ELVIS MELLON VS THE NAKED VAMPIRE WOMEN OF PLANET DOOM  

PART # 5

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION  

COPYRIGHT 2005

Zik was still   aboard the Visigoth in high orbit  above  Cesspoolus # 3, reclining in the ships
seldom used bridge. Zik was one of the few crew members other then the cat and Elvis that
actually spent any time on the bridge at all, but then Elvis mainly went there because  of its
close location to the ships lounge and that  it wasn’t far for him to stagger and to go  sleep off a
drunk in peace and quiet. Smoky actually used the bridges sophisticated array of
communications devices and long range  sensor technology to aide in his own work,  Elvis would
often ask exactly what that work was but the cat would just tell  him it was a secret. Zik now sat
in  his  Captains chair, especially designed for his huge girth and multiple appendages,  and as
honorary Captain of the Visigoth,  he often came there to think (and brood .)  With a God like
super intelligence like Virgil running the ship (and actually   in essence-Virgil WAS the ship)  a
Captain wasn’t really necessary,   but since Elvis had made Zik the captain of their first ship, the
old Freighter, “The Delapidator” back  in the early days when they had first  met, it seemed
only appropriate to Elvis that he bestow the honor on his friend again. What Zik didn’t realize is
that Elvis and his then manager and agent, Vinnie Finkelstein-  had let Zik become captain
because they didn’t want the responsibilities and headaches that go with the job.

Zik now sat there monitoring events down on the planet below and watching Elvis and the crew,
with the journalist and colonist’s , gathered around the body that the Doc had dragged in,  in
Jestoned’s bar and storage facility, on the large , oval view screen  in front of him.  He leaned
forward with a strange sense of de ja vu when he saw the features of the bizarre looking
humanoid with its large leathery Bat wings and furry, fanged, large eared Bats head.  Several of
Zik’s eyes rotated up to the bridges ceiling where several of Virgil’s sensory monitors were
installed. “Virgil, are you seeing this?”  Zik heard Virgil’s
Reply both from the speakers in the ceiling and from his holographic form on the view screen
image of him down on Cesspoolus # 3. It was always rather unnerving that Virgil could be at
many places at once, a crossed vast distances and in many different forms or lack there of.  
“Yes, I am already running dna comparisons between this hybrid creature and the Kaytall.”   
Down on the planets surface, in the storage unit in question, Elvis Mellon looked up from the
dead body when he heard Virgil addressing Zik, up on the ship . “Is he still sulking or is he
making himself useful up there?” A voice came from both Elvis’s multipurpose and multi
featured watch as well as from Virgil’s holographic image that was clearly Zik’s distinctively
whiney voice. “I HEARD THAT!! I am on the bridge, Mr. Smarty pants, keeping an eye on
things and several Confederation warships have just entered the system and are hailing us.”

The Mayor and Jetstoned both looked visibly relieved and Cad Bomblinson straightened out his
tie and smoothed back his hair , clearing  his throat. “This is roving reporter and mobile  galactic  
correspondent, Cad Bomblinson for ZGN  , I am here with legendary media celebrity and ex
outlaw Elvis Mellon , best known for his role as Pirate radio station dj  at  the infamous Non
station K.L.S.D and for his many  exploits and adventures around this and other galaxy’s as well
as space and time and…..”  Elvis held up his hand and jerked his head as he made eye contact
with Virgil, Virgil in turn pointed at the hovering camera bot and blinked his eyes and the bot
fell to the ground. Elvis bent down and picked up the bowling ball sized object and handed it to
Bomblinson. “Cut the crap, I will give you an exclusive later but right now we don’t need the
rest of the galaxy knowing what we know about these Vampire women and these hybrid

humanoid bats. My outlaw status might be revoked and things are all peachy now with me and
the Confederation  high council but   they are still a bunch of pompous pricks and  politicians
and  I have had enough dealings with their military and especially those assholes in the galactic
naval  fleet’s and that conceited jerk off, Ashtar ,   to know that if we don’t get that corpse
aboard and lock down  this place for Jeff here and  then get the hell out of here and  on the tail  
of those Vampiric vixens , then  their trail will be cold by the time we get done being interviewed
and re-interviewed and caught up in  the Confederations  bureaucratic bullshit and red tape!!  
AND with you doing your long winded intro and recording all of this, we would never get out of
here and our beautiful baddies would know we are on to them!!”  While everyone was looking at
the dead creature, Jeff Jetstoned was busy cataloging and inventorying what had been stolen.
He could be heard cursing from over in the gloom of the storage area. “God dammit, they took  
my  beer stein collection  and  those Brandy snifters from  Winston Churchill too!!”  

Elvis nearly spilled his scotch on that one and ran over to join Jetstoned by several empty crates
and cabinets. “I went to a lot of trouble getting those snifters from Churchill!!”
The cat had followed him over and interjected. “No you didn’t! You just drunkenly jumped back
in time when Churchill was not in his office and swiped them!” The Colonel heard this
conversation and shouted over to them. “Just go back and steal them again, what’s the big
deal?”  Thirteen threw in his two cents. “Just don’t run into yourself stealing them the first
time.”  Elvis looked like he was having a migraine and downed his scotch and rubbed his
forehead. “Did they get Hitler’s beer stein?”   Jeff looked puzzled and shined his pen light in
Elvis’s face. “You didn’t give me any beer stein from Hitler!?”   Elvis pushed the pen light away
from his face and blinked. “Oh, that’s right, I didn’t steal it yet…..technically…….WELL  anyway,
pack a bag  and  finish up and lets get the hell out of here!”  (Turning his head to Virgil)  Virgil,
when he’s done , PLEASE  beam us to the Viking and then beam Viking up to Visigoth and beam
our friend here’s ZGN   Shuttle   up into the docking bay as well.

Everyone stood around finishing their scotch’s as the Doc and Colonel T.P Sommo bent over the
grizzly looking corpse with the lazer burns and holes in its chest. The Colonel flicked his cigarette
butt on it. “That sure looks like one of those Kaytall, those weirdo alien bats that Elvis and Virgil
saved way back when.”  The Doc picked the cigarette butt off the body and flicked at the
Colonel. “Everything is “ALIEN” with you!  You forget that YOU are not currently on that half
ass backwards planet you and Elvis call home and on this world and the rest of the universe,
YOU are the friggin alien!” The Colonel looked at his protégé,  Thirteen and then to Grond and
the enormous, hairy spider on a leash that Jetstoned was holding,  and then he slowly stood up
straight. “ Wow,

Doc, that’s the most I have heard you god dammed say in one sentence in the god dammed
several or more decades that I have known you!! Now we never DID really find out where in the
F@#$ing  galaxy  or universe or what  God forsaken,   God dammed planet you actually come
from , though some people seem to think you are  an earthling like Elvis and me, but I don’t
really give  an ALIEN BAT’S ASS , where  in  Hell’s creation you God dammed came from!!!!!!  
All I know is to ME - YOUR ALL A BUNCH OF GOD DAMMED, WEIRDO ALIENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
A BUNCH OF FRIGGIN MARTIANS AND LITTLE GREEN GOD DAMMED MEN AND  SPACE
MONSTERS RIGHT OUT OF A  LOST IN GOD DAMMED SPACE EPISODE !!!!”  Elvis stepped
in between them and met the Doc’s steely glance with a grin. “You LOVE pushing his buttons
don’t you? (Shifting to look at the Colonel)  AND YOU, take some PROZAK or something,
JEEEEEEZE LOIUEEEEEZZZZZ!! No wonder the whole galaxy thinks Earth should be nuked
lifeless and turned into a garbage dump!!”   

Elvis stepped over by the Mayor and shook his hand and tipped his hat. “Mr. Mayor, Sorry for
that, the Colonel here is just rather upset and feels horrible for your loss, on behalf of all of us ,
please accept our condolences and I assure you that the Confederation will take good care of you
and I’m sure that the emergency rescue teams that took those first causalities off world got
their shuttles safely to your neighbors in the Eliconn system. O.k. ,   I promise we will find the
villains that did this to your colony and get all of  your stolen goods back, and please dont say a
word to the Conderation envoy's about what we discovered about the Vampire women, we dont
want them blabbing it all over. ” The Mayor bowed low and nodded. “Thank you for  coming
and…well…for finding the truth out. (Turning to Jetstoned) We will look after your property and
I am sure   that Virgil here will get your shield properly working before you all leave.”  Grond
surprised everyone by being the one to suddenly blurt out. “How come

Virgil’s “C’endent”   super technology   suddenly work like crap?”  All eyes turned to Virgil and
Virgil ( as Peter Cushing )    grinned rather  sheepishly  at Elvis   “Well, you see….I really didn’t
want to be giving out our technology  to  anybody and everybody  that  you  drank with or
suddenly made an honorary crew member and I figured that Jeff would be fine with  the latest  
in  top secret Plaedian/Confederation  security and since it isn’t available to the general
population  or even  in use yet with their military I figured  that he would never know the
difference….SORRY Jeff.”  Elvis looked wide eyed over his aviators at Virgil. “YOU, LIED??  
Mr.  Omnipotent, Super computer being??? Obviously
the Vampire women have some Lubricator technology and we know that they have been able to
trump anything the Confederation throws at them!  Can you JUST give him some Ascendant
shields so the replacement stock your about to duplicate for him doesn’t get stolen again?”   
Virgil shrugged and nodded affirmatively. “Done.”  The Colonel leaned over close to Thirteen
and saluted him. “Sorry, son about the little green men and alien crap, I didn’t mean that, you’re
a good kid, I am proud to serve with you! At least you got two arms and two legs and two eyes,  
NOT like that Freaking alien monster, God dammed spider  up there with all those legs and
eyes, NOW HE’S A GOD DAMMED ALIEN!!” A voice came from the Colonels watch. “I HEARD
THAT!!!”  The Colonel grinned at his attaché. “I knew you were listening in you nosy son of a
bitch!! That’s WHY I said it!!”

Elvis  looked over side ways at the Colonel. "Now who's pushing WHOSE'S buttons?" He gave
the  thumbs up sign  to Virgil and said to the Mayor. “On THAT Note.”  And everyone except
the mayor disappeared in a flash of light, including Lauren and several crates marked “XXX”
that the Naked Vampires hadn’t taken.
At the very moment that  the Viking and Bomblinson’s shuttle  were beamed into the Visigoths
docking bay, the great ship powered up its engines and left orbit. After the two humanoid guests
and the Plaedian Black Wraith spider known as Lauren   were shown their quarters (Lauren
would of course sleep at her masters feet in his quarters) below decks and given a quick tour by
Mr. Smoky for old time sake, they gathered in the lounge just as the three Galactic
Confederation Cygnus class, light cruisers were making orbit around the planet.

Virgil had returned the lead ship’s hails as per Elvis’s instructions with a brief description ( all
bullshit of course )  of the Visigoth’s finding on the surface and  how Virgil used his advanced
Ascendant technology to  repair and clean up everything and heal the wounded and tend to the
dead and now they were departing under the request of the high Council itself to  deal with a
new emergency. Elvis simply couldn’t be bothered to deal with them lest it cut into his leisure
time on the way to seek out his old friend and possible lead, Pirate Captain Smoothie O’ Felon.
Everyone was sitting at the bar including Thor, the large genetically enhanced German Shepard,
that seldom came out on missions but preferred to stay aboard ship and often worked closely
with Virgil. There was another genetically enhanced Red Setter, appropriately called “Red,” that
was seldom seen as she preferred to roam the ships engines room and engineering sections as
that was her forte.
Lauren growled a low guttural growl as she saw the German Shepard walk into the lounge from
the lift. Jeff Jetstoned pulled her leash tight and wrapped it around the metal pole foot rest on
the bar. “Lauren, NO GROWL, that’s just Thor, he’s NOT food!” Elvis had changed ties and
sport coats, though they looked identical to what he had on before. He raised a glass to the dog.
“Hey, long time no see, AND where’s ZIK??”  The large Shepard waged its tail and barked and
then said in a rather husky voice. “He will only come up if Jeff promises that Lauren won’t try
and mate with him or harass him.” Elvis was about to make a retort when Virgil held his hand to
his ear and looked off in the distance as though receiving a transmission. “Elvis, you made an
inquiry earlier about your old friend , Smoothie O ‘Felon ,  the interstellar Pirate and his
possibly having some information  on our mysterious Vampire women”  The Colonel stood up
and interrupted.  “You mean NAKED Vampire women, Virg.”   Virgil rolled his eyes and shook
his head as if  humoring a moron. “ANYWAY, I have been monitoring galactic chatter on all the
frequencies and channels and I believe I have located Mr. O’ Felon’s ship, “The Inebriator” out
in the wasteland territories of the Perseus arm.”    Elvis straightened up and saluted Virgil. “Set
a course for the Perseus arm, Mr. Virgil and  lets haul ass!”  TO BE CONTINUED...
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