NAKED VAMPIRE WOMEN OF PLANET DOOM

PART # 3

AN ELVIS MELLON ADVENTURE

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION

COPYRIGHT 2005

Thanks to the incredibly advanced technology powering the Visigoth’s engines, Elvis Mellon and his
crew arrived at their destination- The planet of Cesspoolus # 3 , in the Cannebulon system, in a  
mere  three   solar   hours-  after the Z.G.N broadcast of the attack on the remote , frontier world.
The sleek and deadly looking craft assumed high orbit around the red and green world, its shuttle
bay doors sliding open on its underside, releasing the smaller ship the “Viking.” The Viking dropped
like an arrow down through the planets atmosphere, an envelope of bright flames surrounding it as
it burned through the upper layers. From far down below on the outskirts of the colonies farthest
outpost town known as Tranquilis, a handful of humanoids and a large Anachrid  watched the flash
of light descend, accompanied by a large boom and the roar of engines, screaming like some winged
demon from Hell.

Elvis Mellon sat in the driver side bucket seat in the cockpit/cabin of the Viking with the Doc in the
seat next to him, both watching the outpost town on the edge of the vast desert getting larger by
the second as the ship plummeted to the surface at breakneck speed. The large gray cat on the
large mans lap   dug his claws in as the G- force’s rippled his  fur back and   he clenched his eyelids
shut as he asked. “Why do you always have to make an entrance? You could have just beamed
down or made a gradual descent!”  The Doc turned his head towards the pilot to see what he would
say in response. Elvis had his right hand on the half crescent “steering wheel” controls and held a
scotch glass
(of course) in his left. He placed the drink in a holder on the front “dash board” and
stroked the cat’s fur, glancing down at him as he did so. “Relax, Virgil is always monitoring my
flying in case I screw up!”  The disembodied voice of Virgil
( sounding like Rex Harrison )  boomed
from above their heads. “Relax my good cat; you didn’t really expect me to leave your safety and
that of the crew in the hands of  this lunatic, did you?” The cat opened his pale green eyes and sat
up purring as Elvis put both hands on the controls, muttering under his breath as he leveled the
ship off and gracefully descended horizontally in a cloud of dust, sand and coolant venting fumes.

Outside the rounded cockpit canopy of large rectangular “windows” , similar to the front of  an old
Earth World War # two B- 17 bomber, Elvis spotted his old friend Jeff Jetstoned and his massive
spider “Lauren” walking out to greet them with several other people in tow.  Elvis finished his
scotch and put the empty glass in its holder, scooping the cat up in both hands; he put him down on
the floor and climbed out of his seat. “Well, Doc lets see what’s cooking outside.”  The Doc tipped his
wide brimmed hat and stretched as he rose from his seat and looked out at the black smoke
billowing up from several burning buildings in the distance and then he smiled at Elvis.  “Nothing
like the smell of burning bodies to give me an appetite.”  Elvis grinned weakly at him and let the
Doc step through the cabin door behind the two cockpit seats first, and with the Doc’s back turned  
he looked down and met the cats gaze as he said. “You worry me sometimes Doc.” In the Viking’s
adjoining “conference room”, Galley, Lounge, the other crew members were also rising and getting
ready to depart. Colonel T.P Sommo had changed into a sharp, black and silver lined uniform with a
red cape and golden epilates. His chest full of metals was/were polished and some blinked and
glowed as gave his personal aid “Thirteen” the once over for inspection. The spindly little “Gray”
with the large head was dressed identical to him and stood rigidly at attention as the Colonel
examined the crease on his pants legs  and then his boots. “I want to be able to see my reflection in
that boot shine!” He said, gesturing

to the Gray’s black boots. They both looked up as Doctor Sax came through the cockpit door with
Elvis and Mr. Smoky. “I was just inspecting the boy here; we have to make a good impression on
the locals.” Elvis pulled a flask from his sport jackets inner lining and popped the top off , raising it  
in a toast “ We aint here to win any popularity polls, we are here to help our friend and  just maybe  
get a little positive publicity for a change and THAT’S it!! ” Grond had been snoring away on the
couch next to the Colonel and woke up to say. “Can we eat polarity polls?” The Colonel signaled
Thirteen to relax and he kicked Gronds huge hairy foot with his boot. “Get your lazy ass up you
dumb son of a bitch! AND NO, YOU can’t EAT popularity polls!! He wasn’t talking about
TADPOLES like the ones you like to put in your soup or root beer float!! Jesus H Christ son, grow
some brains!!”   The Doc shot the Colonel a stern look. “You aught to count your blessings that he is
so tolerant and even tempered or we would be peeling your remains off the ceiling for all your tough
love!”  The Colonel pivoted towards Doc Sax with a dramatic sweep of his cape as he pointed to
Grond. “I love this big ugly moron like my own son and he knows I say what I say out of affection
(turning back to Grond) RIGHT SON?” Grond sat up and stretched and gave the Colonel a big
toothy grin. “ME, know Colonel, Sir! Grond know you say those words with confection.” Thirteen
leaned close to his friend and whispered. “I think you mean affection.”  The Colonel rolled his eyes as

his shoulders sagged. “THAT’S because he’s always thinking about food, NOW GET OFF THE GOD
DAMMED COUCH AND LETS MOVE OUT!!!”  Elvis was about to say something as Grond
lumbered to his feet and stretched again, his mouth opened  in a tremendous yawn as a horrible
rumbling sound emanated from his hairy posterior that sounded like a “Flivver”
(  For our younger
readers  a "Flivver" is an ancient Earth combustion engine automobile  called a “Model T”  or  “Tin
Lizzy” –its engine and exhaust making a very distinct sound )
 A look of horror spread across Elvis’s
face as  he  suddenly  dove for the control panel next to the airlock/exit on the left/driver side of
the star ship, screaming “VIRGIL” and then slammed  into the wall as he managed to push the red
button in. The huge, rectangular hatch door slid open in the nick of time, ceiling exhaust fans
blowing the noxious fumes of Gronds flatulence out into the desert air of Cesspoolus # 3.  A
crumpled and shaken Elvis stooped to pick up his hat with a grunt as thirteen and Smoky dashed
down the extending ramp into the bright afternoon sun. The Doc and the Colonel exchanged looks
of relief as the Doc nudged Grond towards the open hatch. “THAT, was close, you have to learn how
to control that sphincter!”  Grond smiled sheepishly and looked rather embarrassed. “ME sorry Doc
and Colonel and Mr. Elvis,  me no mean to kill you guys with ass gas!”  Elvis Mellon straightened his
green tie with blue poka dots and winked at the green giant. “Don’t sweat it  my friend,
( gesturing
to the right of the hatch , towards the archway leading to the lounge room proper )
can you give
Hector and Sedgwick a shout and tell them to get their monkey ass’s out here and to turn off H.R
Puff N Stuff?!”  Grond turned his head and bellowed. “Hector, Sedgwick, Elvis say get monkey
asses out here and stop watching

H.R Puff N Stuff!!”  Some rather hostile screeching came from the other room    as the two chimps
emerged, both wearing blue shorts with suspenders as they  bared their teeth in threatening smiles
to their boss, Elvis.  The larger of the two chimps, Sedgwick held his arms up and shrugged. “Do you
see tails on us?! MONKEYS have TAILS, WE ARE NOT MONKEYS!!  We are Great apes!!” Then
both genetically enhanced Chimpanzee’s high fived each other and    affectionately slapped the big
mans knee’s as they  bolted down on the ramp on their arms and legs. Elvis bowed and gestured for
the Colonel and Doc to proceed down the ramp as he called out. “Virgil, Beer- Two please.” A panel
slid open Next to the back archway leading to the lounge and a three foot tall, silver, cylindrical
robot with a glittering silver and translucent dome and several varied appendages on its upper
"torso", glided out on a small chassis with tank treads.  A series of colored lights blinked in sequence
across the dome as it emitted a series of whistles and beeps. “Good to see you too , Beer-Two,
initiate Standard language protocol seven and respond in kind.”   A sound not unlike a P.A system
crackling to life came from a small speaker on the dome and then a rather “tinny” electronic
( at
first )
sounding male voice said ( with an initial “Herr Herrr” sounding laugh )  “Good to see you
Elvis.”   Elvis motioned for the bot to follow him down the ramp as Virgil materialized in holographic
form behind them, his voice
( in a familiar sounding British accent once again ) calling out “ Did you
program him to sound like Charles Nelson Reilly?”    

Cad Bomblinson stood next to his old friend Jeff Jetstoned as they watched the  hatch slide open
and the landing ramp extend on the rather battered and off white colored  starship - the size of a
Boeing 707 and vaguely resembling an atmospheric flying craft from Earth. The gigantic black,
hairy Anachrid
(Spider) on the other side of Jetstoned,  bristled and whined as he tugged on its
heavy duty chain. “Down girl, behave! Daddy will take you off the leash when you get familiar with
our guests and DON’T try and eat any of them this time!!” A shiny, dark green , round, camera bot
the size of a bowling ball hovered by  Cad Bomblinson's  head as a large gray house cat with a silver
collar and black rectangular glasses and a Zeta Reticullin  Gray

Dressed like  cross  between  Napoleon and  Liberace  on acid, with black Jack boots  and  dark,
reflective  , custom made, extra  large sunglasses that covered his enormous ,  almond shaped eyes,
strutted down the ramp towards them.  Bomblinson whispered to his friend. “Something about a
cat wearing glasses just disturbs me.”  Jetstoned nodded and held tight on the spider’s leash. “They
are  fake you know; He says they make him look smarter.”   The cat sniffed the air and looked
around at the panorama of the vast open desert with its exotic looking plant life and far off
mountains and the large plumes of black smoke rising from the spires of the futuristic looking
outpost town, fires burning and wreckage and bodies strewn about on the desert floor as the foot
hills that buffered the deserts edge from the equatorial forests loomed behind the outline of the
town. The man standing behind Jetstoned and Bomblinson was the town’s mayor and head of
security, Zandor Krutan, a rather short dumpy, man with a shiny bald head and a silver jumpsuit.
He nervously wiped sweat off his gleaming forehead with a red handkerchief as he kept an eye on
the monstrous  spider that was  pacing and tugging on its leash in front of him. He watched the
strange parade of Elvis Mellon's crew  exiting the ship as the gray colored feline walked up to
Jetstoned and proceeded to rub against his leg. “Greetings

Mr. Jetstoned, are you and your family o.k.? “The sedan sized Anachrid let out a low growl at the
sight of the cat rubbing against her master’s leg. Jeff Jetstoned gave the cat a nod and smiled a
little. “My wife and the boy are fine, I sent them off world  to  her parents for awhile, I am a bit
shaken but I will manage.  
( turning to his pet spider ) LAUREN, Stop growling, you remember
Smoky and Elvis Mellon and his crew?!  They are Daddy’s friends, NO EAT!”  The two chimps
along with Grond, Doc Sax and Colonel T.P Sommo were swaggering down the ramp to meet their
welcoming party as  Elvis and Beer –two followed right behind them . Hand shakes, greetings and
introductions were exchanged as everyone looked around at Jestoned’s ranch house and the town
behind it.  
Elvis Mellon bent slightly to shake hands with the mayor. “Mayor Krutan, a pleasure, I am sorry
we had to meet under these circumstances. Um can you tell me how many casualties you suffered?”
The short, pudgy man’s eyes glazed over and he withdrew his hand and wiped the sweat from it off  
with his hankercheif  as Elvis pulled out a bandana from his sport coat pocket and did the same. The
Mayor wrung his hands and looked towards the direction of the destruction and bodies. “I, I don’t
even know yet, it, it happened so quickly, they came from nowhere, they didn’t even show up on
our long range defense

Scanners! I don’t know if we lost dozens or hundreds or what.”  The Doc had already wandered off
towards the plumes of smoke and he was crouching down over a smoldering corpse. Smoky tapped
Elvis on his left sneaker with his paw and muttered under his breath. “I hope the Doc isn’t having
an early breakfast.” Jetstoned and the other two men heard that and looked nervously in the Doc’s
direction; The Mayor was perspiring heavily and looked spooked. “He, He’s NOT really a ghoul is
he?” Bomblinson nodded up to the hovering Camera bot that looked for the entire world like one of
those magic eight balls that Elvis had as a kid, the ones you asked a question to and the answer was
supposed to float up into the “eye.” The round,dark green  ball shifted towards the Doc as the
Colonel stepped close to the Mayor and grinned. “That’s one of them bullshit rumors the Draco
started because the Doc and I used to barbecue the Draco casualties and have us some Draco
burgers and steaks! Their a bit chewy and tough but dammed good eating, and besides, those sons
of bitchs started it! They used to eat humans and lots of other sentient species –RAW!! Some how
the rumor’s got around the galaxy that Doc was some kind of cannibal, why doesn’t anyone say that
about me?”

Elvis nodded quickly and patted the Colonel on the head. “Thank you for that riveting story,
(looking at the Mayor) the Doc is harmless unless you’re his  enemy. I have known him for years
and he’s been one of my closest friends and allies for years and he’s been an integral part my crew
for sometime now; he just has an odd sense of humor.” Jeff Jetstoned noticed that his rather
rambunctious  pet , “Lauren, ” was really agitated and whining and she was looking around with her
twelve  eyes as though she expected something or someone to show up. The big, burly man in the
brown checkered flannel shirt smoothed the  hair on the spiders leg that was nearest to him  and
looked over at Elvis. “Hey, Elvis, where’s your buddy Zik?, I think Lauren-here is expecting him to
show up!” Elvis put his hands on his hips and shook his head negatively. “Ahhh, he’s up in the
Visigoth sulking like a big baby!
(Gesturing to Lauren) she really broke his heart when she tried to
kill him and eat him and then when
(whispering as though afraid she might hear) their love spawn
turned out to be hybrid monsters, well….he didn’t take it too well. Doc
(turning his head to the Doc
and then back to Jetstoned and his companions)
was kind enough to give them a home in the
menagerie aboard his ship.” Grond chimed in. ”YEAH, ME and Doc take good care Zik’s babies!
They cute as kittens!!”  Smoky burst out laughing. “Yes, if the kittens were mutated by atomic
radiation into horrible, blood thirsty, 12 legged, 25 eyed monsters with razor sharp fangs and
mandibles that could chew through titanium!!!

Mayor Krutan was nervously looking from Lauren to the cat and then towards the Doc, who was
joined by the two chimps as they inspected the carnage and dead bodies. Jetstoned looked haggard
and tired as he petted Lauren and let her off her leash.  “So anyway, those Vampire women or what
ever they are really caused some damage and they must have killed half the town! Thanks be to
the Great magnet that Virgil gave me that shield technology for my house.”  Bomblinson and his
camera bot were wandering off to follow the Doc and the chimps around as Virgil appeared again,
this time looking like the late British actor , Peter Cushing, best known to international Earth
audiences for his role as Grand Moff Tarkin in “Star Wars” but   also the star of many  British made
“Hammer” horror  movies in the 1960’s and 70’s , playing everyone from Doctor Frankenstein  to  
Van Helsing the Vampire killer , among other equally wonderful roles.   
It was as Van Helsing that Virgil
( as Peter Cushing ) appropriately appeared  and his sudden
appearance in Earth , European, 18th century style garb with a black cloak and wide brimmed hat ,
made Mayor Krutan nearly jump out of skin. Elvis put his arm around the shaking man to calm
him. “Relax, Mr. Mayor, THIS is my good friend Virgil, one of the Cybernetic children of the
ascendant that I am sure you have heard about, and the Visigoths brains and central nervous
system! Don’t mind his appearance, he just likes to play dress up.” Virgil bowed before the Mayor
and gave him a bemused smile. "Mr. Mayor,  No one  had died here or been injured, You have all
been hoodwinked!"        TO BE CONTINUED......  
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