AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS


PART # 11

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN REPLICATION

Aboard the bridge of the Super Mutant Cockroach battle cruiser,  “War Monger,” on the
bridge where they had   just materialized against their will, Zik went into his combat
stance, as did Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx, Zik; looking much like a Tarantula ready to strike
and Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx with front legs raised up above his head,  his massive claws
ready to impale the cockroach nearest to him.  Commander Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf
( technically the Captain of the ship ) , a Grizzled looking cockroach the size of 1978
Oldsmobile Delta 88 , with two long , bristly antenna waving above his big compound
eyes , was  sitting  upright with his vestigial “wings” spread out behind his command
chair with one of his upper legs
( black, shiny, armored and multi jointed -also covered
in grotesque “bristly” hairs )
holding a big, moldy half eaten sandwich, that he waved at
his  guests   and with a  mouth full of food,  said.  “WAIT, HOLD ON FELLAS ,  this is
not what you think!!  RELAX you two!!   We grabbed you guys so we could talk,  
Honest!!”  Zik maintained his stance with his many eyes rotating all over the large
room. “The day I trust you assholes is the day I put on a wedding dress and marry Elvis
Mellon!!”   

Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx slashed the air with his razor sharp claws and turned his head with
one eye on Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf and another on Zik , mumbling . “Now, THAT’S an ugly
image!” Zik swung his massive body closer to the Mantis. “What?!! I think I would look
good in white!”   Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx nodded negatively. “I was thinking of the wedding
night!” The Cockroach with the sandwich shoved the rest of it  between his mandibles
and into his mouth, wiping  crumbs away. “Well, you better call the Preacher because I
am on the level!!” Zik hesitantly lowered his legs and seemed to relax a little. “Has
Anyone ever told you sound just like Zero Mostel? Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf looked around
at the other bridge crew and shrugged. “Zero-WHO??!!”    “Never mind.”  The
Commander motioned for his guards to leave the bridge and he belched loudly, leaning  
forward. “Excuse me; May I offer you guys something to eat?” The white mantis
lowered his  claws but remained cautious. “Yeah, can you lie on a big plate and cover
yourself with hot sauce?”
(Mantis’s like their Earth counterparts EAT other insects-
including cockroaches…)
 Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf chuckled and leaned back in his

command chair. “Sorry I can’t oblige, but we have some excellent Aphid soup!” Zik
started tapping his legs which even the cockroaches knew was a sign of impatience and
frustration and from their past dealings with the Spiders
(* in the “Draco/Spider wars)
they knew you didn’t want to piss off a spider. He   trained all of his eyes on the
Commander. “Let’s cut the crap and this phony display of etiquette, WHAT DO YOU
WANT WITH US?? Your very presence here on this world is a break of the treaty and
will be viewed as an act of war by the Galactic Confederation!”  The massive cockroach
came out of his seat and crawled over to face Zik and the Mantis, his antenna almost
brushing against Zik’s enormous “knees.”  "We have nothing to do with the kidnapping
of that Santa Claus character! That is the work of three renegade Roaches who were
kicked out of our society years ago for not following the rules. Your buddy Virgil
contacted us and got us permission to come here but we knew that Elvis and that Doctor
Sax wouldn’t believe our intentions were good, so we conspired to lure you two fellow
arthropods aboard with the fake nest

Scheme, figuring you could reason with them. ”  Zik and Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx locked
(multiple- at least in Zik’s case…) eyes.
“Well, you were correct in the assumption  that they wouldnt trust you and frankly, I
don’t believe your intentions NOW!” The cockroach lifted his head. “Virgil, You getting
this?”  There was a flash of white light and an enormous red and black Wasp
(Virgil in
holographic form)
stood next to Zik. Zik jumped two feet in the air. “Virgil???!! Dam,
you scared the crap out of me  doing that!!”  Virgil/the wasp fanned his sleek,
translucent wings, producing a sound like playing cards in the spokes of a bicycle. “I am
sorry for the deception, how do you like my appearance? I figured being among insects
and YOU, it would be appropriate.” Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx looked from Virgil to the
Commander of the cockroach ship. “You look marvelous! Captain Ashtar will be furious
about all this, so  THANKS, I owe you one !!” The very large, amethyst hued spider still
sounded annoyed. “So now what?”  

The afternoon California sun  beat down on the dry grass of the Neverland estate as  
shirtless  landscapers wearing cut off shorts ,  looked up from their ministrations to
watch the exterminator truck drive up to the front steps of the mansion. The front
double doors swung open and two more security guards came running out with guns
drawn but quickly fell unconscious from a burst of concentrated “stun” beams that
lanced out from the vehicles head lights. Several hundred feet below the Viking, in an
underground bunker that was built into a natural formation of caves that the owner of
the property had discovered, in a dimly lit, dank prison cell, The man known to
the world as Santa Claus and Kris Kringle, sat wearily  on a cold metal bench with his
shoulders sagging, next to his  faithful elves -Thistle thorn and Frost berry. They had
been held for two weeks now in this mysterious dungeon and   Christmas Eve was only
two days away. The Reindeer in the next cell were bleating in fear as the gigantic,
monstrous Cockroach scuttled by their cell and stopped in front of Santa and the Elves,
who were semi dehydrated, hungry and dirty. “We were going to play fair and set you
all free after we got what we wanted but it looks like the American President has
betrayed us and called in help from

elsewhere!!  If Nothing else, you will teach us you’re magic before we eat your reindeer
and then slowly torture and kill you and those little guy's !”   A rather high pitched
voice and effeminate voice came fr
om out of sight. “Does that mean I don’t get to see
my darling boys??”  The Cockroach jerked its large, gruesome head towards the
direction of the voice. “You will be lucky if you don’t get my foot  up your ass!  Now  
shut up and stop distracting me!! If worse comes to worse you can have a good time
with these elves !!"     Just then they heard a massive explosion up above them and the
walls trembled. Several  of the Grays went running by carrying luggage and clutching
some plastic garbage bags. “The Jig is up!! Elvis Mellon and that nutty Colonel just
drove some kind of armored bus into the front of the house; we’re getting out of here!!  
The Cockroach
(whose name was Xxxthththyyyynnnnt” –which in the
insectoid/cockroach dialect is the
equivalent of “Myron”)
was a member of a renegade faction of cockroaches that were
isolationist's that were  against the super mutant cockroaches alliance with the Draco

and Grays and the Slime. They were only using these Grays and the freakish human and
planned on eating them when they had outlived their usefulness. What
Xxxthththyyyynnnnt didn’t know is that these  Grays were double agents and in
cahoots with the Commander of the War Monger. They were originally working for the
owner of the Neverland ranch
(so they thought…..)  That  had recruited them through
some Hollywood Scientology connections.  The Grays at Area # 51 had contacted them
on behalf of Virgil and they would receive amnesty for working with him and helping
Elvis Mellon and the  OTHER cockroach's rescue Santa
( Though Virgil hadn't informed
Elvis of this yet.)
  The huge roach yelled after the fleeing Grays.  “HEY, GET BACK
HERE YOU COWARDS!! I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU!!” It was too late, they had  
hopped in a freight elevator to the basement-
( above the “top floor” of the bunker/cave
complex. )
Elvis Mellon and Smoky  stepped gingerly over the smoldering  piles of
debris from the  caved in ,  blown up front wall and smashed double doors of the
Neverland Mansion. He was in what had been  “The Great hall” before the Viking
( in
armored battle bus mode )
had crashed  into it like a juggernaut and sat  half way inside
the large room , with huge laser and projectile

cannons blasting away at the detachment of Assassin bots
( available at most Galactic  
“Sporting goods” and “Army/ Space-Navy stores , must be over 17 to purchase….)
the  
Beach ball   sized bots looked like  BIG Christmas ornaments, bristling with  sinister
weapons of destruction. They were semi sentient but mostly  ran on programming and
one of the other cockroaches with Xxxthththyyyynnnnt
( his cousin  
Zzzxxththtyyykkkkp)  
 Sat in the subterranean office the Grays had just  vacated and  
was trying to  control them  with a small joy stick and a tv monitor. He flinched every
time one of them got vaporized by the Viking or Elvis Mellon’s hand held laser gun.
Zzzxxxxththtyyykkkkp found himself half marveling at how the human stood there with
the cat and holding  some kind of glass drinking receptacle   in one hand   
( a martini
glass   that  he frequently sipped from )
and his laser pistol in the other and despite his
seeming inebriated behavior
( some balance issues ) he   still managed to pick off
Assassin bots with pin point accuracy!

Colonel T.P Sommo, Hermes, Virgil
( who could be many places at once as an
omnipresent hyper dimensional “non localized awareness”  presently appearing as  
Jerry Lewis  in the exterminator uniform and coveralls )
Delores the Tooth Faerie,
Captain Hook and Peter Pan, The Easter Bunny, several Sasquatchs, Several Scarecrows
and “Sand men”  all  scrambled through the shambled Hall , dodging laser bolts and
bullets and  firing at the Assassin Bots and the Huge Cockroach that had lumbered up
right through the hard wood floor, with the weapons Virgil had supplied them. A very
paled skinned man with long black hair and a very pointy
( almost “Pixyish” ) nose ,
wearing one sequined white glove, black flood pants with white socks and black shiny
shoes and  wearing one of the white hospital masks,  stood trembling in an alcove of the
now ruined hall, watching this surreal spectacle.

Colonel T.P Sommo swept his black and silver cape behind his right shoulder and took a
long drag off of his Woodbine cigarette in its long holder. He stuck it back in his mouth
and  pulled out both of his specially modified  pearl handled 45’s and started blasting
the Assassin bots to smithereens as he yelled to the elf at his side.   “Fire that dam gun,
son!! Don’t be afraid of it!!” The small  Elf hesitantly aimed his gun.  "Their God
dammed robots, it aint like your killing a living thing!!! It won’t bite  ya boy, caress that
gun like it’s your God dammed penis!!”  The elf was dressed identically to the Colonel,
complete with a black and silver cape
(only smaller…) and he grimly blinked one eye for
focus and blasted away at the bots pouring through a hole in the wall. The giant
Cockroach charged Elvis as shrapnel and debris rained down amidst flames and smoke
and the roaring sound track of battle.   Elvis calmly pulled a large laser canon the size of
a bazooka from the inside of his sport coat and put his hand  gun in his belt loop. As
Smoky arched his back and hissed at the approaching beast     He hoisted the “canon”
onto his shoulder and pushed his sun glasses up , squinting with his left eye into the
scope. The monster was almost upon him when he  staggered forwards

and pulled the trigger, blowing the cockroaches head off in a shower of green and yellow
guts.  He looked down at his tie  and noticed a bit of “bug” guts on it . He pulled a
Handkerchief out of his right breast pocket and looked down at Smoky. “Get me some
club soda; I want to get this bug stain off my tie. The cat was shaking bug splatter off of
himself , it dripped from his bifocals as he  looked up angrily.   “Who the F#$% am I?
Martha Stewart??!! LOOK AT ME!!
I need a friggin REAL bath, I AINT LICKING THIS SHIT OFF OF ME!! Why don’t you
use your watch?” Another cockroach crawled up out of the hole in the floor as the
maelstrom of battle continued. For every Assassin bot they destroyed it seemed
another took its place!Elvis spoke the words “replacement tie”   into his watch and
suddenly the tie was new and clean. He spoke into it again. “Smoky, CLEAN” and there
was a strange sound like a toilet plunger being pulled off someone’s forehead.
“Booooouppp” and the Cats fur was perfectly clean and fluffy.  TO BE CONTINUED...
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