress,
ANYWAY….we ship off this morning, er TONIGHT, as soon as I brief Doctor Sax and
the others. Now DID THAT answer your questions about Saint Nick? ” Zik shrugged
“Saint WHO?”  and took a deep gulp of his volatile Rocket Fuel as Elvis gave him the
finger. Zik  then let out a huge belch, smelling of rocket fuel - which hit Elvis’s lit
cigarette, causing a big blue fireball that flew towards Zak, who deflected it with a big
Chili spoon,-causing it to ricochet all over, bouncing off pots and pans- the maintenance
bots square head, Zik’s shiny abdomen – and into the pot of chili, causing it to bubble
and steam. Zak dug in with a spoon and poured the now rocket fuel flavored chili onto a
plate of several scrambled eggs and slid it over to Elvis- “Your breakfast sir…..”

Elvis was devouring his eggs and chili while the cat stood on his hind legs with his front
paws on the bar-eating from the side of the plate closet to him. Zik was suggesting they
both should have taken some “Beano” when the front “Saloon” doors swung open again,
dramatically and Doctor Sax swept in wearing his standard uniform of an ankle length
black trench coat, long, brightly knit scarf ( also  hanging down  by his ankles ) and his
wide brimmed floppy hat.  Grond padded in behind him causing the floor to vibrate
slightly from his weight. Zak waved a pinchered claw “Doc, Grond…what will it is,
boys?” Grond looked around at several of the female Aquallarons and six breasted
Lamoraxan “call girls” sitting at the other side of the bar and licked

his lips. Doc Sax punched  him in his huge bicep. “HE MEANS TO DRINK!” Grond
grinned and nodded. “OH, Me understand!! Me have gallon of beer and pot of chili
please!” The Doc  nodded to Elvis and the cat and looked sideways at Grond.  “Give me
a double shot of draconian whiskey   and an industrial sized can of air freshener.”  
(Pointing to Gronds ass) Elvis spoke with a mouthful of eggs. “Doc, did Smoke give you
the skinny on our assignment?” Doc Sax pushed his hat up to reveal his piercing blue
eyes, the eyes of a professional assassin and mercenary among other things…. “Well,
yes and no, he said to meet you two here
but he didn’t tell us why.”  Elvis looked down at the cat as the cat meticulously cleaned
himself. “What? - you were to busy annoying me to give them the down low?”  Smoky’s
eyes turned to slits,  which always meant he had reached his threshold of tolerance for
Elvis’s sarcasm.  “Well, under the dire  circumstances I thought perhaps you might
want to tell them in person as you know the victim personally.” The Doc touched Elvis’s
arm. “What’s up chief? It sounds serious?” Elvis finished mopping up his portion of

eggs and chili with a piece of white bread and nodded to Zak to refill his drink. “Doc, it’s
enough to make me drink heavily….” (Winking and grinning at him)  Two large male
chimpanzee’s in blue shorts and silver capes came walking in on all fours and then both
stood upright and hopped onto bar stools. Hector was four  years younger Sedgwick and
in chimp years they were young adults but they were also genetically enhanced  with
200 plus I.Q's  and the ability to speak well over 500 Galactic languages and they were
both integral members of Elvis’s crew.

Sedgwick took the role of Hectors older brother and his voice reminded Elvis of Danny
Devito. “Sorry, were late, boss. Hector  talked to me into watching “Silent Running”
again."  Elvis nodded  in understanding. “Yeah, The ending sucked when Bruce Dern set
the ship to self destruct but at least one of the drones- Huey? Er Dewy-one of them,
played by Kenny Baker of Star Wars R2D2 fame, got to float away in one of the eco-
domes, tending the plants and critters.” Smoky finished cleaning himself. “Are you done
with your review? Let’s brief them and get aboard the Visigoth before Virgil blows a
gasket.”  Meanwhile, Zak had lifted the huge pot of chili over to the bar, placing it in
front of Grond and then handed him two big oven mitt’s. Grond put on the

mitts and lifted the three quarters filled vat to his mouth and swallowed the entire
contents and then slid the empty pot towards Zak. The chimps and Elvis all got up and
moved several bar stools down from him and the cat followed suit. The Doc  held up a
big can of air freshener as if expecting the worst. Sounds of gurgling and bubbling came
from deep with in the hairy humanoids bowels. Zak started closing all the glassware
cabinets and removing any breakables as the other patrons of the bar grew silent in
anticipation. A sound like buzz saws and Kawasaki dirt bikes with bad muffler pipes
came ripping through the bar followed by a Greenish brown cloud that came out Gronds
ass. The Doc  was up on his feet, holding his scarf over his

Mouth and nose and spraying Gronds hind quarters and the cloud with his aerosol can.
Zak flicked a switch and turned all the exhaust fans on high “Can you go out into the
hall or out to one of the hanger decks when you do that next time? It doesn’t bother me
but Im loosing customers.” Grond turned to see several customers lying on the floor
either comatose or twitching and convulsing.-  “ME, Sorry Zik’s brother Zak,  Me just
showing how much me  like your chili!!!” Elvis pulled out a wad of galactic currency and
threw it  on the bar in front of Zak and then announced. “The next 2 rounds on me!!” as
medical bots arrived to drag several victims out of the bar. “O.k guys, seriously-OH and
GOOD one Grond, remind me to have you use that as a weapon….INTENTIONALLY!!!-  
sometime. I had you all paged because BACK on my home planet, which you have all
visited at one time or another, a certain cultural icon of world wide significance has
been kidnapped!”  “They kidnapped  Gilbert Godfrey?!” exclaimed Hector and covered
his mouth with both hands.

“NO – they didn’t kidnap Gilbert Godfrey , YOU  DUMMY!! They kidnapped Santa
Claus!” (Sound of gasps)
Everyone including the Doc  was wide eyed with mouths agape (Elvis could have fit his
head-WITH HIS HAT ON….inside Gronds mouth….)  “SANTA CLAUS??!!!” they all
shouted in fear and confusion. Grond looked the most upset. “Me like Santa!! Me have
fun when you took us to North Pole!! Me like Easter Bunny too!! - Easter Bunny O.
K??!!”  Elvis held his head in both hands like he had a bad migraine. “Easter Bunny fine
Grond!! SANTA MISSING…Jeeeeeze –NOW I’m talking like you!!!   Elvis’s watch
beeped “Elvis, old boy- (Virgil – in Cary Grant voice) I am beaming you all directly
over to Visigoth –hold tight.” In a flash of bright white light they were all at the bar in
the Visigoths

lounge (minus Zak and the other patrons) and they were even sitting at the same places
or in Elvis’s case –standing. The holographic bartender looked like Sheldon Leonard *
(for those of our readers who don’t know who Sheldon Leonard is/was- he was a now
deceased –famous actor from the late 1930’s and 1940’s who played “Nick the
bartender” in the Christmas Holiday classic film “It’s a wonderful life”  He would later
become a famous producer of classic tv shows like "Gilligans Island " ) This was of
course a subroutine of Virgil’s but with its/his/her  own  separate identity and
sentience – Now delivering lines from the film. “What will it be Elvis? Elvis played
along. “Give me a flaming rum punch.”  “Nick” leaned over- “Hey look, mister - we
serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we

don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I
have to slip you my left for a convincer?”  Virgil appeared out of thin air, now morphing
into Jimmie Stewart as he looked in it’s a wonderful life- as “George Bailey” and in
Jimmy Stewarts famous drawl. “Say Elvis, Have you informed the crew of the mission
perimeters?”  Elvis leaned on the bar with Smoky leaping up onto to it and sitting on
the bar by his left arm. “Yes- Virgil, I mean….uhh George…and   Colonel T.P Sommo is
already there on special assignment, I briefed him earlier and he is already at the North
Pole interrogating, I MEAN interviewing the elves.”  Grond looked dreamy.  “Grond like
elves!! Me see more elves??” Everyone was gathered near him as the stars streaked by
outside the large bay window to the right of the bar. “YES, Grond- You will get to see
plenty of elves soon.”  Grond smiled “And me like President Clinton too!! Me have fun
last time we go there to see him!!” Elvis smiled weakly.  “Yes, well the less said about
that Fiasco the better.” Zik nodded his head “Amen Brother, you said a mouthful.”  
Virgil/Jimmie Stewart-

As George Bailey stood close to Zik and smiled wanly. “Yes, but your just a scurvy little
spider, Mr. Potter!!”  Half of Zik’s twenty eyes rotated to meet Elvis Mellon’s two.
“Later can we go to the holosuites and hang out in Bedford Falls on Christmas Eve?”
Elvis grinned and nodded. “Yes, but this time I get to play Clarence the angel.”  Smoky
made a choking sound like he was coughing out a hair ball and mumbled. “You mean
fallen angel.”

Meanwhile back on Earth – at the North Pole, In Christmas town, Colonel T.P Sommo
and a small detachment of Black Op’s “soldiers”, dressed in back snow boots, with
heavy black parkas with the fur lined hoods pulled up and their snow goggles still on,
entered the front offices of Santa's workshop.  Mrs. Claus had been contacted and she
agreed to let the Colonel Do things his way to extract information from the elves that
were present during Santa’s disappearance. The Colonel and his men were armed; the
Colonel with his pearl handled revolvers and his men with glock 10’s. A small elf with a
shock of blond hair under his green pointed hat was brought out from a

side door and with a nod from the Colonel  he was tied to a chair by the large desk in
the middle of the room and the silver piece of duck tape was pulled hard from his
mouth. The Colonel pulled his hood down,  revealing a thick head of jet black hair with
distinguishing gray temples. His mirrored aviator sunglasses reflected the elf’s terror
stricken face as the Colonel took off his snow goggles and tossed them on the desk. The
desk was cluttered with paper work and snow globes depicting various Christmas
scenes in parts of the world that had snow. The four soldiers stood towering over  the
elf who only reached their upper thighs when he stood. He barely reached their knees
now that he was sitting down.  The Colonel pulled the chair out from behind the desk
and sat in it, putting his shiny black boots up on the desk and unzipping his parka and
the top buttons of his uniformed jacket underneath. He pulled out a flask from inside
his parka and a glass and poured some brown liquor into the glass.

The sound of howling winds could be heard through the frosted window panes in the
office’s “front” area on either side of the cloak room door. The entire office was
decorated in greens and reds and with garlands of silver and Pine boughs and blinking
Christmas lights. A fire burned bright in an old stone fireplace and the smell of
cinnamon and  pine needles mixed with the delicious aroma of apple wood smoke. The
little elf was slightly bruised on his left cheek and blood trickled from the corner of his
mouth. The room was silent save for  the ticking of a coo- coo clock on the wall, the
crackling of the fire ,  the wind howling outside and  the panicked breathing of the elf.
The Colonel lit a cigarette on a long holder and stirred his drink with the pointer finger
of his bare left hand. He wore a black leather glove on his right.


“This will go a lot easier on you if you just fess up son!!” He took a pull from the
cigarette and held it, then blew the smoke towards the elf. “WHERE THE F#$% IS
Santa Claus? WHO has him? ……Son…I aint no dummy and this stinks of an inside job!”  
The elf with the features of an eight  year old boy was actually over fifteen  thousand
years old and trembling with fear but he wouldn’t speak. “You’re a tough little son of
bitch aint ya? Well we have a remedy for that!” The Colonel nodded and one of the men
went through  the side door and  came back out with a large “Black Board” and placed it
on the desk in front of the elf and held it there. The Colonel took off his leather glove
and the elf’s eyes widened in horror when he saw the Colonel's  right hand had long
manicured finger nails. The Colonel sneered and stood up , clutching  the other side of
the board with his left hand and slowly brought his right hand –with the long nails
towards the board. The elf flinched when he saw the soldiers putting in ear plugs and
then ear muffs over them and turned away from him and the board. Hundreds of yards
away in the heated reindeer stall-  Rudolph and Blitzen looked at each other in surprise
as the sound of screams were  carried on the wind.

Back in the front offices of Santa’s workshop the little elf sat slumped in the chair with
his hands tied behind his back, his face was red and streaked with tears. “Please, NO
MORE! I’ll talk, just don’t scratch the black board or whip me any more!!”   The Colonel
stood with his left boot up on the chair and a riding crop in his right hand. “Hell son, I
aint seen no one hold out that long with the black board before!” He put his boot down
and walked back behind the desk and sat down- “Well? I am waiting…..”  The elf tried
to sit up straight “It wasn’t us!!! I swear!! We would never hurt Santa, WE LOVE
SANTA!! It was a flying saucer, a BIG one!! We were doing a test run on the latest
sleigh design and Santa only had four reindeer with him- Dasher, Comet, Cupid and
Vixen. They were cruising low over the town when this big silver saucer came out of the
clouds and caught them in some kind of tractor beam and then beamed them into the
ship.”   

The Colonel leaned forward and pointed his riding crop at the elf as his men stood at
attention next to him.   “Well then WHY didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?”
The elf grimmaced-  “Oh common, the moment anyone says “flying saucers” everyone
looks at you like your crazy!!”  The Colonel glanced up at his men and then back the
elf.  “Uhh, son….I don’t know if you noticed …. BUT YOU’RE A GOD DAMMED ELF!!!  
YOU THINK PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU FUNNY FOR MENTIONING FLYING
SAUCERS??!! If I were to tell anyone in the outside world that I just got done
interrogating a F@#$ING elf with pointy ears and a green and red suit with Candy
Canes and jingle bells and I interrogated him in GOD DAMMED Santa -God dammed
Claus’s workshop at the North pole,  they would be fitting me for a God dammed

straight jacket!!! But that’s the nature of my business now and IF YOUR boss’s
acquaintance, Elvis Mellon-WHO I KNOW –YOU KNOW because he told me to look you
up when I got here and said the little guy named Hermes with the blond hair is filling in
for Barnaby –Santa’s top elf,WELL -SON- IF HE and President Clinton hadn’t told me
that Santa Claus and the elves are REAL and I hadn’t just spent a few years or decades
in outer god dammed space running around with aliens and riding on plenty of God
dammed flying saucers……I WOULD say you were right!!! BUT SON…….I am more God
dammed freaked out talking to a God dammed elf……then any alien or God dammed
space monster!!!”

The Colonel got up from his chair and pulled a knife from his pocket and cut the elf’s
bonds himself.
He then produced another glass and poured some booze from his flask into it and
handed it to Hermes the Elf, who took it with trembling hands and sipped it gratefully.
The Colonel then lit two cigarettes, one he put in his holder and then in his mouth and
the other he handed to the elf , who took it with the ghost of a smile and inhaled deeply.
“ITS tough being an elf nowadays sir…..no child over three believes in us, everyone is
so friggin cynical!! They don’t believe in ANYTHING!! They think we are all made up,
the Tooth faerie, the Lochness Monster, Bigfoot, The Easter Bunny, Jesus, Buddha,
Aliens!! YOU AND I  KNOW they are ALL REAL but 99% of humanity is so closed
minded and smug!!! They are destroying themselves and this planet!! All the wars and
pollution and hate, bigotry, intolerance, it’s unbelievable!! It’s a wonder Santa Claus
even bothers anymore!! (Voice cracking) Why do you thing the incidents of drug abuse
and alcoholism are so prevalent among elves?  the suicide rate has doubled….” The
Colonel

reached down and put a hand on the elf’s shoulder. “Im sorry about before son, we had
to be sure you were telling the truth."   The elf blew smoke out his small nose and
looked thoughtfully into his drink- “Sir, do you think Santa will be  alright?” Colonel T.P
Sommo stepped back and sat on the edge of the desk- “Elvis Mellon and the Visigoth
are on their way here as we speak. If anyone can find Santa HE can, I am sure Santa is
fine.”
Somewhere in an undisclosed part of the world, in a darkened room- Santa Claus sat
chained with his two elf companions on a cold, hard metal bench. They were stripped
down to their red flannel long johns and their mouths were gagged. Santa had a splitting
headache and his powers were not working.
"They must have some sort of dampening
field"
–he mused. Light filled the room for a brief instant as a door slid open and the

bright contrast hurt his and the elves eyes. A tall,  black  hooded and robed  figure
came in and stood towering over them and a voice, sounding metallic and filtered –
boomed in the room “Give us the location of your hidden valley and Christmas town and
all of your accumulated wealth and knowledge or we will kill your reindeer and force
feed them to your elves!! MUUUUUAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH””  

TO BE CONTINUED....
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