AN ELVIS MELLON CHRISTMAS

PART # 12

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION

Captain Ashtar looked disdainfully down at the dark water that  swirled  around his boots as
he stood with the others in the opening of the huge sewer pipe on the edge of the city of Las
Vegas, Nevada. “What could be keeping those two insects   from contacting us?”
Doctor Sax turned his head up so Ashtar could see  his  eyes beneath the shadow of his wide
hat brim as  he  spoke in a voice filled with exasperation.  “Zik is NOT an insect, he is a
member of the Anachrid family, which consists of 11 branches including Scorpions, Ticks,
Harvestman, Seudo-Scorpians, etc, and Spiders, ZIK is a spider, and just be glad he didn’t
hear you say that or you might find your decapitated  head shoved up your ass.”  Captain
Ashtar’s eyes widened slightly but he refrained from responding.  It was dusk in the desert
and the lights of Las Vegas were twinkling in the distance as Ashtar followed Doc Sax out of
the sewer pipe and up the slope towards the outskirts of the city. The rest of his troops, Black
Ops team and members of Elvis Mellon’s crew trailed behind them.


Ashtar hurried to keep up with the Doc as Grond lumbered up to the crest of the hill behind
them. “Thank you for the Entomology lesson, Doctor, now why are we l
eaving the sewers?”
The tall, thin man in the black  leather Duster and wide brimmed hat looked at his watch. “All
will be revealed.” As everyone including himself, Grond and Ashtar disappeared in a flash of
white light. Mere seconds later, the good captain found himself aboard the Visigoth, along
with the others of Mellon’s crew but minus the Black Op’s boy's and his own Galactic troops.
They had been beamed back to the Galactic Alliance fleet in orbit of the planet. Virgil greeted  
them in holographic form as late actor  Sam Jaffe as he appeared  in the 1937 classic film
(of a
James Hilton novel)
“Lost Horizons” –A the High Lama.  This was lost on Ashtar and Grond,
but Doc Sax,  the two Chimps and the dog got the reference. “Welcome aboard Captain Ashtar,
It is an honor indeed. Doc, Grond, Thor,
(all nodding to each other) Sedgwick and Hector,
good to see you all.”
Ashtar looked around at the famous lounge and “playroom” of Elvis Mellon. He had been here
before, several times over and still marveled at its strange atmosphere and ambiance.
He was familiar with Earth culture and history and liked the old 19th century Pipe Organ and
he knew it was there as a tribute to the famous  work of fictional literature from the
Frenchmen Jules Verne’s novel,  “Twenty thousand leagues under the sea” because Captain
Nemo had one aboard the “Nautilus.”  He liked the old books and Mahogany and oak
woodwork and the old sitting chairs and works of art, but it was the black light and velvet
“paintings” of Elvis’s name sake and those dogs’ playing cards that ruined it for him-
(   That
and the blow up doll handcuffed to headless manikin with its pants down around its ankles and
a garden hose between its legs spraying water into the giant fish tank. )
 The others were
already sitting at the bar when he came out of his private thoughts of hijacking this ship and

redecorating it and making Virgil wait on him hand and foot, with Elvis Mellon cleaning the
ships toilets when not chained in its brig. The Doc shot him a suspicious eye and then turned
to the holographic being. “I am sure you have a good reason for interrupting our mission and
bringing us here?”  Virgil smiled beatifically and calmly turned and raised a white sleeved
arm. A large, three dimensional oval screen appeared floating in the air, it split in two and one
image
(to the left) showed the bridge of the Cockroach battle cruiser “War Monger” with Zik
Iiiiiizzzzzxxxxxxxx, Commander   Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf and a huge black and red wasp and on
the right screen everyone recognized Elvis Mellon and Smoky in the center of a raging battle.
Thor barked and whined and nervously paced. “What the Hell is going on Virgil?”
Everyone looked from screen to screen, then back to Virgil. “Relax, I am aboard the
Cockroach ship AND with Elvis in California
(the wasp waved a front leg at the screen as
“Jerry Lewis” waved from the other)
and we will be there in minutes with the Cockroach
warships! They are helping us round up the renegades that are part of the Santa Claus
kidnapping!” Grond couldn’t help but grin. “You mean WE GO NEVER LAND??”


Back on Earth at the aforementioned Never Land, Virgil had grown bored with the assassin
bots and simply deactivated all  of them at once. They  simultaneously dropped to the floor
with loud crashing “THUDS.”  Xxxthththyyyynnnnt
(Myron) the renegade Super Mutant
Cockroach looked over to his cousin Zzzxxxxththtyyykkkkp
(Hank) and the video monitor
that showed all the assassin bots crumpled on the ground. “WHY AINT THEY MOVING!! FIX
THEM!!” Hank worked the switches and levers and played with the joystick. “It doesn’t
work!! They are ALL DEAD!!”  Myron heard the explosions getting louder and closer. “Mom
was right; you’re nothing but a screw up!!”
Hank’s antenna’s twitched. “Aunt Zelda said I’M a screw up??!! Who’s the one that flunked out
of the academy and defected   and is now the head of his own criminal organization??!!  
“SO??? At least I never got arrested for snorting type writer fluid!”
As those two idiots argued, the Grays with their luggage and what ever “booty” they could
salvage made their way up the stairs from the basement and tried to sneak  down a back
passage behind the great hall. They had initially defected from the Hive mind
( Not all Grays  
were Cyborg clone shock troops, working for the Draco )
they had made it past the blockades
to Earth and joined an underground network of free agent “Aliens”
( of various species )
working in a variety of  public and private sector jobs ,  often in the

Entertainment industry and the “service” industry. They quickly found jobs as busboys and
dishwashers at several Chinese and Mexican restaurants in Los Angeles
(no one gave them a
second look there…)
and upon meeting a certain semi famous actor and devout scientologist
who thought they were in make up for a sci-fi movie, they were put on to their current gig as
“House boys”
(servants) for a certain infamous celebrity, once beloved by millions. Little did
they know that he was already in league with some very nasty off world individuals with
negative agenda’s. One of them had a former Test tube mate that worked at Area # 51
(Larry)
who contacted him with the down low from Virgil about helping out Elvis and giving the
normally, gruesome and evil Super Mutant Cockroach consortium, that NOW wanted
redemption and a truce with the Galactic alliance. “Fred”
(One of the Grays that had dressed
up as the hooded and cloaked figure-the Top half…)
was trying to reach his cousin on his cell
phone as they crept towards the front of the mansion. “The signal is blocked, it must be
Myron from down below.” He put his phone away and as they turned a corner, their “Master”
The “King of Pop” and owner of the Never Land ranch jumped out in front of them holding a
revolver. “Going somewhere?”  Myron and Hank were still having a heated argument when the
metal door

To the room they were in, blasted off its hinges and flew past them in a shower of cinders and
a cloud of smoke. Elvis Mellon stood in the doorway, laser canon propped on his shoulder
with one hand, drink in the other. “Hello Boys…. Am I late for the party?”
The Three Cockroach battle cruisers hovered over the Never Land Ranch as the Visigoth
(which was the size of all three of them put together…) cruised in above them and beamed
everyone down. The “Avatar, ” The Alliance’s flagship “Avatar” under  Ashtars command ,
was piloted in under the 3rd in command bridge  Officer ,  a beautiful dark skinned Lyran
woman
( who had no great love of Ashtar, but plenty of loathing…) Sub Commander Availar.
Avatar circled Visigoth and beamed down the Black Ops detachment and the Phalanx of
Alliance troops. The remaining Cockroach mercenaries working for Myron and Hank were
being rounded up or picked off by Colonel T.P Sommo and his temporary attaché Hermes, and
the gang from “Harvey’s private club.”

The Grays were marched through the swinging doors to the great hall by the gun totting
masked celebrity, who expected to find his Cockroach allies and Assassin bots, finishing off
that tackily dressed big guy with the spectacled Cat, and his strange crew of   “theater people”
or circus performers or what ever they must be. To his horror, a dozen weapons were leveled
at his head  by a woman dressed like a Goth Tooth Faerie, several Scare Crows, and guys in
Bigfoot costumes
( so he thought ) and no less then 20 huge black “Alien” Cockroaches came
marching into the smoldering ruins of his house like Panzer Tanks at the fall of Stalingrad.
Behind them marched sharply dressed humanoid soldiers in bright blue uniforms and body
armor with a group of men dressed in black from head to toe , falling in behind them.


The two big cockroaches turned and hissed at Elvis Mellon and started to move towards him
but stopped as he aimed the impressive looking cannon at their heads. “Do NOT even think
about it. NOW WHERES Santa Claus?”  Their huge heads sagged and their antenna’s pointed
out the door. “Down the hall….”  Elvis handed the Cannon to the Chimps who were right
behind him. “Watch em fella’s; blast them to Smithereens if they make a move.” Hank couldn’t
keep his mouth shut. “What are Smithereens?” The large Gray Cat with glasses at Elvis’s feet
looked up at the monstrous insect. “Well, the word has its origins in 1829 and it is believed to
have then been “Smiddereens” and it has been widely agreed by Etymologists, NO, NOT
Entomologists that study YOU GUYS, but Etymologists that study words and languages,
THAT the word comes form the Irish Gaelic word smidirini   meaning -small bits and pieces,
actually there is no definite proof and…..” Hanks head sank even lower. “Enough already, Feel
free to Blow me to Smithereens!!!”  
As Elvis raced down the dank corridor, Zik and a large white Mantis came from the freight
elevator doors towards him, with the Doc and Grond in tow. They met at the cells where a
dazed and disheveled Kris Krisanov/Santa Claus and his two Reindeer and Elves blinked at
them in shock. Elvis blasted the lock off the cell doors with his watch and he and the Doc
pulled the prisoners out into the hall and helped support them. Santa hugged Elvis and then
grabbed his wrist and looked at Elvis’s watch. “Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, you sure cut it
close!!”  “Whew, you need a shower old man, YOU STINK!!”  Grond was standing by the Doc
grinning at the reindeer's. “Me like reindeer's.”  The Doc once again rolled his eye, took off
his hat and beat Grond with it. “NO EATING the reindeer!!”  !!”  There was a

thunderous explosion and all eyes turned to see Captain Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf and several
other cockroaches coming out of a smoking hole next to the freight elevator. Colonel T.P
Sommo, clutching the collar of a pale thin man with a hospital mask, was behind them with the
little elf. Virgil appeared in between Elvis and the Cockroach captain. “You got my message I
trust?” Elvis Mellon had his arm around the tired old Cultural Icon. “YES, Hello
Xiiiixxcccthtthyyrrf, I guess I owe you thanks for your help and support….So I wont splatter
your green guts all over the walls today.” Xiiiixxzzzthtthyyyrrf   nodded and smiled the
cockroach version of a grin. “Gee, thanks!
(Eyeing the Doc and Grond) can you vouch for
your friends?” The Doc was glaring at the Cockroaches with visible rage. “Doc, Grond, I know
you guys are pissed about what happened at Shimlidum, but for today, there’s a truce,
PLEASE?” Grond patted the Doc so hard on the back he almost fell over the elves.” Don’t  
worry Doc, there be other time.”
The Colonel dragged the “King of Pop” in front of Santa Claus and Elvis as the Cockroach
Captain crawled past everyone to check on the renegades of his species. Elvis lit a smoke and
took a deep drag, then blew the smoke in the masked man’s face. “What I cant figure out is
what YOU of all people would be doing mixed up with renegade alien Cockroaches and
kidnapping Santa Claus?” Colonel T.P Sommo dragged the frightened man up really  close to
Zik, who would scare the crap out of anyone that didn’t know him. “Start talking or I feed you
to the spider!”
(Kicking Zik’s front foot so he didn’t blurt out that he didn’t eat
people…)
 In a rather odd sounding voice, the man sobbed. “I just wanted to be famous again
and to be rich beyond belief…”  Smoky came out of the other room and said “That voice
sounds familiar…BUT not like ….it belongs to him..”  The Colonel looked like a light bulb had
just gone on in his head and he grabbed the man by the neck and started pulling and to
everyone’s amazement and accompanied by a chorus of gasps, his “face” came peeling off.
Colonel T.P Sommo gazed in horror at the now pudgy face framed by red hair that looked
incongruous with the body it was attached to. Elvis leaned in and took his sunglasses off,
squinting curiously. “MASON REESE??!!”  There was a chorus of “WHO THE Hell is Mason
Reese?”


All eyes were shifted to Elvis Mellon. “A once famous child star that did commercials for
Underwood Deviled ham back in the early to mid seventies and made a lot of appearances on
the Mike Douglas show! He was known for his precociousness, red hair and slight lisp. WHY
Mason? AND what did you do with Michael Jackson??!!”  The man shrugged, He’s fine, I
locked him in the broom closet down the hall….I just wanted to get in the spotlight again and
to meet the child stars that came after me. Those Cockroaches talked me into kidnapping
Santa and ransoming him off for all that gold and radioactive garbage. I just wanted to meet
Gary Coleman, McCauley Culkin and Emmanuel Lewis. He started sobbing. ”I’m sorry Santa…”
The white haired old man with the white beard and rosy cheeks gave him a weak smile and
motioned for him to come closer. The now thirty two year old
( it was 1997 ) pudgy faced man
held out his arms and approached Santa expecting a tearful embrace and forgiveness.
Santa Claus kneed him in the balls and he went down like a ton of bricks. He started kicking
him in the head,  “You rotten son of a bitch, I 'll teach you not to kidnap people and hold them
hostage, you fat, lousy, F%$3 !!!”  and it took Elvis , Zik and the Colonel to pull him off the
would be kidnapper, now curled in a ball on the floor. Elvis put his hand on the old man's
shoulder.  "Santa!!! Pleas
e ( whispering in his ear ) You have an image to keep up."

The beloved cultural icon looked around him. "I am standing in a subterranean hide out,  
underneath the Never land ranch and  owned by a fallen pop idol accused of being a
pedophile, and I was kidnapped by a  washed  up and all grown up child star who is
impersonating the fallen pop idol who HE is holding hostage and obviously wearing a girdle
made out of titanium because I know for a fact (
looking at the crumpled form of Mason Resse
-being helped to his feet by Grond and  Hermes ..
) HES fatter then me and Elvis put together
and meanwhile  he plots with extraterrestrial MUTANT COCKROACHES who are just as
greedy and twisted as any human on this planet AND I have been sitting in a dark, cold prison
cell for two weeks with out a shower or bath, having to shit in front of my elves and visa versa
with no privacy, NOT that we have had much to shit, seeing as they have fed us stale bread
and moldy cheese and lukewarm soup  with their "cousins" from Earth floating in it and I
have been bricked up like  cement and my poor reindeer's have been terrorized by the giant

bugs and those big headed aliens that worked with them and NOW I am standing here with
some deviant drunk with a gut  to rival mine and  the mentality of an adolescent who gets his
kicks time traveling and painting mustaches on   Roman Emperors while they are sleeping or
putting their hands in a jar of warm water !!!
( He whispers to Elvis- ( SORRY..kid...I'm on a
roll )
 who hangs out with a frigging neurotic and monstrous, crystalline  spider, a nutty
Colonel who dresses more like Liberace then his hero-Patton, a TALKING GOD DAMMED CAT
WHO TALKS DOWN TO EVERYONE ( glaring at the cat- THAT   is trying not to look
embarrassed...)  AND we are in the company of gigantic F#$%ing bugs and 9 foot tall green,
hairy things that talk like Tarzan's retarded younger brother , and some Doctor Who wanna be
( Elvis put his hand over the Doc's mouth...)  
.....AND your worried about MY image??!!"  Ashtar and some of his troops had come down
into the corridor while  Santa Claus vented ,  accompanied by Delores the Tooth Faerie  and
Peter Pan and a few other denizens of Harveys private club. Elvis nodded for Ashtars men to
escort the tarnished child star to the surface , to await the Presidents helicopter  that was  en
route. The captain of the cockroach battle cruiser "War Monger"  asked Elvis if he could
borrow his laser cannon and then he escorted the Doc and Grond into the room where the
chimps and Thor  were watching them
( Myron and Hank ) and  Doc took the cannon from the
chimps and handed it to Grond , who blasted Hank to Smithereens. Grond handed the cannon
back to the Doc who calmly blasted Myron  into splinters of shell and green glop. Mr. Jackson
was freed and given a memory wipe by Virgil , while his mansion was restored to its pristine
condition in a mater of moments. The President landed with a detachment of secret service
and  Elvis debriefed him , turning the prisoner
( Mason Reese ) over to him and his men for
prosecution. He received a fate worst then death - After a stint at a  Federal psychiatric
facility , he would later become a Speech writer for the Presidents wife when she ran for
President herself a decade or so later, having to endure hours on hours of listening to her
rehearse.  Virgil helped Santa Claus get ready for Christmas that year
( 1997 ) and it went off
with out a hitch.  The Grays got jobs  at Disneyland and the Cockroach battle cruisers were
escorted out of Alliance space. Delores the Tooth Faerie and Ashtars 3rd in command- Availar
became an item.   Elvis Mellon  finally got his date with  Mizuki Mizawa , the Area # 51
scientist. She would never look at German potato salad the same way again.....
THE  END.
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