AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS

PART # 7

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION  


Virgil/David Wayne deemed it was now safe to release Grond from his bubble and
suddenly the gasmask and bubble vanished.  Grond gave Elvis and the Doc a big toothy
grin. “Me take Beano next time.” Smoky was rubbing against Gronds leg
(he was still
after all a CAT- genetically enhanced or not…)
and he made the remark. “All the Beano
in the Galaxy wouldn’t stop you from farting.”  Doc Sax winked at the cat. “Amen to
that my friend, amen to that.”  Elvis Mellon was finishing his 4th “Dangling Bull’s
Bollocks” the 150 year old Single Malt Scotch that didn’t cost him a dime
(or Pence) as

he was a friend of several club members.  “I don’t know why I didn’t think of the
Neverland ranch when those Area 51 Grays told us that, I do however  have a hard
time believing that someone like Him would kidnap Santa Claus.”  The Colonel was
adjusting his cape and making sure his pearl handled 45’s were loaded. “I always
thought that crazy son of a bitch was a freak! I say we shoot first and ask questions
later!!”  Thor half barked. “YOU always say that!!! You have a habit of leaving a trail of
bodies behind you.” The Colonel shrugged and put his pistols in their holsters. “I haven’
t met a son of a bitch or daughter

of one that aint deserved it yet!!”  Elvis rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Lets just
get back to Christmas town and brief Santa’s wife and check in with Bill, Uh....the
President, and then get aboard Viking and scope out the ranch. Elvis looked over to
Hermes who hadn’t said a word since they got there. “Hey, how would you like to come
with us on this one? The Colonels usual assistant and personal aide is filling me for me
on my radio show back at the station and we could use a few extra hands.” The little elf
perked up and
Smiled, standing on his bar stool and jumping up and down. “YES SIR!!! Can I?? I know
Mrs.  Claus would say yes!!” The Colonel walked over and saluted the elf. “I here  by
make you my temporary assistant and an honorary member of Elvis Mellons and my
team, you will retain that privilege even after that squeaky son of a whore,
“THIRTEEN”-  gets his ass back to doing what I trained him for!! IS THAT CLEAR-
SOLDIER??!!”  

Hermes saluted back and stiffened at attention. “SIR, YES SIR!!”  The Colonel punched
Elvis in the shoulder and Elvis stood straight up and saluted the elf and then belched
and scratched himself. “Welcome aboard son, you can relax now.” Zik was impatiently
tapping several of his very long and sharp angled legs on the wooden floor and rolling at
least half of his eyes around at Elvis, which was his way of saying he was getting antsy
and  wanted to get out of there because even the freak shows from kids nightmares like
the Scarecrows and the Sand man
( in this case “Sand men” ) and  various denizens of
legend and myth like the Headless Horseman and  a very beautiful but sort of “Elvira”
looking Tooth faerie were all staring at him like he was from another planet-
( BECAUSE HE WAS!!!….) Elvis held up his left pointer finger to Zik and turned to
Peter Pan and the Easter Bunny. “How would you guys
(turning to the Tooth Faerie)
and gals like to help us bust out Santa Claus?” They all nodded vigorously and shouted.
“Yes.”  

Mrs. Claus was asleep in her comfy chair, by the fireplace in the main office of Santa’s
workshop, her hand still clutching the print out of a ransom note that was faxed to her
by the President of the United States. The door to the stairs swung open and the
creaking sound awoke her. Elvis Mellon strode into the office with his crew and Hermes
trailing behind him, along with the Easter Bunny,The Tooth Faerie,  several
Sasquatchs, and Scarecrows
(with Pumpkin heads and with stuffed straw sacks) Peter
Pan and his ex- enemy, now friend Captain Hook, several gnomes with long beards and
several “Sand men”, who wore old fashioned –men’s nightgowns and tasseled stocking
caps like were worn in the 19th century and early part of 20th but no real features to
their faces , kind of like store mannequins , carrying small sacks of sand  at their
waists.  Mrs. Claus  sat up and rubbed her eyes and the Chimps, who were sleeping
curled up on one of the desks, also stirred.

Elvis looked at the Koo- Koo clock above the fireplace and then checked his own watch
to confirm it was indeed only midnight here. It was morning in England, outside the
cave where the entrance to Harvey’s place was,  but Elvis surmised it had something to
do with the Earths natural portal system as opposed to the Atlantean and other
artificially created “star-portal gates” and time displacement.  Colonel Sommo checked
his own watch as well, to make sure his Black Op’s team was patrolling the town. “You
got any of that hooch left?” Elvis turned to the Colonel with raised eyebrows. “This is
ME you’re asking…” pulling out the bottle of
“Dangling Bull’s Bollocks” from inside his sport coat.  Smoky jumped up onto the desk
nearest Mrs. Claus. “You mean you STOLE their bottle of 150 year old Single Malt
Scotch?! You’re terrible!!”  Elvis grinned. "They have a whole cellar full of them." and
he  popped the top and drank right out of the bottle, taking a big gulp and passing it to
the Colonel who was leering at the Tooth Faerie as she curtsied to Mrs. Claus. Elvis saw
him leering and stopped smiling and grabbed th
e bottle back from him as he had
“designs” on the exotic looking female himself . There are in

Reality actually several different Tooth Faeries to accommodate all the children in the
world who loose teeth, and they  take shifts. This particular one, named Delores, was
dressed in a sort of dark purplish kind of gossamer dress that showed her legs above
the knee and her silver sandaled feet were small and shapely. She had long tangled
dark hair that hung down to her shoulders in thick tresses and her skin was a dark
copper and almost green color with blue glitter all over it. Her eye makeup reminded
Elvis of the Naked Vampire women of Planet Doom
(* See- the Elvis Mellon Chronicles-
Book One- part # 2- *)
 He once dated, and he was trying not think evil thoughts in
Santa Claus’s workshop because Mrs. Claus would know and those elves could read his
thoughts.
“Hey, I was drinking that you son of a bitch! What’s your problem?” Elvis guzzled all of  
the Scotch and then handed the empty bottle back to the Colonel, who looked at it and
took it by the bottle neck and threw it back at him. Elvis ducked and it smashed in the
fireplace, Mrs. Claus jumped up from her chair and   Delores the Tooth Faerie spun
around and

Glared at the both of them.  Elvis threw himself at the Colonel, knocking him down onto
the floor and then falling on top of him like a ton of bricks, knocking the wind out of
him. The Colonel managed to knee him in his crotch and then pulled out one of his
revolvers to club him but Zik was too fast for either of them and lifted them both off
the ground and onto their feet. “What are you to idiots fighting about??!! You have
been best friends

Since childhood!!??”  They were both red faced and rumpled, Elvis’s hat and sun
glasses were off and his normally perfect hair was looking like Don Kings. The Colonels
hair was also a mess and his medals were half ripped off his jacket and his cape had
caught on the edge of the desk and was hanging on his neck with a broken clasp. The
Tooth Faerie was also extremely telepathic and she hovered in the air near them with
her translucent, gossamer wings moving quickly. “I hope you two drunks aren’t fighting
over me, cause I don’t date mortals and besides...... you are   not my type.” Grond in
his simplicity asked. “What am

Your type?” The Tooth Faerie smiled and winked at Mrs. Claus.   The Colonel, his black
boots dangling as Zik held him and Elvis by their collars, whispered to Elvis. “God
Damm, she’s a friggin carpet muncher!!” Elvis whispered back “If she was a Dinosaur
she would be  a “Lickalodopus!”  Smoky covered his eyes with his paws as the Tooth
Faerie flew over and smacked both of them hard in the mouths. “The last thing I need
is crap from two misogynist,sexist assholes!!” Mrs. Claus was livid with anger and
waving a piece of paper in front of them. “Can we get back to rescuing my husband
please?!!  President Clinton faxed me a note from the kidnappers! They want a hundred
billion dollars in gold and that’s not all. They want Gary Coleman, Mcauley Culkin  and
Emmanuel Lewis to deliver it.

Zik dropped Elvis and the Colonel down onto their feet and Elvis took the note and read
it with Zik and the Colonel reading it over his  shoulders as the others silently looked
on. Elvis handed it to the Doc and Virgil stood with him and read it.
“It also says in the fine print that they want seven barges of garbage and medical waste
from Los Angeles irradiated with Uranium and sailed to Baja Mexico to be delivered no
later then Dec. 23 or the old man, the elves and reindeer are toast.” Elvis grabbed it
back from Doc and read it with his lips moving silently. “Seven barges of garbage and
medical waste AND IRRIADIATED! Who does that sound like to you?”  Smokey’s voice
came from by the Docs feet. “The Super Mutant Cockroaches…..”  

The small crowd from Harvey’s place all murmured and the Tooth Faerie softened a bit
and sheepishly asked.
“Who the Hell are the Super Mutant Cockroaches?!”  
Elvis visibly shuddered and hung his head low as Zik picked up his glasses and hat and
handed them to him. He took them and ran his hand through his hair, putting them on.
“The name sort of sums them up……they are the scourge of the Galaxy and they make
the Draco and Slime alliance look like Brownies.”  Grond smiled excitedly.  “ME like
brownies!”
The Tooth Faerie nodded. “So do I.” The Colonel muttered. “I bet you do…”   And
ducked just as  Delores the Tooth Faerie went to slap him, slapping Elvis again instead.
“HEY!!” He held his mouth, scowling at her. “Sorry, I was aiming for your asshole  
friend!”   Elvis pulled another bottle out from his coat and unscrewed the cap, taking a
deep gulp and passing it to the Tooth Faerie as
Smoky said. “You STOLE ANOTHER
ONE?"    TO BE CONTINUED.....
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