AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS

PART # 8

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN DEDUCTION


Delores the Tooth Faerie warily took the bottle of 150 year old single malt scotch
from
The behemoth of a man and with out wiping the “mouth” of the bottle, took a long
pull and handed  it  back to Elvis Mellon. “Smooth! I was only around six hundred and
fifty   years old when that Scotch was distilled!” Elvis grinned as his eyes gave her
another scan from head to toe. “You’re pretty “Smokin” for  a seven hundred and
fifty  year old broad!”   She threw her head back and laughed
( more like a cackle…)
causing silver glitter
( Faerie dust ) to sprinkle all over Smoky, who started to
levitate into the air with an alarmed look on his feline face. “Great Caesars’ Ghost!!
What the Hell is that stuff?!” Everyone watched in amazement
( everyone that was
not  a mythological or supernatural being- that is….)
as the large gray cat  swam
through the air and apparently started to like it. Delores grabbed him and brushed
the “dust” off him and set him down on the floor. “You would call it Pixie or Faerie
dust!”

Elvis and the Colonel looked at each other and said in unison.  “What happens if you
snort it?” Mrs. Claus Stamped her high heeled, pointed toe snow boots and cleared
her throat, still waving the ransom note in front of Elvis’s bearded face. “EXCUSE
ME??!! HELLOOOOO??! Can  we dispense with  the sophomoric hi jinx  and get
started on rescuing my husband and his friends and saving Christmas??” She stood in
front of Elvis and took the bottle from his hand and threw it into the fireplace,
smashing the bottle and causing a huge green fireball to bath the room in an  eerie,  
green light for a moment. Elvis doubled over as if struck in the gut, kneeling in front
of the fireplace with a pained expression and biting his hand. “ THAT WAS ALMOST
HALF FULL!!!
( sobbing...)  - If anyone else had done that,  they would be flying
through the front window right now-  glass and all!! But….YOUR right…
( with a deep  
sigh )
LET’S MOVE OUT!”

Meanwhile in the undisclosed location where the  defector extraterrestrial  biological
entities known as “The Grays”
( who are obviously working for some mysterious
human Earth male –who may indeed be working for or with some sinister
extraterrestrial “agency” far eviler then the Draco and their Gray cyborg clone
armies…)
The once mortal but now immortal being known as Santa Claus ( among
other names )
sat wearily and drearily on his cold metal bench , in the damp, dark
cell with only a stack of old Life magazines from

Decades past , now slightly mildewed ,  dog eared and with coffee stains on them to
alleviate the boredom . He flipped through an old article from 1961 and was amazed
to see his old friend Elvis Mellon with his trademark aviator sunglasses , hat, wacky
tie and sport coat ( pre -“Uncle Floyd” ) in a black and white photograph taken  back
stage at the “Jack Paar show.”  He was standing with Dody Goodman, Jack Paar, Don
Knott’s, and Jacky Gleason. Elvis had what looked like a martini glass in his left hand
and had his right  arm around Jacky Gleason. The caption read  “Jack Paar , and
guests share a laugh.” Krisanov ( Santa )
Had run into  Elvis Mellon  a number of times in the last 8000 years and would later
testify on his behalf when he got in trouble with the “Bureau of Time and Space
affairs” – an agency run by seventh  density interdimensional beings who govern
over this particular Universe and its third plane inhabitants
( the Galactic
Confederation counsel members answers to them –and they in turn answer to a
“higher authority”)
  and the

“Cybernetic children of the Ascendant”  of which Virgil and Ovid are members are
one of the few “groups” that have Universal
( Multiversal -) immunity to any of those
laws and since Elvis Mellon is under their guidance and protection …Dammed if he
didn’t skate on that one! He had gotten in trouble for his time and space leaping
about and blatant disregard of rules pertaining to time travel, often on a drunken
whim because he suddenly had a craving for some real “junk food” like a
“Frankfurter” and  did things like

set his watch for 1846 Frankfurt Germany and just drunkenly walked down the main
street of the city in his 20th/21st century manner of dress
( Though often Virgil
would automatically dress him or give him the holographic appearance of the
particular time period he leapt to , and his watch translated what he said into the
native tongue and visa versa…)
and  he often made a spectacle of himself as did his
companions
( especially the Colonel ) and Krisanov had crossed paths with him a
number of times. He could not  even remember the first time he met him, it was
either in  Mesopotamia in 5, 989 B.C

Or 5, 995 B.C Egypt. Either way , Elvis’s time travel  usually involved grain alcohol
and scantily clad or naked women, followed by some sort of violent debacle that
almost ended in all out war, later “cleaned up” by  Virgil. He would later run into him
around the globe, often on Christmas eve, Like when he found Elvis at  Buckingham
Palace in London , England in 1853 next to Prince Alpert’s Christmas tree
( He
introduced the custom to Britain and America )
 drinking Alpert's brandy and
fondling a chambermaid who he had convinced that HE was Father Christmas
( For
that one he did dress in the traditional  Red and

White “Father Christmas” outfit and had the crown of Holly Leaves on his head.... and
his pants down around his ankles.)
 Krisanov scolded him and told he would get coal  
in his stocking if he did not  get out of there and go back to his own time period -
(which has become something of a mystery as to exactly WHAT TIME PERIOD he
should be in and don’t even ask about what universe or temporal zone……)
and when
he asked Elvis what he was doing in the private chambers of Queen Victoria’s and
Princess Alpert’s

living quarters in Buckingham Palace on Christmas Eve of 1853, Elvis Mellon
shrugged and  told him he was shooting for 63 A.D Lonindium
(Roman Britain) where
this liberated Greek slave with a small fish shop near the Thames river made a great
fried eel sandwich, but he was too drunk and could not  read the numbers on his
watch and set it wrong and when he found out where and when he was , he thought he
would try some of  Alpert’s brandy and cigars. Santa  sat there in the damp room,
reminiscing and thinking about how Father Time and  Mother Nature had also
testified at that trial and that is how Elvis gained membership into Harvey’s private
club. He was feeling more light hearted then he had in days at seeing this picture of
his irresponsible but charming friend, when he heard the sound  of heavy boots
coming down the corridor towards his cell.  The elves were sound asleep on either
side of him when the tall, hooded figure appeared outside the bars of the cell door.
“We are waiting on word from The President of the United States and your wife as to
whether you live or die. The U.N counsel agreed to let The President  be spokesman
for the planet.  We gave him and your wife and the U.N our terms for your release
and he promised he would meet all the criteria for your

Release. This world must really love you, to give up one hundred billion dollars in
gold, delivered by Gary Coleman, Mcauley  Culkin , and Emmanuel Lewis, PLUS  
three barges of irradiated garbage.” Santa Claus glared at  the cloaked figure with an
incredulous expression. “You’re MAD!! Insane!!  What the Devil would you want with
three barges of irradiated garbage??” Just then he saw the monstrous shadow of
some gigantic insect, out of some nightmare , growing in size on the far wall behind
the hooded being. He heard this loud clicking and scraping sound as a massive black ,
shiny head like that of some prehistoric, Monster Cockroach , moved into view next
to the tall, dark figure. When Santa heard it speak he almost fainted. “We are going to
use the three barges of irradiated garbage to feed our young, when our millions of
eggs hatch in the sewers below Las Vegas  , they shall grow fast and strong and soon
our new generation of troops , born into Earths atmosphere-shall conquer this world
and claim it as our own!MUUUUAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Elvis Mellon and his crew said their goodbyes to Mrs. Claus and he promised to keep
her posted on the latest developments as he and the others, along with their guests,
climbed the ramp into the Viking. The space craft had now morphed into a sleek
looking Concord S.S.T and with the ramp up and the door sliding shut, it lifted up like
a British “Harrier” Horizontally into the cold and star filled night sky. The Aurora
Borealis
(Northern Lights) painted a rainbow of colors on the snow white star ship as
it shrank to a pin point and disappeared. Inside the roomy and comfortable   lounge
area, everyone mingled and drank and chatted amiably. The Easter Bunny was

having an animated conversation with Doctor Sax as Zik chatted up several up
Scarecrows. The Colonel was filling in Hermes on his temporary duties as Grond
marveled at how Captain Hook was spearing cheese squares with his Hook and eating
them.   Delores the  Tooth Faerie was petting Smoky as he lay curled in her lap and
Elvis told her about that famous incident between Johnny Carson and Raquel  Welsh.
“How did that go again?” Delores asked coyly. Elvis had pulled yet another bottle of

150 year old “Dangling Bull’s Bollocks” out of jacket pocket and was pouring him and
Delores a generous helping of it as he grinned. “Well Raquel had this cat on her lap
and she asked Johnny if he wanted to pet her pussy? And Johnny said- SURE,   move
the cat!”  Smoky lifted his head and opened one of his eyes towards Elvis. “How I let
you talk me into that I will never know! She wanted to bring me home after that and   
you were so drunk back stage in the green room with Orson Welles and Phyllis Diller,
that you almost let her!! AND YOU STILL didn’t get anywhere with her.” Elvis
turned red and dejectedly sipped his scotch. “O.K, o.k, doesn’t remind me!”  The Cat
got up on the Tooth Faeries lap and stretched and yawned. “Well, YOU brought it
up…..”   TO BE CONTINUED   
MENU DIRECTORY
PAGE # 9
This file is not intended to be viewed directly using a web browser. To create a viewable file, use the Preview in Browser or Publish to Yahoo! Web Hosting commands from within Yahoo! SiteBuilder.