AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS

PART # 3

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION


In an undisclosed location, in a dark, dank cell with cement floors, brick walls, iron bars,
a sink, metal toilet and the occasional cockroach wandering by, Santa Claus-
(Krisanov
Kringlehelm)
sat on a cold metal bench, eating luke warm soup and stale crackers,  as his
elves; Thistlethorn and Frostberry, were allowed to look in on the reindeer in the cell
next to them. Their mysterious captors had returned as promised an hour later  and
Santa had been cajoled
( so they thought ) into sharing  his knowledge and magic with
them,  in exchange for more food and assurances that the reindeer and elves wouldn’t be
harmed. He didn’t like to tell a lie but in this case he was going to bullshit these weirdo’s
in their black  robes, blind! He was sure they were off worlders, “Aliens” or some kind of
robots by the way they talked and behaved. The cell door opened and one of the tall
robed and hooded figures came in with the two elves walking in front of him, their wrists
were tied together. Santa noted that they looked better and they were both smiling, so
the reindeers must be o.k. “We have honored your request!You're  animals are fed ,
watered and they  have   plenty of dry straw to sleep on. NOW we want some answers,
fat boy!!” The elves came and sat on either side of Santa and a second

robed figure brought in two bowls of soup for them, with a loaf of French bread.
Thistlethorn had been with Santa for over four thousand years and Frostberry a little
less and  The  old man -  whom they thought of as “Father Christmas, ” thought of them
as sons and he winked at them as he turned to look up at  the robed creature. “So what
do you want to ask me?” The figure stomped his heavy black boots on the cold cement
floor and shook a black leather glove at the old man. “You have reindeer that fly and can
pull a sleigh that must weigh over half a ton with all of those presents
And some kind of incredible sack that holds millions of toys and you can fly all over the
world and through the different time zones delivering those presents and doing it all in
one night and we want to know HOW!!”

Santa held his empty bowl towards the strange, wraith- like apparition   and smiled.
“Give me and the boys some more soup and some bread that we won’t break our teeth on
and I will tell you.” Down the hall from the basement cells in a dim  lit  room  with many
large computer screens and blinking lights with  several  Large, Bulbous headed  “Grays”
with the standard black, shiny,  insect- like eyes and spindly bodies , were watching  the
scene inside the cells with Santa and  the reindeer's next door to them ,  on a large view
screen. The tall robed figure that had brought them food was now taking their empty
bowls and leaving the cell as the other one stood there menacingly. One of the Grays
turned to look at the one next to him as they both watched the human and elves in
captivity. “Do you think he will tell us what we want to know?” He is crafty, cunning and  
No  one to trifle with.” A door opened in the control room occupied by the Zeta Reticuli
Grays and one of the tall robed figures came in,  putting  the tray with the empty soup
bowls on a near by table and then  proceeded to open its robes, revealing  two Grays;
One standing on the others shoulders and wearing some kind of

Mouth/voice filter. The Grays spoke in high pitched , “Whiney” voices like a cross
between “Marvin    the Martian”  and the late Wally Cox
(with a tad of Tony Randall as
“Felix Unger” thrown in…)
  “Those elves give me the creeps and  That old fart was
trying to read our minds! WE tried reading theirs but NO DICE!!"   The Gray standing on
the others shoulders had climbed down and they were wearing tight fitting black leotards
under the robes and the Gray who had climbed down was clutching his groin. “Those
friggin Reindeers got one Hell of a bite!!  Did the lab clone me a new “Willy” yet?”  One of
the other
( they were all identical) Grays, wearing a silver shirt and  pants with matching
silver shoes, looked up from his computer terminal and nodded. “It’s almost done, now
get in there with the

Soup and make sure you put more Datura Stranomium in it this time, they seem to be
resisting the truth serum!”  The Gray holding his groin slammed his fist on the table. “I
would like to put rat poison in that dammed Comets reindeer feed!!” I can’t wait to have
that cloned Johnson grafted on so I can show him who’s boss!!    The Gray who had been
on the bottom of the "hooded figure"  nodded negatively. “The boss will really   have a  
shit fit if he catches you !! You know how he is with animals and kids?! He loves them big
time!! We should just be grateful  that  we don’t work for the Draco anymore and we are
free of the Hive collective!” The boss takes good care us! Tonight is Chili con carnie night
and he rented the latest Bruce Willis, " Die hard"  movie!! Now let’s get going with that
soup!” The two Grays in black leotards were together again and doing their balancing
act, putting their robes on. “Speaking of the Boss, how did we ever get mixed up with
him anyway?? He’s as weird as the come on this planet!! His skin is TOO white like he
has been bleached or something, and what’s with the back yard zoo and wanting to get
that deformed guy’s bones?”

Meanwhile back in area 51, Mizuki Misawa and several of her colleagues were starring
fascinated at the extratestrial beings standing next to them along with their humanoid
companions, who they had heard were travelers of time and space and “Galactic
citizens.” Zik was getting nervous from all the attention and his twenty  eyes were
rotating this way and that. The men and women in white lab coats were crowding around
Zik and reaching out to touch him with gloved hands and they had on those white face
masks.
Grond was oblivious to the whispers and stares and the non human “Enhanced” chimps,
dog and cat were all very amused. Elvis stood with one  hand on one of Ziks many “knee
joints” and the other holding his cocktail glass


That never seemed to be empty.” Its O.K buddy, they won’t hurt you, they just don’t get
to see extraterrestrials like you down here. They only see the assholes like the
occasional Draco or Gray or maybe some hybrids.”
Zik was clearly agitated and Elvis knew things could get ugly. He grabbed Mizuki’s wrist
as she went to touch Ziks front legs. “Uhh, DON’T touch him any more; I don’t want to
see that pretty head of yours get decapitated. The other scientists stopped in mid touch
and nervously backed up. “He gets nervous and if he freaks out, you’re all chopped liver.
He doesn’t mean to do it but believe me, it will NOT be pleasant. The Presidents secret
service agents and guards had their weapons out and Elvis just laughed. “Those bullets
will bounce off him like ticks off a naked hippie and before your realize what has
happened you will all be cut in two or garroted with his webs, Sir
( turning to the
President )
Is there a large space where he can feel less constricted?” The President
gestured for his men to put away their firearms and then waved everyone to follow him.


“I understand you have a few rogue Grays working down here Mr. President?” The
President seemed mildly surprised. “You don’t miss a trick do you, Elvis?” he led them
to two metal and glass sliding doors and into the next room as Grond belched from the
rancid Chubacabra meat. “Me hungry again.”   Doctor Sax once again took his hat off and
beat Gronds shoulder with it. “We have to have you checked for a tape worm! This is
getting ridiculous!!” Elvis politely bowed and motioned for  Mizuki to go first as they
followed the President through the doors (so he could look at her ass….) “Nice caboose.”  
Mizuki whirled around and was about to give him an angry retort but caught herself
when she realized it wasn’t everyday that a  man who traveled space and time and  also
routinely visited

Other Galaxies and possibly other parallel Universes was complimenting her posterior.
“Thank you, Is it true you spent eight hundred  years traveling the multiverse with a
cybernetic, holographic super computer being that’s millions of years old?”  Elvis grinned
and straightened out his tie. “Well eight  give or take a thousand  and yet it was also only
about a few days ,IT’S COMPLICATED! Perhaps we could discuss it over dinner and a
few drinks?”  They were now in what looked like a large hanger with a huge flying saucer
with American flags on it. The President leaned close to Elvis before Mizuki could   reply
and whispered under his breath.  “Elvis, good buddy, maybe you could hold off on trying
to
get in the pants of Area 51’s top scientist and cellular biology expert, until after you have
found Santa Claus and  saved Christmas for all the worlds children?” Elvis looked
longingly down at Mizuki’s trim waistline and nice round buttocks. “I assure you I am
only interested in her mind, Sir.”  Zik and the rest of the crew
(except Smoky who was
tailing Elvis)
were all moving towards the saucer as Mizuki tugged on Elvis’s sleeve.
“Sure, you give me a tour of your star ship and a quick trip around the galaxy and you
got yourself a deal!” The Cat looked up at woman and said. “I hope you like German
potato salad.”

Thousands of miles away at the North Pole, Colonel T.P Sommo had commandeered the
main offices where he had previously interrogated the elves. He sat behind the biggest
desk with his feet up and a steaming mug of coffee, hot chocolate and Brandy, as he
watched security footage of Santa’s last test flight of the new sleigh. Several of his men
were sitting at various desks intently processing data and writing reports as several
elves worked along side them. The blond elf who worked as Christmas town’s dentist,
was now wearing mirrored aviators and a black jacket and sitting on a foot stool with his
feet up on a milk crate and he was smoking a cigar. “Colonel, play back that last part,
there’s something dropping from the sled!” The Colonel leaned forward and grinned as he
aimed the remote at the monitor and hit rewind. “I’ll be a God Dammed Monkey’s
Uncle!! What the devil is that??” The image on the screen was of a large black and silver
flying
Saucer, hovering over a large red and green sleigh with twelve  reindeer in front of it,  as
both the sleigh and the saucer flew over the village of Christmas town in the bright
afternoon sun. A circular door slid open beneath the saucers flat underbelly and the
heads of several Grays could be seen peering down at the sleigh and its three  occupants
as some kind of greenish tractor beam caught the reindeer and the sleigh they were
harnessed to, bringing it up into the gaping circular hole. The sleigh disappeared into the
hold of the saucer but not before a small cigar shaped object fell through the closing gap
in the
hatch. “Let’s get a close up and put that son of a bitch on hold.” The Colonel played with
the remotes controls and aimed it at the screen, he took off his aviators and squinted and
the elf did the same. “What the devil is that thing?” The elf looked up at the Colonel. “We
found that in the snow when Santa was kidnapped and we gave it to the first Black Op’s
team that arrived here for the preliminary investigation, after Mrs. Claus had me call the
President. They took it to Area 51 for analysis.”    The Colonel put his feet down and sat
up straight. “Well, what the devil did the thing look like, son?!”  The elf leaned towards
the desk and looked the Colonel in the eye. “Between you and me, sir, it looked like a
little pecker. I think one of the reindeer's bit it off one of those aliens.”

The Colonel grinned and laughed for a moment and then got angry. He pushed a small
button on his fancy looking silver watch and talked into it. “Elvis?! Yeah it’s the Colonel
here, Listen, Are you in Area 51?... What’s this I hear about a first Black Ops team being
here and finding an aliens pecker??!!” God dam it!!  
 ( he stood up ) “I wasted my God
Dammed time coming to this frozen shit pile of a lunatic asylum with friggin ELVES AND
TALKING SNOWMEN AND BLOODY, GOD DAMMED POLAR BEARS AND
ABOMINABLE GOD DAMMED BUMBLES to freeze my God dammed ass off and another
team already came and went and got the first clue and all ready shipped it out  to God
Dammed area 51?? Who was on that first team? Rodriguez and Johnson?!!  Sons of
bitches!!   Listen, you tell the God dammed President to bust those pricks down to
regular army and ship em off somewhere, where THEY have to deal with God Dammed

freak shows and monsters and weird shit for a change!!  Hell if I know? Hey I wait a
minute, how about we have Bill Send them sons of bitchs off to that crazy island in the
Triangle! Let them work for that son of bitch Mr. X!” I DIDN’T  plan on wasting my time
coming here as a favor to you  , WHEN I  no longer work for the United States
Government or for ANY Earth governments, JUST to get shown up by those two
assholes!! I don’t care if they are still kids, you remember what happened in God
dammed Afghanistan with those two??!”   

Deep underneath the Nevada desert, Elvis Mellon stood in an underground hanger with
The President and several members of his star ship crew, along with several scientists,
including the beautiful and brilliant Mizuki Misawa. Elvis was holding his left wrist near
his ear, listening to the loud and angry voice of his friend Colonel T.P Sommo on the tiny
speaker of his Ascendant watch.  “Would you calm down? Yes, I will take care of it!! I DO
appreciate your running up there to help with the investigation!!  Yes, I will have them
sent to Cabo Diablo, Yes, He will listen to me!! Have you met Hermes? Good,  we will be
up there in an hour or so!!

(Lowering his voice) “I might be making a slight detour to ….WHAT?? Yes, it’s a
Johnson, alright!! Yeah, NO SHIT!!  It’s from a Gray! Bit clean off!!
(Laughter) I was just
about to ask that!  Yeah ,  I miss  Thirteen   too, but he’s doing my show! I am NOT
calling him and telling him to get his ass here-YOU do it if you want him back so bad!!
And speaking of Johnson’s
(looking over at Mizuki) I be slightly delayed by some
“Moongombo.”  YES , “wango tango.” I don’t know if I can save some for you or not!.
Listen, the President is giving me the evil eye, I have to go!! Elvis Mellon, over and out!”
He clicked off his watch and grinned at the President. “Sorry sir, Colonel T.P Sommo was
rather livid about not being in the loop about the Gray’s Pecker, and the fact that to of
his former staff got the credit and glory for finding it.”  The President nodded somberly.
“It was not my
Intention to waste your friend’s time; I am grateful for his years of service to this county
and planet and for his help now in getting to the bottom of things!” Elvis rested his hand
on the Presidents shoulder for a moment. “I know sir, he’s a little anal retentive and high
strung. He will get over it.” Elvis looked over to where Zik was standing, underneath the
silver saucer that was held up off the ground by an enormous crane that was suspended
from the ceiling of the huge hanger. Zik was talking to several men in mechanics overalls
and there were several Grays there as well. “Is that why you brought us in here, sir?”
The President smiled and winked and nodded affirmatively. “They defected from the
Draco and also broke away from the hive. They asked for asylum here and we have been
(nodding to the ship) sharing technology.”
Elvis and the Doc exchanged looks as Elvis leaned in close to the President. “Uhh, sir,
this ship  may be advanced by the Earths current technological standards,  but where I
spend most of my time  this is an old piece of shit from the used car lot. In this case the
used Flying saucer lot. The Grays that were talking with Zik and several human
technicians must have heard what Elvis said and they were all looking at him. He
sauntered over to where they were standing, next to some kind of strange engine with
out moving parts or seems. “Hello, Boys, I haven’t seen a “L27 hyperdrive phase shifter”
in years!! Zik chimed in. “This is a L28 hyperdrive phase shifter.” Elvis shrugged.   
“Whatever, Zik! They are up to L35’s now!!” The Gray closest to Zik extended his four  
fingered hand to Elvis. “It is an honor to meet the fabulous Elvis Mellon!” Everyone
gathered around the Grays, underneath the great ship, giving Zik a wide birth. “You
have heard of me?” The Grays all nodded and smiled with their tiny mouths. “You are a
trusted friend of the mighty  Thirteen !!” The President smiled and gestured towards the
five Grays. “The fella's here have been on Earth since 1947. This is a copy of the ship
that crashed at Roswell, with a few new modifications." Elvis nodded , taking it all in.  
"Theres something rotten in Denmark, and its not Gronds ass." -    To be continued  
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