"ORIGINS OF THE LUBRICATORS"  (  origins of Elvis Mellon villains #3 )  

A  Quinn Martian production    

Copyright    2008

Rumors abound about the origins of the Lubricators-

Legend has it    that back during the old days of the "Draco/Spider wars" when
Zik's Mom, Queen IIIIIIIP  of the spider home world of Arancanonazarathain    
and Zor's Dad   "Rex"- emperor of the Draco star empire- played a game of
interstellar  chess  with their vast armies  and fleets of warships as the chess
piece’s , the Draco made an unholy alliance with the Lubricator's-   a marauding
race of killer robots that   were rumored to have  invaded from another galaxy   
and  had been terrorizing the outer reaches of the Milky way  as they worked
their way towards it’s  center.  "The Cybernetic children of the ascendant"  
including Ovid -Virgil's "creator/Father"  ( an older super sentient computer
holographic being )-  informed the Galactic Confederation that   the Lubricators  
had indeed come  from  a distant galaxy in   ages past   and that   they  had
crossed vast distances to reach  this galaxy and then crashed on some
uninhabited and nameless ,  frozen world out on

the galactic rim where the last survivors conserved energy by powering down and
finally succumbed to the cold and lay dormant for centuries until plundering
space Pirates  found their ship’s wreckage  while carrying out  a recon mission
while hiding on that lifeless world to hide  from Confederation and Draco patrols.
Pirates swore allegiance to know one and often their crews consisted of many
star races INCLUDING Draco and humanoid species alike and much like their
ancient   Earth counterparts they lived to raid  frontier outposts and supply  
stations and  rape and pillage their way through the stars and long ago even
Elvis Mellon had  fallen in with a pirate crew under Captain "Smoothie O Felon"
and had himself become a pirate for several years but  this was before   he met
his future manager and agent Vinnie Finklestein   and started non station K.L.S.
D but that is a tale for another time.

The Pirates that found the ”alien" ( to this galaxy ) craft half buried and   frozen
in a permafrost of Ammonia crystals and frozen hydrogen slush, didn't  live to
plunder anyone else. When they got the smaller ship into their hold and
defrosted it the rise in temperature activated the surviving , fully intact  last of its
kind,   some strange alien machine-  built by unknown intelligence’s and later
speculated to be  like Ovid's creators, a race long vanished and  gone.  Little did
these hapless galactic pirates know that the strange , alien ( to them ) robotic
unit, an  artificial intelligence  from some strange galaxy  that stirred and woke  
in their  cargo hold as they  tried to examined it and attempted to access and
determine its usefulness and value would be the last booty they ever plundered.
It killed every pirate on the ship before they could cry out “Shiver me cybernetic
implants" and then it plugged itself into the nearest power source and recharged
and then cannibalized the entire ship and its contents for spare parts and
assimilated the foreign (to itself) technology into its data matrix and  built itself
an undamaged body and downloaded its artificial , cybernetic sentience  into it.
It then used the rest of the scraps and parts to build itself companions and
copied its sub programs into them and thus the Lubricators

were born. The Pirates had a hold full of plundered farm equipment from an
agricultural planet as well as a variety of stolen  galactic technology and most of
it was old, ramshackle and pieced together with various parts manufactures from
different star races.  The Pirates knew they could sell it on the black market to
poor and desperate farmers and settlers eking out a living   on the fringe worlds
of the galactic rim and turn a good profit. Now that which had been created last
by its dying masters had now become first in this new galaxy- and "First" had
learned and assimilated the strange technologies and found them compatible
with its programming and hardware and it and its new companions downloaded
all the available data   on this new galaxy and its countless worlds and they flew
out among the stars since they didn't need the pirates ship that they had built
themselves out of

(Along with the farm equipment) and   they had self propulsion units and were
miniature ships unto themselves and that is how it all started. They would attack
and assimilate those possessing any machinery or technology that they
encountered and discovered that they needed to replenish their lubricating
fluids that kept their mechanics running smoothly. The beat up farming and
other equipment including the pirate ship they had built themselves out of , all
had a plethora    of blown and degraded seal gaskets and their lubricating oil
kept leaking out, necessitating  them to learn how to acquire more of the
precious fluid’s   and to find out  where they locate vast quantities.  They would
compete with the Pirates and other aggressive, marauding star races and
renegades in raiding   other ships, outposts, frontier worlds and mining planets
but aside from forcefully taking any  building materials and technology for self
replicating and assimilating knowledge, their only

Real plunder was oil. They would eventually learn to carry these great   supplies
of precious all purpose high grade oil in huge tanker ships and      to
accommodate their plundered   hard ware and technology they built super cargo
and replicating factory ships.   However, despite all of their intelligence and
evolving awareness and knowledge, they still were inherently flawed. Their  
initial  problem of having used the  faulty and degraded gaskets that had caused  
the oil to leak out in the first place, continued to be overlooked and though logic
would dictate that much time and energy could have been saved by simply
eliminating the leaking issue in the first place with a closed , leak proof system,
that one glitch remained and they never figured it out.  One could always tell
where the Lubricators had been there by the trail of oil left behind AND THAT is
why they became known as “THE LUBRICATORS".  Their leader  "First"  and his
brethren  grew stronger and  assimilated vast knowledge and other then their
need  for the acquisition of oil for lubrication  and the machinery for replication ,
they did not really go out of their way to harm the biological entities inhabiting
this galaxy. All of that changed  when Firsts fleet of Lubricators were caught
unawares by a magnetic
storm and bad solar flares while plundering a Draco colony world for its machine
oil and spare parts. Most of the Lubricators were destroyed or badly damaged
and the survivors put down on Reptilicon # 6 -113 - a Draco scientific community
and outpost specializing in adapting Gray cyborg clones to special implants.  A

scientist by the name of   Hemroidicus Buurrnzz – a brilliant researcher in the
Draco military technology core had found them. He might have been a brilliant
scientist but he was a lousy husband and Father and a very bitter and angry
individual. Granted his wife had just run off with his proctologist and his eldest
son had announced shortly after that he was becoming a vegetarian ( to a
reptilian race and  society that has always been predominately carnivorous that
was like announcing you were a cross dressing Satanist with a fetish for farm
animals )
Never the less, Hemroidicus was not a very happy camper. His life took an
upturn when he found First and his surviving crew and repaired them. First’s

Suffered severe damage and Hemroidicus Buurrnzz did the best he could and
decided that these strange bots would make excellent servants and companions
now that his wife had run off and took their vegetarian son with her.  (What was
next, His   son marrying some mammalian species or listening to Elvis Mellon??  
)  So he decided to program some of his personality into the bots.  His wife had
left him because as Draco go- he made Zor seem like Donny Osmond!! He
possessed a short temper, and an abiding intolerance, disdain and deep hatred
for most other galactic species and even OTHER Draco. He was as anal retentive
as they come and prone to temper tantrums and  melt downs  and now he had
just programmed all of that into several  extremely clever and quick learning
robots from another galaxy and he had also given them armor plating and an
entire arsenal of deadly weapons and Draco   military protocols from  his earlier
work with assassin bots and   Draco shock troops automated assault craft.

He did however neglect to give them restrictive programming for his own security
and safety and woke up the next morning to find they had stolen one of his
cargo ships and left the system. He was only grateful they hadn't butchered him
and his assistants and leveled their outpost. Thus the new and improved
Lubricators were unleashed upon the galaxy and one other thing Hemroidicus
forgot -was to replace their gaskets.  They still leaked and needed constant
lubrication and now when they plundered and raided worlds for their oil they
killed and destroyed anything that got in their way or that moved or just looked
at them funny, except the Draco. Hemroidicus made dam sure that put certain
"failsafe" features into the programming and he also gave them personalities.

He had  also programmed them with some of his other personality traits
including those things that brought him some  pleasure and enjoyment  out of
life , but  unfortunately for the rest of the non Draco star races in this galaxy   
THAT   pleasure and enjoyment  that the Lubricators were now experiencing  was
from  terminating biological life forms and cannibalizing their ships, cities,
machinery-etc to make more Lubricators and when the Draco Emperor  Rex and
his Prima Donna of a son,  Zor  lead the Draco star empire in a  war against  the
spiders, They  learned the hard way that was a very stupid decision. Rex had
appointed his son Zor, as the “High commander of the Zeta Reticulli forces”
which was comprised of their most battle hardened Draco shock troop veterans
and their Gray cyborg clone armies and it was these troops that led the assault
on the spider’s home world. The spiders never bothered anyone and when

They did occasionally venture forth from their home world and various colony
worlds on missions of peace and education and they brought enlightenment and
raised the consciousness of others through their beautiful and transcendent
music. The “spiders” physiology was silica based and they were 60 percent
“brain,” and their quartz –like crystalline bodies received energy from sound and
light waves, in essence feeding on sound vibrations , light waves, solar radiation
among other things. They used their webs to vibrate sounds and to create the
most exquisite harmonics and in turn fed off those sounds and their music had a
calming effect on most sentient and non sentient galactic species and could  
bring about a state of raised consciousness in receptive individuals but the most
important thing Rex learned about the spiders was DO NOT  PISS THEM OFF!!!  

The spiders decimated the Draco forces and Rex made an alliance with the
Lubricators and promised them   Oceans of oil  and they helped him invade the   
Spiders home world (   SECOND BIG MISTAKE)  and  the spiders kicked their  
collective ass and  never forgot that intrusion on their privacy  and they hunted
the Draco down and the Lubricators alike  and  the war raged on for years with
the Galactic confederation backing the spiders and the super mutant
cockroaches and the "slime" allied with the Draco and the deadly bots.
Eventually the spiders tore apart almost every Lubricator and brought the fight
to Rex's front door and in fear of being his imminent death and the extinction of
his race he then sued for a truce.

The deal was the Lubricators had to be disassembled or banished from known
space and the Draco had to pay for the damage to Arancanonazarathain and the
Draco   complied and there was peace, at least until the next war that Elvis
Mellon started by blasting that primitive music he called "Rock and Roll" across
the Milky way and Zor( by then the heir to the throne and  supreme emperor of
the Draco star empire )  broke the truce and declared war,  but that was much
later.  Meanwhile, apparently not all of the Lubricators were destroyed and at
least  one of them managed to make it back to Reptilicon #6-113  ,  where an

older and even crankier Hemroidicus Buurrnzz hid it and repaired it,    where
upon it escaped years later and started  rebuilding more of its kind   and Elvis
Mellon and  his relatively new ( back then ) ship "The Visigoth"  would  
encountered them  after years of  their terrorizing the galaxy again and  with the
help of his crew that  including the mighty "Zik"- sworn enemy of the Lubricators
and their allies   and Elvis's powerful and god like ships computer- Virgil -and
the ingenious,  genetically enhanced cat, personal assistant to Elvis Mellon, "Mr.
Smoky, "  they went up against the Lubricators and outsmarted them and  to the
best of their knowledge- disassembled and destroyed the last of them, but they
were indeed wrong. The Lubricators would rise again with a vengeance and
would seek retribution against Elvis Mellon and his ship and especially Virgil.

 The information regarding their origins comes from    Virgil himself and was
obtained    from a captured Lubricator “assault unit” that he was able to extract
data from.  That particular incident was more recent and was part of the rebuilt
and   even more ornery wave of Lubricators as created and self replicated from
“First” , who was now referring to itself  as “Alpha” since it’s  discovery of the
Greek alphabet and Earth culture. Virgil surmised that  Hemroidicus Buurrnzz  
must have also programmed in his “short fuse”  and sensitivity into  First/Alpha
based on the fact that Elvis Mellon’s referral to  it ( First ) as “Alphie” and   his

often asking the Lubricators he encountered to ask their leader -“What’s it all
about Alphie?” would drive them all into a homicidal rage and  “Alpha”  ( First )  
itself  would contact Elvis over deep space to rant and rave all sorts of expletives
from hundreds of different galactic languages and robotic codes and he would
often blow some of his circuits over it. Elvis Mellon took great pleasure in
exploiting this major programming flaw and delighted in enraging the “Anally
retentive, raging robot” as he also referred to him as. Stay tuned for more
adventures and tales featuring the Lubricators!!

Elvis Mellon and his “crew” will be making a special Earth appearance ( this and
related timelines )   at  Caesars Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada with Don Rickles and
Charlie Callas , May 17th and at The Sands hotel and Casino with Charo and  
Steve and Edie Gourmet on the 20th and 21st.
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