MENU DIRECTORY
AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS PART # 6

COPYRIGHT 2005


A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION



Somewhere in a hidden location, in an underground bunker- inside a dimly lit room
filled with computers and monitors,a room  with many television screens showing
images from around the world, huddled together and sitting in mod looking office
chairs, the kind with four  wheels and made of plastic and metal in a big one piece
mold with those big nylon and some sort of nylon type of cushion covering- Were
Three extraterrestrial   biological entities known as “The Grays”  having a heated
conversation as they occasional looked up at the central monitor that showed the
image of an old man in a red suit with a big belly, sitting next to  two small “elves.” “I
am not going back in there this time! It’s your turn to go in there!!” The Grays  all
looked identical to the mysterious human male that they now took orders from , but
they could tell each other apart by subtle nuances of body contour and skin markings
that would seem indistinguishable to any non member of their species. The one sitting
in the middle of the other two was shaking his head negatively. “Did you see the way
that old bastard looked right through us? He gives me the creeps!! We better be  
getting triple time and a half for working during the Earths big holiday season,
Dammed  them and their stupid belief systems!”

The Gray to the right of the one that just spoke, wearing a gold Rolex watch on his
greenish gray wrist, got up and reached for a white ceramic mug of Coffee that said
“Liz Taylor’s 60th birthday gala” on it.  “Well we just Fed Exed a ransom note to the
White House and I am sure the President will inform Mrs. Claus of our demands.” The
Gray with the coffee sat down and the one to the far left of him folded his arms and
turned his large, shiny black eyes up towards the main view screen with the picture of
the white haired, bearded old Caucasian man with red cheeks and his pointy eared
companions. “You mean the boss’s demands. I don’t know who is weirder…HIM or the
old man!”

At that very moment , across the vast distance of the entire Continental United States
and the Atlantic Ocean, nine hours ahead as far as international time lines go, Colonel
T.P Sommo was taking in the latest in a long line of “Freak shows” his old friend Elvis
Mellon was introducing him to. He had seen a lot of very strange shit in the   last few
decades of  space and time travel but actually  meeting supernatural beings and
characters

out of nursery rhymes and child hood Faerie tales like Santa Claus
( whom he met
several years ago with Elvis )
and his wife and entourage and  now being in some sort
of private club-Pub frequented by the Easter Bunny, Celtic folk lore/ mythological  
beings, Big foot, Father Time, the Tooth Faerie,  Witches that looked right out of
Macbeth or some old Vincent Price movie, and every other kind of Gnomes, Pixies,
and other denizens of a bad acid trip -  was a bit much to bear. He watched as Elvis
Mellon grinned and sat at the bar, next to some gigantic hairy ape like creatures that
looked like a light

Brown version of Grond, but with longer “fur” and more of a human like face
underneath all the facial hair. The three “Sasquatches” were now smiling and
conversing with Elvis and Grond as the Colonel decided to “just go with the flow” and
took a seat on the old fashion looking bar stool between Elvis and the Doc. The small,
blond elf in the red and green wool suit, climbed up onto a bar stool to the far side of
the “Big foots” and was joined by the holographic Virgil/David Wayne- man sized
Leprechaun. Smoky was

Sitting on the bar in front of Elvis as Zik stood behind him warily rotating his many
eyes in a sweep of the smoky and soft lit, sha
dowy main room. Thor sat by Elvis’s bar  
stool and spoke softly to the huge alien spider as the large rabbit wiped down the bar
and told Elvis about the selection of ales, bitters, pilsners , etc , that were available.
“How about your single malts, do you have any “Olde Sheep shagger?” The six foot
two inch rabbit with the sweater vest and tweeds had a twinkle in his eye.  “We have
70 year old Sheep

Shagger and 150 year old “Granny’s knickers.”  Elvis pointed to the green bottle on
the second shelf, directly behind the rabbit’s large brown ears. “How about that one?
The rabbit turned and pulled the bottle off the shelf and blew the dust off it. “Aye,
this is one of Santa’s favorites, “Dangling Bulls Bollocks” GOOD choice.” The Colonel
gestured for Harvey to pour him a glass as well and Hermes the Christmas elf, Grond
and the Doc all nodded for a glass as well. Harvey looked over at the translucent,
monstrous spider

that had many of the pub patrons starring. “What can I get you-  my many legged and
many  eyed friend?”  The spider moved its massive head next to Elvis Mellon’s ,
looking over his shoulder and said in his familiar voice.” Got any rocket fuel?” Before
Harvey had a chance to respond, Elvis leaned towards the rabbit with a conspiratorial
look. “He means REAL Rocket fuel, like what they power the space shuttles with.” The
giant rabbit

Grinned and with a trace of a brogue; said. “Oh Aye, we do indeed.” And he reached
under the bar and put a large brown jug by Elvis. “Buzz Aldrin comes in every now
and then and he brought some of that for  cleaning the old paint off and shellac off the
bar stools.”  After everyone that drank
(Virgil pretended) had a drink and Thor had a
bowl of the prized Scotch placed in front of him on the floor, Elvis Mellon leaned back
a bit on his bar stool and unbuttoned his top shirt button and loosened his tie. He let
his massive gut rest

Against the edge of the bar and he addressed the crowd. “If I could have everyone’s
attention for a few minutes?  For those who don’t know  me or who haven’t heard of
me, I am Elvis Mellon ,  a Human from this planet who has spent around 800 years
traveling time and space and I have been all over this Galaxy and I realize this may all
sound fantastic and like I am bullshitting you all but   there REALLY is  life all over
the Universe  and my large friend here
( turning a bit on his stool to gesture towards
Zik, and Grond  )
and  some of the others here with me are indeed –what you would
call “ALIENS” and we have all met Santa Claus and a few of your other members here
and  we are here to investigate the disappearance and

Kidnapping of the big guy in the red suit.”
(Gasps from crowd) One of the Bigfoot’s got
up from his stool and Elvis had to bend his neck to look up at him. “You mean they
kidnapped Louie Anderson?” Elvis bit his lip. “Close, but NO, they kidnapped Santa
Claus! And the name “Never land” has come up and we were told to come here and ask
around.” Harvey, the Pooka looked towards the back of the bar near an entrance way
to another section of the underground building, where a slender humanoid, wearing
green leotards, pointy shoes, a green cloth jacket that was cut on the edges to look like
green leaves and with a green cap on “his” head, looking like a 12 year old boy, was
sitting at a table with a rather gregariously dressed Pirate who had a silver hook
instead of a left

Hand.  Everyone in the pub was now starring at them and several Pumpkin headed
“Scare Crows” got up and grabbed the green dressed “boy” and dragged him over to
Elvis. Smoky was sitting  by the now empty glass of Scotch he had just been lapping up
and then  climbed down onto Elvis’s lap and then jumped to the floor to sit by Thor,
who was now sniffing at the Boys legs like any dog would do. The Colonel elbowed the
Doc, who had been silently taking all of this in quietly while sipping his “Dangling  Bull’
s Bollocks, one hundred and fifty

Year old single malt. “Hey, don’t tell me this is really Peter F$%@ing Pan??! Jesus
help me, I am in a bad God dammed acid trip!!
(Turning to Elvis) Did you drop one of
your goof ball in my drink?!” Elvis threw his head back and laughed and then snidely
said “What- and have you start firing off your glock 10 so you can see the pretty trails
the bullets leave? NO- this all real my friend, and YES this Peter Pan.”   The Pirate
with the

silver hook still sat back in his dark corner by the entrance way as another large man
sized rabbit, this one wearing very colorful shorts and a shirt and carrying a big
wicker basket full of brightly painted eggs , came into the main room and walked up as
close as “he” could get to the mob of gnomes, fairies, scarecrows, witches, Big Foots,
etc – now all pressing in around Zik , Grond, Thor , Smoky and holding the boy in
front of Elvis Mellon, who had turned around on his stool so his back was to the bar
and Harvey. Grond smiled like a kid in a candy store when he saw the other rabbit
approaching with the

basket. “YOU MUST BE EASTER BUNNY- ME REMEMBER YOU!!”  The rabbit was
almost as tall as the Doc and he pushed through the crowd to shake Grond’s enormous
hand and to give him an Easter egg, which Grond ate, SHELL and all. Elvis eyed him
as he focused on the boy. “O.k., uhh…Pete…is it?
(The boy nodded) sorry for the
rough handling (gesturing to the pumpkin headed scarecrows) Let him go fella’s,
thanks- O.K kid,  I have to ask- Do you or your one handed friend over there
(
gesturing to the Pirate )
know anything about Santa Claus being kidnapped? Any
grudges, bad blood, feuds?”   

The “kid”
(who like Elvis had hundreds of years of life experience –since he didn’t age
or grow old)
stood with his hands on his hips and looked Elvis square in the eyes (well
mirrored shades…)
and in a rather adolescent, squeaky voice. “I swear on all the Lost
Boys and Lady Wendy’s white cotton panties that neither I nor any citizen of Never-
Never land has any knowledge concerning the disappearance or kidnapping of
Krisanov Kringle- “Santa Claus.”  Smoky pawed Elvis’s sneaker and Thor barked to
get his

attention. Elvis leaned down and put his hand behind his left ear as if to magnify their
voices above the back ground din of conversation and the clinking of glasses and
plates. Smoky stood on his hind legs and put his paws on Elvis’s right sneaker. “The
Grays at Area 51 just said Never land NOT Never-Never land.”  A light bulb went off
in Elvis Mellon’s head and he looked over at Zik who was edging away from the crowd
that was almost leaning on him. “I think we have been
(looking down at the large
German

Shepard- “Thor”)
barking up the wrong tree.”  Just then Grond clutched his belly and
gave the Doc a nervous look. “Oops, me forget that eggs give me gas.” The Doc looked
up in horror from his bar stool as the Colonel, Elvis and Virgil/David Wayne all yelled
“RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN” to the crowd of fairies tale and supernatural
creatures  who stood dangerously close to Gronds hind quarters. The crowd scattered
like leaves, out the front round door or simply dematerialized into thin air as a
rumbling sound like 10 freight trains and a symphony of chain saws and motor bikes
(ALL AT

ONCE) was heard for miles away as Virgil suddenly pointed at Grond and a visible
bubble, like a giant soap bubble surrounded him and contained the blast. A gas mask
appeared on his
(Grond’s) face at the same time as those remaining few pub/club
members looked on in shocked silence. The Sasquatchs did not run or disappear and  
now sat back down and laughed hysterically as Grond stood there with a dumb grin
under his mask. “Sorry Elvis, Doc, thanks Virgil, me no smell it.”  The Easter Bunny
had jumped behind the bar with Harvey
(who only looked like a rabbit) and they both
now stood up and leaned on the bar. “Sorry Grond, I forgot what eggs do to you!! Say
Elvis, I am sure you thought of this but there’s a Never land ranch in California.”
Peter Pan , who had  flown out the round front door of the pub, had now materialized
in a flash of light next to the two rabbits. “Yes, and from what I understand, theres a
lot of weird stuff going on there as well.” Elvis and the Colonel exchanged glances and
nods and got up from their bar stools. Elvis adressed the remaining patrons and his
crew. "I hate to drink and run , but we have to go and rescue Santa from the clutches
of a skinny guy who wears one sequined glove and who's anthem is "Beat it."  ....TO  
BE CONTINUED
PAGE # 7
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