ELVIS MELLON VS THE NAKED VAMPIRE WOMEN OF PLANET DOOM

PART # 4  

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION

COPYRIGHT 2005  


As the hot,  mid afternoon wind blew in off the great rust desert of Cesspoolus # 3,   
Zandor Krutan,  the mayor of Tranquilis # 1 , the most remote town of the growing
colony and first settlement established back   some three generations ago, stared
incredulously at   Virgil and his companion Elvis Mellon. “YOU’RE INSANE!!  Look
around you (swinging his arms wide in a half circle around him) YOU call those bodies
and that wreckage fake??!!!  YOU SAY NO ONE DIED HERE???!!”  Virgil/Peter
Cushing kept his bemused smile and nodded benevolently, like a kindly old grand
father speaking to his grand son. “YES, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.”
The Doc and his chimp friends had come over to where Elvis and the rest of them were
standing and  Cad Bomblinson came scurrying up behind them,  motioning with a
wave of his hands for the hovering “eight ball”  of a holo- camera-   “bot”  to fly ahead
and cover this conversation. Jeff Jetstoned looked visibly shocked and angry as he
whistled for his gigantic pet spider to stop running loose out in the desert and to heel,
he simply stared at Virgil in shocked disbelief.  Virgil snapped his fingers and the
bodies and a good deal of the wreckage and black plumes of smoke disappeared.
Everyone including Elvis Mellon and the Colonel  also looked shocked but Doctor Sax
looked like the proverbial "cat that

swallowed the canary" , while  the actual " cat" ( wearing glasses ) sitting  next to the
Doc's  heavy black boots was looking up at him   with a puzzled look on his  face.
Virgil caught the Doc’s expression and turned to face him. “Doc, why don’t you
explain to everyone what’s really going on since you seem to have guessed as much.”  
Elvis and the others all looked to the Doc for an answer as Lauren,  the monstrous
spider came galloping up to her master- Jeff Jetstoned,   like an over excited puppy
dog. He slipped her heavy chained leash onto her and pulled her close to him as he
waited for the Doc to talk.  Doctor Sax pointed up at the green tinged sky as the two
huge, light blue moons slowly rose off in the distance. “They left a satellite  in orbit
that was projecting a sophisticated holographic program that tricked everyone’s
senses and

Played on their fear responses,  including auditory and olfactory sensory illusions,
very sophisticated technology indeed though sub standard to any thing ascendant. I
noticed the cloaked satellite in orbit when we were entering the planets atmosphere
and its shields and cloak   shimmered during its energy conserving cycle. This is not
the first time I have seen this either.”  (Looking to Elvis Mellon)  You may recall an
interstellar pirate by the name of Smoothie O ‘Felon and  I believe (gesturing to Elvis )  
our esteemed colleague, Elvis, here –was a member of his crew for a while back when
we first met.” (Elvis nodded and his eyes lit up like he had just figured out the punch
line to an old joke)
“Smoothie had used those or similar  satellites to plunder some of the outer rim
worlds and rumor had it  that he swiped some technology from the Lubricators  and
even reprogrammed some of them to work for him AND  THIS stinks of that same
scenario.”  Elvis scratched his beard and looked down at the big gray cat near the
Docs feet. “THAT was after my time with Smoothie but it wouldn’t hurt to pay our old
friend a visit,  that is if we can track him down. Why didn’t you say anything when
you first spotted the satellite,  Doc?”     

Virgil held up his hand and grinned at Elvis and then he beamed at the Doc. “I told
him to keep his mouth shut until I was certain and I needed to do a thorough scan of
the interloping satellite to be sure.”  (Virgil turned to face the Mayor and Jetstoned. )  
“You will find that all those citizens you thought dead or dying were simply part of the
program and the real people  are asleep in their homes and victims of a sleep
inducing gas that some of you were given the antidote to so there would be early
witness’s to the alleged destruction and attack. You are dealing with some group of  
thieves ,   con artist’s and swindlers that at least have the decency NOT to  kill or
severely injured anyone but give the illusion of being horrifyingly frightening
monsters and attackers.”  Mayor Krutan pointed off towards the one set of  building
that were  genuinely burning and damaged.” Well they got our storage warehouse's  
and factories for processing our ores and metals from the mining operation and the

Stillethainium deposits for processing fuel, they can sell that to the Draco  or  the
slime or any non aligned worlds and make a fortune, PLUS fuel their ships for a long
time.”  Elvis Mellon suddenly looked pained and turned to Jetstoned. “Hey, what
about your collection of old aviation craft and priceless beer steins??!! ” (Grabbing
Jetstoned by his shirt as the spider growled and pulled on her chain)  “Did you check
your collection of distilled spirits and beers from around the known galaxies???!!!”  
Jetstoned pulled Elvis’s hands off of him and grabbed the big mans shoulders. “GET A
HOLD OF YOURSELF!! They didn’t get through my shields! The booze is safe!”  Smoky
cleared his throat and looked up at the two large men. “Then how did they administer
the antidote for the sleeping drug gas agent?”  Jetstoned seemed to go pale and he
looked in horror from his ranch and then to Elvis. He suddenly broke into a run and
Elvis Mellon and the rest of the group ran behind him and the huge spider.

Jetstoned ran towards the side building next to his sprawling ranch and out
buildings, aiming what looked like a small remote at the front building as a
shimmering dome appeared and then disappeared. He clicked another button and the
large bay door slid open and he ran inside, still holding the spiders leash as she
scrambled to keep up with him. Elvis, his landing party and the other two men (with
Beer-Two gliding behind everyone) hadn’t cleared the entrance when they heard a
stifled scream from inside. The blood drained from Elvis’s face as he held onto his hat
and ran into the storage building.
Jetstoned was on his knee’s in front of a long “bar” that reminded everyone of the
Visigoths lounge or “Big Daddy long legs”  but smaller and more “rustic” like some
1940’s “Gin Mill”  you would find in 1960’s Wisconsin with parts of it  looking more
like a quaint pub you would find tucked away in an English village or Scottish glen.
beyond the bar were several antique atmospheric  flying craft from Earth, of World war
# two vintage and older.    Elvis immediately looked behind the bar and several feet
above on the back wall where an empty glass display case had its glass doors open
and its contents removed. Virgil snapped his fingers and everything shimmered
momentarily and very old looking

bottles and several crystal decanters appeared solidly. Jetstoned was sobbing and
Elvis looked like he had just been shot. The cat jumped up onto the bar and then into
the cabinet and his nose passed through the bottles, they were only holograms. Virgil
snapped his fingers. “Satellite off.” Elvis stared in horror as Bomblinson helped
Jetstoned to his feet. The Colonel was behind the bar looking at the cat sitting in an
empty display case. “You guys mind telling me why the two of you are so god dammed
upset and acting like a couple of Five  year olds that just found out Barney  was
cancelled?”
Elvis had tears streaking down his cheeks and into his reddish gray beard as he
removed his aviator glasses and stared glassy eyed at the Colonel. “Don’t you
remember that Jeff collects old scotches and whiskeys among other things? AS IN ,
PRICELESS AND  RARE  spirits?” The Colonel’s jaw dropped as he clutched the bar
for support. “You mean they stole the four hundred year old-  “Old Sheep  Shagger”
single malt scotch???!!”  Jetstoned stood leaning on Bomblinson and staring listlessly
down at his work boots. “AND the three hundred and ninety seven year old “Pogue
Mahone me Bonnie lass”- Whiskey, among other things.”  Smoky jumped back onto
the bar and looked at Elvis through his  foggy, dust and sand laden eye glasses. “Cant
Virgil just duplicate it all to a T and simply replace Jeff's collection?”  Elvis covered his
eyes and rubbed them and then hung his head. “YES, BUT it’s the principle of the
thing!” (Looking at the small, dusty silver robot that was just now rolling into the bar
area. ) “Beer -Two , a round of your oldest single malt scotch  for everyone  ,
preferably  “Old Sheep Shagger” if you have any in stock.”  

Mayor Krutan was turning a deeper shade of red and perspiring profusely as he
watched the small cylindrical robot produce a spout from directly below its
translucent and silver dome with a round metal tray   of ten large scotch glasses
sliding out from below the spout, each glass containing two ice cubes (Elvis liked his
ice and the others could always take theirs out….) and  then the spout poured an
amber liquid into  each glass as the tray slowly spun around and the glasses were
filled almost to the brim and the entire tray slid out and up on some kind of
mechanical arm.   The Mayor just mopped his forehead with his bandanna and took a
glass, turning to look at Elvis he asked in an exasperated voice. “BUT what are you
going to do about these Naked Vampire women??!! They took off with most of our

colonies natural resources and cherished heirlooms and you guys are having fits over
some god dammed old booze??!!  Jeff Jetstoned glared at his friend and the Mayor of
his settlement in shock and horror, glancing at Bomblinson who  was concentrating
on giving his camera bot facial cue's and subtle  hand gestures to direct its recording
of these bizarre events for later broadcast. "Mr. Mayor!! Those bottles of scotch are
worth  more then the sum total of every  thing this colony is collectively worth,
LITERALLY!! ( turning to Elvis ) "I am coming with you , IF you dont mind, AND lets
get those bitches!!!"  No one had noticed that the Doc had walked away , outside
somewhere  and he now came in dragging some kind of strange looking  half
humanoid,  half "Bat" type creature, dead as a  proverbial door nail from the looks of
it. Lauren was exciting pulling her master towards the weird looking corpse with a
Bats large head and wings and a man's torso, arms and legs from the neck down. The
Doc grinned."Looky what I found !! Looks like someone got off a few shots at your
attackers!"   -  TO  BE CONTINUED
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