ELVIS MELLON VS THE NAKED VAMPIRE WOMEN OF PLANET DOOM

PART # 7

COPYRIGHT 2005

A QUINN MARTIAN PRODUCTION

The mighty and elegantly designed star ship
,Visigoth ,   silently glided through the
vacuum of space, towards its destination of the wastelands, a mostly uninhabited expanse
in the Perseus arm. There were not many planets there, let alone habitable planets, and
the area was strewn with far scattered asteroids, comet’s and space debris, the perfect
place for galactic outlaws and pirates to hide out. Several of the larger planetoids and big
asteroids had been hollowed out and terra formed and  had pressure domes built on their
surfaces to accommodate pirates and outlaws living quarters and treasury’s , ship yards for
repairing and maintaining their star craft, etc. Captain smoothie O Felon and his star ship
“The Inebriator” were on their way back to their hidden base of operations when they were
hit by a marauding vessel.

The Visigoth was cloaked and shielded to maximum capacity as it entered the area where
Virgil’s sensors had discovered the wreckage of the Pirate Captains ship. Elvis sat next to
Zik on the seldom used bridge of Visigoth, nursing his scotch and nervously tapping his
fingers on the command couch and drawing hard on his cigarette. They were watching the
huge, oval display screen and series of smaller holographic screens below it. Virgil stood in
his holographic form, still as Peter Cushing/Van Helsing, arms folded and “his” hawk like
visage intently monitoring incoming data. Several of Zik’s long appendages worked a series
of touch pads and switches as he helped Virgil monitor incoming data.


His Ascendant technology  “watch” worn  near his “knee joint”  on  his front innermost leg  
was linked into Virgil’s vast cybernetic, holographic conscious and  allowed Virgil and the
huge Anachrid  to communicate and share information instantaneously, all of the crew
had this feature built into their watches but Elvis often turned his off as to not hear Virgil
chastising  him for his behavior, so Virgil  took to appearing in holographic form and
simply saying it out loud.   They saw large, jagged pieces of Inebriator’s wreckage , with its
Draco Skull, “Death’s head”  bow figure head , spinning like a top  as it drifted on solar
winds from the  nearest distant star.

Virgil turned to Elvis, his “eyes” still looking towards the screen and left hand to his ear as
though listening to something. “I have detected life pods off to port side; I am beaming
them into the third level docking bay. Elvis Mellon got up and absently put his cigarette
out on Zik’s impervious, crystalline third left front leg. “Hey!! I am NOT AN ASHTRAY!!”
Elvis came out of his brief moment of “recollection” (or stupor) and sheepishly grinned and
dusted off the spider’s leg. Virgil had already “cleaned” up the butt and its ashes. The large
man hiked up his pants and readjusted his fedora. “Common, lets grab the crew and greet
our guests below.”  

Moments later with the available crew members, including all the usual suspects and
misfits, even the seldom seen dogs, Red and Thor and maintenance bots and Beer Two,
with his upgraded programming and sentience, that made him want to be involved more in
the action and comradery, all lined up in the roomy docking bay, with its fleet of shuttle’s
and fighter craft. (The Viking and the long range explorer craft “Vandal” were housed below
on deck # two) The barrel shaped , dark green life pods from the Inebriator , the size of U.P.
S trucks, sat  in the center of the well lit

,white plasteeled  walled bay with Elvis and Zik standing in front of the rest of their  crew
like a waiting honor guard. The Doc and Grond silently stood next to the fidgeting Colonel,
frantically smoothing his perfect hair and adjusting his red and silver cape, giving new
meaning to the word “Metrosexual.” Jeff Jetstoned, firmly holding the heavy duty leash
made of anchor chain and keeping his huge spider near to him, stood with Cad
Bomblinson and his hovering camera bot, off to the side. Suddenly Virgil appeared out of
thin air
Next to Zik and a holographic marching band appeared and started playing the theme
song from the opening credits from the original 1967 version of Casino Royal, originally
written by Burt Bacharach and performed by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Thirteen
stood with the Chimps and Smoky (who was sitting) and whispered. “Of all the songs to
play why did Virgil choose this one? Don’t get me wrong, I love it but is it appropriate?”  
The cat cocked his left ear and stared at the large headed Gray, with his demonic looking
feline eyes magnified by the thick lens of his glasses. “Elvis loves this song and he
requested it,


And don’t let him hear you questioning why, you remember what happened last time?”
Thirteen shuddered at the unpleasant memory of having to clean Gronds toilet for a week.
“Enough said.” The three green life pods hatches all slid open with a swish of escaping air
and Elvis stood at attention clicking the heels of his blue converse basketball sneakers
together as the Colonel barked “Tennnnn  Huuuut!!”  a rather disheveled but handsome
human male, in   fashionable pirate garb, long brown hair and well trimmed beard, came
walking out, grinning at Elvis, followed by members of his surviving crew, a mix of
humanoids, renegade Draco, Grays, a few Super Mutant Cockroaches, various galactic
races and robots streaming from all three pods, about thirty seven living crew men and
women and five robots, two being Lubricators. “Request permission to come aboard, you
old drunk?”  

Elvis belched loudly and nodded “Permission granted, asshole.” And both men laughed
warmly and hugged.  The crew of the Inebriator was a true melting pot of the dregs of the
galaxy but Virgil knew that they were loyal to their Captain and that  their Captain was an
old friend of Elvis and they didn’t have to know he had stun beams on stand by for any
reckless behavior on their part. Some of the pirate crew obviously knew Doc Sax, Grond
and the Colonel and they all cheered and made cat calls as a gnarled looking Draco with
one cybernetic eye, glowing red, and a cybernetic, metal claw on his left arm, grinned like
an old Crocodile at the Doc and they shook hands, the Doc careful to shake his right claw.

As the crews intermingled and Beer two dispensed drinks while chatting up one of the
“friendly” Lubricators, Elvis and Captain Smoothie moved off away from the boisterous
gathering. “How many crew members did you lose?” The shorter man, looking every bit like
an aging but still handsome Jim Morrison,(  had Mr. Morrison lived to be in his forties.)  
He looked misty eyes and grimly shook his head. “Eight including Jonesy and Ball
Breaker.” Elvis put a hand on the mans shoulder to comfort him. “Ahhh, shit!!  Jonesy??”
The Captain nodded, taking a drink of rum from his brass Tankard. “Sucked out of the
hole they blew  through the hull  into  the latrines while he was on the crapper.”   Elvis
leaned against the side of the car sized, red, arrow shaped fighter behind him. “Well at
least he went out doing something he loved. Did you get a look at who did this?”  

Smoothie locked eyes with the big man and shook his head negatively while finishing his
rum. “Never saw what hit us, came out of nowhere cloaked and we never had a chance! We
had the highest level of  advanced  Plaedian, Lyran, Sirian  sensors, shields weaponry, the
finest technology  the Confederation had to offer save for your friend’s  ( motioning to Virgil
) Ascendant technology!”  Elvis looked tired and shrugged his shoulders. “Well, I am glad
you survived and its good to see you buddy, you and your crew are welcomed on this ship
and we can give you a ride back to your base and Virgil can even  put your ship back
together and  replicate any

parts.” The pirate Captains eyes widened and a smile spread across his face as he looked
towards the holographic being that was talking with a super mutant cockroach. “He can
really do that???” Elvis put his arm around his old friend as they walked back to join the
crowd of men, women, and various galactic beings all chattering and laughing and
drinking as the marching band morphed into Sergio Mendez and Brazil 66 playing a
Samba.” He can do it in a matter of minutes, but we will talk about that later, we have to
find out if this is connected to why I was coming to find you and ask you about, the Naked
Vampire women of Planet Doom.”

The room went silent  with all eyes on   Elvis (every kind of eye imaginable, including
multifaceted compound Cockroach eyes, All of Zik’s, robotic Len’s, cybernetic implants,
reptilian, Glandarian,etc )  and you could hear a  pin drop and  Grond trying to  sneak  a
fart out , which  he did, and nearly brought one of the toughest, meanest galactic pirate
crews that had ever sailed the solar winds of space to  their collective knee’s. Doc Sax took
off his wide brimmed hat and hit the hairy, green giant with it and then tried to fan some
of the lingering gas away as the arboreal humanoid grinned embarrassedly. “Grond!!!  Elvis
was trying to say something.” The Super Mutant cockroach that Virgil was conversing

With, by the name of “Zarnnnnnnnnnxxxxx”  (which translates in galactic standard and
English as “Harry” )   turned his insectoid head towards Grond and the Doc. “I rather liked
the fragrance.”  The other cockroaches gave a resounding “Yes” and nodded heartily as
Captain Smoothie swaggered front and center of the mingled crews and held up his
tankard of rum. “EXCUSE ME, ASSHOLES, Elvis and I are trying to have a conversation!”  
(Turning to Elvis) “You were saying something about Naked Vampires?  I have been
hearing about them on the Holo news, you think they had something to do with our
attack?!” Elvis looked around at the crowd that was going back to a quiet roar, as the
samba music continued at a lower decibel.” Well, it couldn’t have been them that actually
attacked and wrecked your ship unless they have a fleet, because they were attacking
Cesspoolus three about the same time you got hit by who ever, but maybe they hired them
to take you out, kind of funny how you suddenly get hit so close to your home base when I
had planned on coming to see you.”

Smoothie let Beer Two, who was making the rounds, fill his tankard up again as he asked.
“You think you have a mole on your ship, in your crew? How would someone know to come
and shut me up to keep me from talking with you?” Elvis held his scotch glass under the
scotch spigot   that slid out of Beer Two’s silver dome and also took a can of Pabst beer that
slid out next to it. “Thanks,  Beer Two,  ( turning to his pirate friend )  “No, but I think  
these  Vampire women are led by someone that knows you and I personally  and suspects
that  I would or will soon be on   their trail and doesn’t want me pumping you for
information since you are so well connected in this and many  Galaxy’s “underworlds” and
syndicates and more nefarious organizations, no offense.”  Smoothie scratched his gray
flecked brown beard and grinned, showing several gold teeth. “None taken, coming from
you that’s a

Compliment. You think it might be a former member of my crew or someone we both
knew?”  Elvis nodded and his eyes narrowed to slits behind his aviator glasses which he  
then put up on the front of his fedora. “Bingo! Who comes to mind?”   Smoothie looked
hard at the big man with a furrowed brow and  then his eyes widened again. “You think its
Drusilla??!!”  Elvis sipped his scotch and  chased it with the beer, as Zik scuttled over to
the two old friends. “It makes sense considering that they are NOT real Vampires and they
are using Lubricator and other stolen or PIRATED technologies to perpetrate a huge hoax
and conning and robbing their way across the galaxy under the guise of being

Terrifying monsters and using fear,  panic and havoc to cover their robberies, Dru learned
from the best and certainly has an axe to grind with both of us.” Smoothie was listening
intently and despite his fierce pirate reputation, he was experiencing some trepidation at
the approach of the huge translucent spider, having only met him once years ago and
knowing what they were capable of doing when they were pissed off.    Zik came walking
up and stood by the two men and his “knee joints” were nearly as tall as Captain
Smoothie. Elvis rested his beer and his scotch on the spider’s lower abdomen and lit a
smoke, making introductions. “Zik, you may recall briefly meeting my old friend and
former Captain, Smoothie O Felon, back during the incident that preceded our adventure
on “Ice station

Sommo,” during Rex- the Draco Emperor’s campaign they called “the battle for Rex’s
balls.” Smoothie, this is one of my best friends and the honorary captain of the Visigoth
and senior member of my crew and also my guitarist and band mate, Zik, you met him
briefly.”  Several of Zik’s eyes rotated towards Smoothie as Zik brought his massive head
level with Smoothies eyes. “Captain Smoothie, I recall our brief meeting and it’s a pleasure
to see you indeed, may I ask how you got the name Smoothie?”  Smoothie bowed low and
slipped, falling between Zik’s massive legs and throwing his hands out,

Knocking Elvis’s beer and scotch over and down Elvis’s legs, splashing onto his sneakers.  
Elvis grinned at the spider. “THAT is why we call him Smoothie.” Smoothie got his footing
and straightened himself out as the spider patiently let him extricate himself from the
spider’s legs, one of Virgil’s maintenance bot's appeared, a small hovering ball,  similar in
design to Bomblinson’s camera bot, slim wire like appendages extended with a rag, wiping
down Zik, picking up the empty glass and can, while Virgil’s incredible Ascendant
technology instantaneously changed Elvis’s jeans, socks and sneakers in the blink of an
eye to clean, dry ones. A fresh, full, cold beer and a scotch appeared back on Zik’s “back”
as Smoothie stared in wonder at all of this. “Holy shit, the stories are true about Virgil!
Sorry Zik, sorry Elvis, good to see you Zik, Elvis, with a ships computer that can do that,
you could rule this

universe!”   Elvis picked up the new beer and scotch and toasted Smoothie as Beer Two
extended a mug of rocket fuel , placing  it on the ground with a straw in front of Zik. “Don’t
think I haven’t thought of that but, well, The Cybernetic children of the Ascendant, of
which Virgil is a member, actually answer of course to their creators the “Ascendant” or
ascended as some call them and hopefully there will be no copyright issues there (inside
joke some of our readers may get ) anyway, they have placed certain restrictions and
protocols on Virgil and on my having him and the ship and sadly, no ruling the universe.
Now when’s the last time you saw Drusilla?” Smoothie looked at the floor. “Its been years,
ever since I broke a few promises and she caught me cheating on her and stole some
Lubricator technology from me and sabotaged my ship and took off!”  Elvis made eye
contact with Virgil, across the bay, chatting with the

Gnarled Draco with the implants and Virgil’s voice issued from Elvis’s wrist watch even
though in holographic form he was currently speaking in Draco to Smoothies oldest crew
member.  “I think the pieces are all coming together, this Drusilla that you both knew,
must be using the Lubricator technology that she stole from the good captain, here and
plundering the wealth and technology of the galaxy with it.” I also detect a small
transceiver/transmitter, homing device ,camera on a female member of Smoothies crew,
the red head with the red high heeled boots, Pink halter top and big hoop ear rings and
lazer rifle strapped to her back. Do not alert her to the fact that we now know she is a spy
and I will tap into the signal and home in on it.” Smoothie heard all this with shock and
whispered to Elvis as he looked over to the beautiful but fierce looking red haired woman
that the Colonel was chatting up and obviously putting the moves on. “My god, that’s
Cassie, she signed aboard three solar years and she’s been seeing, Leftie, the Plaedian
over there with the golden bandana and long scar on his forehead.

Far away from the Visigoth and the Perseus am in an uncharted area of the galaxy, on the
unknown but rumored to exist, planet known as Planet Doom, in the  hidden fortress base
, nestled in bleak looking mountains covered in ice and snow, Queen Drusilla sat in her
command center , at her desk, sipping a brandy Alexander and smoking a Virginia Slim,
watching on a holo screen, from the tiny spy implant placed in the ear ring of her trusted
spy and fellow sister in the Naked Vampire sisterhood, she could see and hear the
surviving crew of the Inebriator and that of Elvis Mellon in his fantastic star ship the
Visigoth, all chatting, drinking, laughing and it was beginning to piss her off to see Elvis
Mellon and Captain Smoothie O Felon, two of her  former paramours and ship mates, who
had both burned her and cheated on her and lied to her, standing there next to that
monstrous spider, all laughing and carrying on!! There was that blasted cat sitting there
smugly talking to a  renegade

Gray, and that loud mouthed Colonel was talking so loud into Cassies ear that Drusilla
couldn’t hear what Elvis and Smoothie were saying , or what the cat was saying. She hated
that cat more and more and had a grudging admiration for him at the same time. The
stories floating around about him made him out to be a super brain with awesome
organizational skills and the ability to figure out anything and overcome all of Elvis’s
enemies and opponents. She marveled at the size of the docking bay with its rows of
fighter and shuttle craft and watched in awe as tables laden with every kind of exotic food
from all over the galaxy materialized out of thin air courtesy of Virgil’s fantastic ascendant
technology. If she could some how defeat Elvis Mellon and steal his ship she could rule the
galaxy! She used her remote control to turn the sound up on the transmission but still
couldn’t hear over the Colonels incessant chatter! Now he was asking Cassie if she wanted
to go to his private quarters and listen to his collection of Devo, Flock of Seagull and
Liberace records.    


Little did Queen Drusilla realize but at that very moment as the party aboard Visigoth
roared on, Virgil had homed in on the origin of the signal and now knew the location of
Planet Doom and recognized the altered Lubricator and other galactic confederation
technologies involved in the transmitting carrier beam, knowing this was indeed the Naked
Vampires behind this and led by Elvis and Smoothies former shipmate. Drusilla decided to
beam up to her ship - the Impaler, in orbit above Planet Doom and with lightning speed
she and her girls would raid more worlds but this time further in towards galactic center.
As the Impaler cloaked and left orbit around
Planet Doom, “Raazorr” The gnarled older Draco with the cybernetic eye, was listening
intently to Virgil and Elvis filling Captain Smoothie in on their findings at Cesspoolus
three. Virgil was describing the hybrid humanoid Bat that one of the Tranquilis colonist’s
had shot and what sophisticated genetics had gone into making it. Raazorr cleared his
throat and asked if he could interrupt the talking holographic being for a moment. Virgil
smiled and gestured   for the Draco to speak his mind. The old pirate   turned his one good
eye, the large yellowish reptilian, seldom blinking one , to Virgil. “This may be a long shot
but my cousin is a famous or infamous Draco scientist named Hemroidicus Buurrnzz, his
labs are way out

on a far flung Draco outpost named Reptilicon # 6-113, well, he is the one ( Raazorr
gestures to his cybernetic eye and hand ) that  gave me these implants when I lost the eye
and hand during the Draco vs. Spider wars and that’s when I said screw the Draco high
counsel and Emperor , I couldn’t even get the Veterans administration to pay for anything
and Hemroidicus did this for me as a favor and I paid him  back after I became a pirate and
signed aboard with Captain Smoothie (winks with his one good eye and  points to
Smoothie with  shiny, metallic , razor sharp claws)  and Hemroidicus  has a niece named
Vantaress Buurrnzz and she followed in her Uncles footsteps as a scientist and she
specialized in genetics and is one of the leading Draco geneticist’s. Hemroidicus son
Myron, who by the way- disgraced his Father by announcing he was a vegetarian and ran
off and became a beautician, as a matter of fact he gave me these ear rings

points to
elaborate golden Draco teeth ear rings  hanging below the small flap of scaly skin above
the tiny  holes that are his ears )  and he stays in
contact with  Vantaress and we talk every now and then and Myron said she was  traveling
to some planet called Kaytallarian and capturing these native , sentient bats and doing
genetic experiments on them.  Myron is a real animal rights activist and pacifist and he
tried to help them escape and he got banned from Reptilicon 6-113.  I don’t know if there’s
a connection but I thought you should know.”
Elvis and Virgil looked at each other and Virgil said quietly for Elvis’s ears only, with an eye
on the red haired spy still flirting with the Colonel “I have the location of the two way
transmission, a star system not that far from Eridanus, near in the Orion constellation,
what are we doing?” Elvis drained his scotch and beer, tossing the beer

can in Beer Two’s trash receptacle and handing the scotch to the service bot for a refill. “I
say we pay a visit to this Vantaress Buurrnzz on Reptilicon 6-113, and we send Hector,
Sedgwick and Thirteen and maybe Thor to find this source transmission planet in the
Vandal and then we meet them there. Virgil suddenly got that far off look that meant he
was receiving incoming data. “News feeds and galactic chatter says the Naked Vampire
women have just raided to worlds further in from the rim.”  Jeff Jetstoned and Cad
Bomblinson had been chatting with various pirates and Doctor Sax, and Smoky but had
now come over to hear the latest developments and Raazorr’s story. Cad Bomblinson had
been recording all of the events since first leaving Cesspoolus three but didn’t know that
Virgil was simply wiping the camera bots hard drive and blocking the feed to Z.G.N at its
various offices/news centers through out the galactic sector. He looked disturbed when

Elvis mentioned going to Reptilicon 6-113 and he had to put his two cents in. “Reptilicon 6-
113 is in Draco space and you are their biggest enemy and have a death sentence on your
head, PLUS your now sort  of working for or WITH the Galactic Confederation, whom they
now share an uneasy truce with, wouldn’t your waltzing into one of their scientific
outposts be an act of war? NOT to mention, get your ass killed?” Elvis grinned and
scratched his rather large belly as Virgil also grinned and came to stand next to him. “Hey,
this IS ME we are talking about! You have seen what Virgil here can do and this ship too!!
We can walk in and out with them not even knowing we were there or we can orbit that
planet looking like Zor’s own personal flag ship the Decapitator and waltz in there
disguised as Zor himself and a squad of his best shock troops, sweat it not my friend.”  
Jeff Jetstoned was quiet, looking troubled and holding Laurens leash tight as the gigantic,
hairy spider pined for Zik and tried to pull Jetstoned towards the crystalline, neurotic
spider that now tried to hide  his enormous form behind Elvis. Jetstoned cleared his throat
and spoke up while tugging at the spider’s leash. “I am with Elvis on this one, F@#$ those
Draco bastards ( turning to the Draco pirate ) NO offense , and IF they are helping those
Vampire bitches , I say we let Lauren loose and kick some serious Draco and Vampire
Bitch ass!!”   The old Draco pirate chuckled and showed his toothy, crocodile smile. “No
offense taken son, I am loyal to no one but Smoothie and our crew and any friends of
Smoothie (gesturing to Elvis

and present company)  are friends of mine and my cousin and his niece never did me any
favors they didn’t over charge me for so I am all for a good ass whooping, and ( to Elvis ) if
you wouldn’t mind I would like to tag along on this one.”
Captain Smoothie nodded in agreement and raised his tankard of rum high. “Yes, if you
don’t mind ( looking from Virgil to Elvis and back ) after we drop some of the crew back at  
our base, I would like to come along with my old friend Raazorr here and a few of the crew
and help out. Virgil, when ever you can restore my ship or build me a new one I would be
for ever in your dept but for now we would like to stay aboard Visigoth.”Virgil looked to
Elvis for approval and Elvis gave the thumbs up and  gingerly extended a hand to Raazorr’s
metal claw and one to Captain Smoothie, they in turn took his hands ,

Raazorr was careful not to cut him and honored that he shook the implant and Smoothie
took his other hand firmly and shook it vigorously. Elvis grinned and said.   “DEAL!! And
Virgil will get to work on your ship when this fiasco is over.” Elvis nodded for the chimps
and Thirteen to come over and they walked over, drinks in hand. Elvis bent down a little, a
habit he got into when he first met the chimps and later when he met Thirteen, because
he towered over all of them and didn’t want them to think he was talking down to them.
Sedgwick was the senior member,

outranking thirteen and his younger brother Hector, so Elvis addressed him. “You guys
take Vandal and Virgil will feed you the coordinates and I want you to do a little recon
mission on that Planet, we suspect that it’s the legendary Planet Doom. Do not get your
asses captured (turning to thirteen) or do anything stupid like try and play Hero, just
report back to us and we will  rendezvous there when we can.” He stood up and addressed
the rest of the crowd.” Now let’s get back to  the business at hand ( holding up  his scotch
glass and eyeing a few of the other humanoid women pirates )  we have oceans of booze
and mountains of food, and music and plenty of other goodies , so I think we can have a
little fun before going Vampire hunting!!” The crowd cheered and roared and howled and
Elvis noticed that the Colonel was leaving the docking bay with the red hair Pirate  lady in
tow.
TO BE CONTINUED
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