ELVIS MELLON VERSUS THE NAKED VAMPIRE WOMEN OF PLANET DOOM.

AN ELVIS MELLON ADVENTURE

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION  




On the peaceful frontier world of Cesspoolus # 3,  in the Southern hemisphere of the
planet, the small but burgeoning colony of Tranquilis was greeting the dusk. Unlike
the savage and barbaric frontier world known as Earth
(that most of the Galaxy had a
case of the heebie jeebies over the mention of ...)
  Cesspoolus # 3 was fast becoming
the travel destination of the adventurous and wealthy tourists from around the
Galactic Confederation. Jeff Jetstoned was not a tourist but a colonist and a 3rd
generation frontiersman. He sat on the   back porch   of his comfortable villa,  with his
huge ,   Plaedian   Anachrid-
(A monster spider -  similar  to  “Zik” in size-  about  the
size of  a  mid sized sedan automobile.
) named  “Lauren.”  Jetstoned was a “bear” of a
man with an impressive build and a muscular frame, short cropped dark brown hair –
framing a ruggedly handsome face,   mid forties, humanoid, a Plaedian-
(identical to
“Earth” Homo sapiens - Earth humans ARE mainly descendents of Lyrans who in

turned colonized and terra formed habitable worlds in the Plaedies –that’s why Elvis
Mellon- the Earthling that got loose in the “civilized” part of the Galaxy- was often able
to simply   blend in…)
  Jeff Jetstoned    was also a  “Jack of all trades” and  had
attended several University’s off world on scholarship's  and worked mainly as a
Geologist and mining consultant on the outskirts of Tranquilis in the “Great rust
desert.” He also had several sidelines as a Zoologist, Anachrid   expert and handler,
Collector of beer steins from around  the galaxy and an  authority on both modern
and antique space and atmospheric craft -  NOT to  mention that he was also pretty
handy with a wrench and was considered one of the Confederation’s foremost
authorities on beer, ale and distilled spirits ,   so it was only natural  that Elvis Mellon
would be one of his biggest fans as Jetstoned was

Of Elvis’s radio and holo vid programs and his legendary exploits, as well his
scandalous misadventures in the gossip rags. They had become fast friends and
Jetstoned had served as a “consultant” for “Team Elvis Mellon” on several occasions
and occasionally
( when he could take some time off  -away from his family for some
brief interludes)  
- He had become an honorary member of   Elvis’s crew and
accompanied them on several adventures
.   Though Jetstoned was fascinated by the
sentient Anacharids of Zik’s species, his main study and love was the feral, and
aggressive, predators of the Plaedian “out worlds,” The large, hairy and often deadly
sub species known as “Tarantus ingestus” or in common vernacular-  “The Black
Wraith.”  Jetstoned had discovered upon raising several specimens of the species from
hatchlings that they were  highly intelligent and capable of affection and cognitive
abilities and they bonded with him. He had to put the others in a zoo habitat but he
kept Lauren and raised her as a beloved family pet and she would fiercely protect his
wife, Diana, his High school sweetheart and wife of  twenty five  years
( now a local
3rd grade  school teacher)
 and their twelve  year old son-Jeter. Sadly, Lauren was
jealous of the family Dog “Old Blue” and she ate him one night when everyone was
asleep.

The huge , hairy spider  made a low purring sound as she leaned her massive, hairy
legs against her master as they watched the sunset over the red rust colored desert,
as  the lights came  on and started  twinkling at the far off mining facility nestled in
the foothills of the Brokespine Mountains. The two large blue moons seemed to glow
in the green tinged  sky, darkening as the dusk gave way to mother night.  Jetstoned
scratched his well trimmed  beard and patted Lauren's  leg. “Yeah, Lauren , it doesn’t
get any better then this.”  But he tensed up when he felt her course leg hairs bristle
and stand on end    against his tan skin.  She suddenly  growled and stood  displaying
her eight legs in combat position and he saw her twelve  black, shiny eyes swivel
towards the North West as a strange shrieking sound filled the cool night air. Jeff
Jetstoned was not a man who was easily scared, but when he saw the jagged outline
of the sleek, Bat winged ships flying in low towards the colony town of Tranquilis –
One, his knees almost buckled. He ran inside, screaming for his wife to grab the boy
and head for the storm shelter . He frantically punched the keypad on his holo
transmitter as the first explosions were heard. Lauren was making a horrible growling
sound and whining to go out but Jeff barked a command for her to stay by him in the
house. The thuds of   Dermite concussion grenades were getting closer and the
shielding and force fields he had activated were operating at 60% capacity.

Light years away  in his dimly lit studio, Elvis Mellon –Intergalactic pirate radio station
rock and roll d.j , Media celebrity and part time superhero – sat at his console, his
green Converse basketball sneakers resting up on the lower panel of his “work
station.” He was half way through his four  hour “night time” radio show, a steaming  
mug of coffee
(With Jim Beam) by his microphone.  He picked up the mug and took a
sip and with the other hand ,   flashed his station manager
( a dark green hued
“Aquallaron” that resembled a bipedal man sized frog with protruding neck gills and
shiny scales , and a crop of  lighter green sea weed like hair on his head,  wearing a
white button shirt, black tie and dark blue slacks )
the thumbs up, which the station
manager
(Named “Frank”)   responded to with an irritated look as he held up a sign that said
“GO TO COMMERCIALS.” Elvis pressed a button and the jingle for “Black Hole grape
flavored laxatives” starting playing.   
“If your event horizon is standing still- get relief
with the grape flavored pill-  it will blast out all that compacted crap- and put your
colon back on track!!”
 The red light above the door turned green and Frank came in.
“I told you not to dedicate that Black Sabbath song “War Pigs” to the Draco High
council!! Their ambassador’s office has been calling all morning and I got management
breathing under water down my neck!!” Elvis leaned back in his chair and gulped the

last of his coffee and stubbed his cigarette out in the Draco skull ashtray
(the Colonel
had given him for his birthday)
and then he swung his long legs down from the
console and jumped up surprisingly quickly for a man of his rather large size. “Look
Frank, you know and I know that I don’t give a crap what YOUR management thinks!!  
Your Grand Pooobah  or what ever he is -  the big chief muckity muck- Prime
Minister- “old fish face”
( Franks bulging eyes BULGED even farther out )  told me that
this station is my home as long as I want it and that I am an official ambassador to
your civilization from Earth AND I get to do things my way!!”  Frank was about make a
retort when the consoles holo vid screen activated and the image of a large gray cat
with black plastic bifocals appeared. “Hey Boss, Oh Hi Frank…Um Elvis, Virgil said
there’s an emergency transmission on channel 131 from Cesspoolus # 3.”  Elvis
looked annoyed. “Why couldn’t Virgil just pop on and tell me?” The cat showed his
fangs in his version of a grin. “He said he was busy ignoring you, I will patch the
transmission through.”  The cat

disappeared and the static filled image of smoke and fire and swirling clouds of black
smoke took his place. A man appeared, his face bruised and streaked with soot. “Elvis
is that you?” The large man nodded. “Yeah, Elvis Mellon here, Is that you Jetstoned?
JEFF? What’s going on?” sounds of explosions and laser fire came on the audio
speakers in the studio with bursts of static as the image faded in and out or was
replaced by vertical lines and "snow".  “WEY’RE UNDER ATTACK HERE!! TH, THEY  
……
(shshshshshhshshshhzhzhhshsh)  ITS  THE NAKED VAMPIRE WO…
( SHSHSHHSHSHHHZHZHHSHSHHZHZHZHHH…)  PLANET DOOM….
( SHSHSHXHSHSHSHSHSHSHHZZ…)  SEND HELP!!   PRIVATE SECURITY FORCE
DEFEATED…
( SSHSSHSHSHSHSHHSHXHXHSHHZZ )  …GALACTIC ALLIANCE
FLEET 2 DAYS AWAY…..YOU CAN BE HERE FAS
(SHSHSHSHXHHSHSHSH) …………”  

Elvis Mellon looked at his station manager. “Well, looks like I am needed elsewhere. I
recorded about 100 hours of back up shows for here and the holo vid. Talk show.”
Frank’s transparent membrane eyelids closed over as did his outer green lids
-( a sign
that he was annoyed and his sciatica was acting up. )
" GO……just go…… you spend
more time gallivanting around the Cosmo’s on that fancy pants ship of yours with that
crew of imbeciles then you do here anyway-AND STILL get high ratings…….SO  what
do I know? I’m just the provincial amphibian who’s never left my star system….never
been around the galaxy…never even seen the inside of the Visigoth…..” The big man
blushed. Now your making me feel bad, when we get back I promise I will give you a
tour of the ship and let you come along on a few adventures-DEAL?” The frog faced
humanoid grinned. “You got a deal! Now get out of here before someone sees me
being nice to  you!”

It was a typical night in “Big Daddy long legs,” Zik’s brother Zak was behind the bar,
multi-tasking. His many appendages busy wiping the bar, cleaning glasses, stirring a
pot of soup, playing chess with 13, flipping channels with the remote on the big holo
vid above the bar
(it could be viewed from any angle. ) Zik was perched on his usual
seat
( an extra large stool- to support his massive girth ) his front right claw clutching a
large tankard of premium rocket fuel.  Doc Sax was sitting next to him with his collar
up and his wide brimmed hat pulled down, his eyes in shadow. He was starring into
his beer as Zik complained to him about his latest imaginary problem. “Someone
keeps stealing my tooth paste and I think its either my brother Zek or Elvis.”  The Doc
rolled his eyes and raised   the brim of his hat for effect. “YOU DON’T HAVE TEETH…..
AND WHY WOULD Elvis sneak into your quarters and steal your toothpaste? And how
about Zak?”


Zik swiveled  ten of twenty eyes to meet the Docs. “I KNOW I don’t have teeth, BUT I
use it to polish my front and inside Mandibles
( his mouth extended and the Vice
grip/Pincher - like Mandibles opened and a smaller set opened- all looking like they
were chiseled or carved from cut glass or crystal, gleaming and twinkling in the
overhead lights )
.The Doc leaned in for a look  “O.k.…I get your point….but I think
your imagining things.”
The double saloon doors swung open and Elvis Mellon sauntered in as a cheer went
up from the crowded pub. He walked through and around a clump of drunken
Aquallaron's  and narrowly avoided tripping over a slow moving maintenance bot as it
rolled by on its tank tread chassis. He crowded in between the Doc and Zik, forcing
the Doc to move over one bar stool, which he did with a slightly pissed off expression
as he slid his beer over as well. “Hey, GENTS, WHATS SHAKING?” Zik and Doc Sax
both mumbled “Nothing.” Thirteen

looked up from down the bar and when he did Zak took the opportunity to move a
chess piece in an illegal move that was clearly cheating but Thirteen  pretending not
to notice so he would keep getting every other beer free. He winked one large shiny
black almond shaped eye and turned his little mouth in a smile for his boss. Elvis
nodded and called over above the din. “Hey, Thirteen , why are these two
(gesturing to
Zik and the Doc)
such sad sacks tonight?”  Thirteen  nodded to Zak who put the chess
board away and he hopped off his bar stool
(his feet didn’t reach the ground when he
sat)
and picked his mug of beer up with both hands (it seemed huge since he was the
size of a small child with a very large head)
and padded over to where they were
sitting. “I didn’t know it was my turn to psychoanalyze them.”   Elvis unbuttoned the
lower button on his sport coat and scratched his impressive beer gut. “Your hanging
out with that cat too much, I have never known you to be a wise ass!” Thirteen  
climbed up on a bar stool next to one of Zik’s “knee joints” and rested an elbow on it.
“Sorry, sir, Smoky has been “schooling me” He said it was customary where you come
from to…”bust balls?”

Elvis shook his head as Zak scuttled over to join them and  Tapped a gleaming, sharp
pincher claw on the bar in front of Elvis. “What’s your poison tonight my good man?”
Elvis leaned his elbows on the bar and rested his bearded chin in his hands as he
scanned the bottles behind the huge spider. “Surprise me, but don’t make it too
strong because I have to drag these guys out on a mission in a little bit.”  Doc Sax
perked up and sat up straight. “Mission? What’s going on chief?” Just then Colonel T.
P Sommo and Grond came through the swinging doors in mid conversation. The
Colonel was yelling at the green, hairy giant. “That’s the last time I take you with me
to a  black market  weapons show and flea market! Those
Tellmorian’s were there to trade arms, THEY WERE NOT LIVESTOCK TO BE EATEN
RAW!! GOD DAMMIT-  SON, YOU
(looking around at faces in the bar and dropping to a
whisper)
almost started a F#$%ING war and   got our asses killed!!!”   Grond looked
dejected and hung his head. “Me, sorry Mr. Colonel, me thought since they looked
like goats from Elvis planet Earth they food animals!?” The Colonel swept dramatically
towards the bar in a Dark green dress uniform with  golden piping and epaulets on
his shoulders,  a chest full of medals
( some blinking and glowing )  his standard knee
high black , shiny boots and a red and silver cape, his cherished pearl handled
revolvers hanging at his hips in a fancy dark leather holster . He grabbed Grond's
wrist, dragging him to the bar and they both took bar stools next to Elvis.

. “Don’t worry about it son, OTHER then that, I enjoyed your company, sit down and
relax.” Grond grinned and reached past the Colonel to pat Elvis on the back. “Hi Elvis,
HI DOC, Colonel take me to weapon show and amusement park and we go on rides!!”
Zik turned his large head in Gronds direction. “Don’t me and Thirteen  rate a hello?
Or are we not cool enough?” Thirteen  piped up in his rather squeaky, mewing voice.
“YEAH, WHAT HE SAID!”  Grond looked troubled and frowned. “Me, forget, me sorry-   
ZIK, LITTLE BUDDY, ME just keep screwing up, GROND BAD!!” Elvis took the tall dark
glass that Zak slid towards him and raised to his lips muttering. “Aw, Jeeeze, now I’ll
have to send them both to therapy.” All twenty of Zik’s eyes rotated and trained on
Elvis. “I HEARD THAT!”   “WELL?! You ARE in therapy!!! I meant that I will have to
send Grond as well, for being so down on himself!” The Colonel put a woodbine
cigarette in its long ivory holder and lit it.  “Therapy is  for sissy’s!! You all just need a
good kick in the ass and some discipline and callisthenic’s!! Don’t give me any that
therapy crap!”  Virgil appearing as God dammed Sigmund Freud, telling them they
have got God dammed mother issues!!!
(Looking at Elvis) You think that’s going to help
these two sons of bitches?”

Elvis held up a hand as if to say “ENOUGH” and took a deep draught of his drink and
smiled at Zak. “Good going! I haven’t had a “Draco’s Piss” in a long time!” Meanwhile  
Thirteen  was developing "beer muscles."  “What’s in it? Maybe I will have one.”  Zak
rotated several glittering eyes on the little Gray. “It’s Irish Whiskey, Gin, Draconian
moonshine, Grenadine, Vicks cough syrup and a small splash of Tabasco sauce.” The
Colonel waved to Zak. “Give us all a round
(looking to Thirteen ) “It will put some hair
on your chest son!”  Zak was still multitasking and using his many appendages and as
he mixed up a batch of
Draco’s piss he changed the holo vid channel and Elvis looked up and yelled. “Go back
to that last channel!!”  As Zak served them the dark concoction, they all looked up to
the large holo vid screen to channel Z.G.N, the Galactic Confederations official news
channel. A handsome humanoid man in a light gray three piece suit , dark tie and
gold cuff links, with a youthful clean shaven face and fair hair , a bit graying on the
sides, stood clutching a microphone   amidst a scene of carnage and devastation.  The
caption at the bottom of the screen ran in “standard” and several galactic languages-
“Cesspoolus # 3, Colony – Tranquilis” – Remote frontier world- town of Tranquilis # one
on edge of Great   rust desert.”
 Elvis asked Zak to turn up the sound as the man on
the screen spoke. “This is Cad Bomblinson veteran war correspondent and journalist-
reporting from Cesspoolus # 3, site of a recent attack by unknown entities.”  

Elvis nearly jumped off his stool as Smoky suddenly appeared on the bar, beamed in
by Virgil and speaking loudly in Elvis’s ear. “Isn’t that your old friend whom  you met
during the battle  for “Rex’s balls” , the guy that first interviewed you and Zik when
you were touring the front lines with your band, back when Vinnie still managed
you?”  Elvis looked misty eyed as he stared at the screen, nodding to the cat that was
drinking out of his glass. “Yes,    that’s him and THAT’S  our destination and  next
mission.”   The man on the screen was  walking  through what had been the
agricultural and mining towns “town square.”  There were burning building with thick
black smoke rising up into the green tinged sky , bodies strewn on the sandy red
ground , survivors in tattered and blood stained cloths clutching each other for

support, rescue workers helping people onto transport shuttles. A large man with a
well trimed beard and looking like he had been through hell, came walking into view
with a woman, red haired child and an enormous , black , hairy Anachrid walking at
his side like a well heeled dog. Cad Bomblinson stopped him for an  interview. “Sir,
can you tell us what happened here? Who did this?” The man looked shell shocked
and dazed. He looked into the camera and tears streamed down his face. He then
looked at the journalist as a look of delayed horror spread across his face. “Th, they….
were NAKED…..V, vampires….. Some were beautiful, naked women, with fangs and
red capes, stiletto heeled boots, nothing else, and an army of some weird hybrid half
men half bats…they….  
(Looking around at the bodies on the ground) they drank their
blood, the killed half the town….we…we hid in our underground storm shelter and
put our shields up but they still got through them and smashed half of our home…..
…This one……who looked like  their leader….she…spared us but said to  tell the
Galactic Confederation and  especially  Elvis Mellon and his crew to beware...T,TO  
BEWARE THE  NAKED VAMPIRE WOMEN OF PLANET DOOM!"     -  TO   BE
CONTINUED.....
DIRECTORY MENU
PAGE # 2
This file is not intended to be viewed directly using a web browser. To create a viewable file, use the Preview in Browser or Publish to Yahoo! Web Hosting commands from within Yahoo! SiteBuilder.