THE JOSEPH MELLON EPISTLE'S -   AN ELVIS MELLON ADVENTURE SET
IN AN ALTERANTE TIMELINE IN  1961,62 AND ON
INTRO  WRITTEN  BY RICH "ELVIS" MELLON
COPYRIGHT 2007

For our new and older readers of the strange and often bizarre,
decadent- misadventures of Elvis Mellon-  “Intergalactic Pirate radio
station dj , media celebrity and part time superhero”




As you have deduced if you have read the introduction/foreword and or
explanation in/on the menu directory –or read any of the other bizarre
stories such as “an Elvis Mellon Christmas”  or  Elvis Mellon Halloween
”  or perused the pages of  Cabo Diablo, then you know that these
stories involve a lot of space and time travel by Elvis Mellon and his
crew of Lunatics  –both  with and with out their ship “The Visigoth.”
There is also  a strange space/time vortex located off the shore
's  of
Cabo Diablo  in the Bermuda triangle, and this bizarre anomaly has been
wreaking havoc on and around this deserted Caribbean island , not only  
in 2007, 2008
, 2009, etc,  but in  many  other time periods as well and
even  effecting time lines and   alternate “probable”  futures, past’s
and presents.  In the particular time line we will visit now, something
Elvis Mellon did in late 2007 , his getting pulled into the

vortex and trying to use his Ascendant technology  watch  to  open  his
own  portable star gate/time portal and jump  back  out of it, effected
and perhaps created a very  similar , near identical  timeline , where
its currently  1961 and another “Elvis Mellon” (  his actual  name is
Joseph Mellon, as Elvis’s was before he changed it ) is age forty six
in 1962 instead of being born then like Elvis Mellon  of all the other
stories and timelines was. Elvis Mellon finds himself able to jump to
this time line and repeatedly  does so, fascinated with how his
“younger/older” self ( long story  )  has turned out so different in
many ways and has taken a road that 2007 Elvis ( born  in 1962 ) did
not. This is an  alternative or parallel story line in the adventures
of Elvis Mellon and for this we must hearken back to those turbulent
but golden years of 1961, 62, 63 to  bring you the story of one Joseph
Mellon a travel writer in his mid forties , writing for the
distinguished and venerable

Magazine known as the Triumvirate, founded by several former employees
of the New Yorker and also based in New York City, Madison Avenue in
Manhattan, New York, to be exact. Joey Mellon thought he had a rather
idyllic life living in a New York suburb with his wife and kids and
commuting into the city to write and occasionally traveling to foreign
and domestic locales to write travelogues and articles on great
vacation and cultural destinations. Joey Mellon also wrote for the
Triumvirates sister company “Telstar Publications” known for publishing
science fiction and fantasy anthology magazines like “Weird tales from
space” and a series of comic books featuring a creation of Joseph
Mellon’s ( so  he thought ) Elvis Mellon and Colonel T.P Sommo along
with other characters that are very popular with kids, teenagers and
adults.  Joey Mellon is starting to feel like he has entered the world
of “The Twilight zone” which ironically was a very popular American
television show in 1961, 62, etc- having run from 1957 to 1964.

Joey felt this way because starting in the spring of 1961 he started
seeing some very strange things like a large Gray American house cat
wearing square , black framed glasses and talking ( in a voice eerily
similar to that of comedian/actor Paul Lynde no less  )  and a large
car sized translucent spider that also talked and Joseph Mellon
realized that these strange apparitions were his own ( so he thought )
creations from his “Elvis Mellon”  space opera-science fiction-comic
book stories and he was also starting to see Elvis Mellon, looking very
much  like Joseph Mellon except with a beard, Fedora, aviator
sunglasses and basket ball sneakers. Joey would see them standing on
street corners in New York city  or

on the side of the road on his commute home or later when he got an
apartment in New Jersey to work on his novel he would find them lurking
outside his window or sitting on  his  back porch. He would also see
them around the same time he saw flying saucers and other strange
phenomenon and he is starting to think he is having a nervous breakdown
and he is sharing his experiences with his chief editor and boss, who
is also his friend, Melvin Bender.  Melvin has Joey seeing a
psychiatrist, Doctor’s Felderstein. This is when the fun begins. Join
us now in 1961 as Melvin Bender addresses a message that Joey gave him
concerning seeing these apparitions and Melvin suspects this is all
brought on by Joeys imbibing of too many martinis.  

This story is  being co written by Richard “Elvis” Mellon - the creator
of Elvis Mellon and his bizarre universe/multiverse and all the
characters that inhabit this strange universe And  also by two of his
friends ,  associates  and guest writers,  Mr. Michael Banks and Joseph
Jeffrey  Fischer.   The first “exchanges” were written “off the cuff”
spontaneously by Mr. Banks and Richard “Elvis” Mellon and each
“exchange” Transmission/text will have the authors name at the top. So
hearken back with us to the year 1961 (  or at  least  one alternate
timeline version  of that year.
The following story is communicated through a series of letters,
telegrams and teletypes, recorded phone conversations and  other
current means of communication of the era.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Written by Mike Banks-Below. )    



The following  was  phone message sent  from  the office of Melvin
Bender , chief editor of the Triumvirate to  the basement apartment of
his  head travel writer , Joseph Mellon




June  28th  1961   


Joey, Joey, Joey... (tsk)
Are we back doing this again??? I can feel my ulcer starting to act up
already, oy!
I don't know what pushes you over the edge like this, (sigh) but I'll
do what I can to cover for you while you work yourself through it. Ann
called a few minutes ago and wanted to know if I had heard from you,
and I said yes, I had, and that you were fine. How I lie to this woman!
You are not fine. The deadline for the  Quebec   article is the 12th,
and the Art Department is starting to nudge for the piece, so they can
at least get a start on the graphics. You better pray they don't get
Shellie involved, because you know how worked-up he gets. He spent good
money and gave you plenty of time to pull it together, by sending you
to see that Up-town shrink in the Brooks Brothers suit. What happened?
Everything was going so well, and now... poof...we're back to square
one!  I thought when Ann gave you her support to go ahead and rent that
basement shit-hole apartment

over in Jersey, so you could write the Great American Novel in peace
and quiet, away from the kids and the dog, that this was the ticket.
You're lucky to have a wife like that, and not many women would do it!
You also never had a problem doing the travel write-ups for us, and it
gave you some not-too-shabby gelt in your envelope at the end of the
week either. You are Joseph  Richard Mellon. You are a writer.
Helllllllooooooo??? So write, already!  I'll come out there to see you,
but I have to meet Shellie for lunch at that place he goes to up on
43rd Street. He likes their Pastrami. I'd prefer the Peking Duck from
Hop Ling’s in China town, but he's buying. Anyway. I need you clear-
headed, and I need that article. Lay off the booze.
You start hitting the bottle, and I get mashugginah mumbo-jumbo about
talking cats, glass spiders, and little gray (shouldn't they be green?)
men from outer space. Enough! You're killing me, already!  I'll be like
poor Hemmingway! I don't know if you heard but they found him dead as a
Carp the other day, and the papers said he may have pulled his own pin.
( sound of alkasetlzer tablets dropping into a glass of water )  ..
ssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzhhhhaaaaaaaa... asked Morey on Thursday about
the editorial... ssssssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhhhaaaaaaaaa...
when he's free. He just came back from visiting his Mother in Miami,
and what a tan he came back with...
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
hhh


------------------------------------------------------------------------

(  written  by Rich “Elvis” Mellon )    

The following   letter was sent from Joseph Mellon’s basement apartment
in   Morris plains New Jersey to Melvin Benders office at the
Triumvirate on Madison avenue in Manhattan.  


July 2nd 1962

Hello Melvin

Um, Thanks for covering for me again!  I swear I am going to pull it together! Its just
well, this cold and that Vicks cough syrup, O.k. I put a little Brandy in it and some
goof balls and it threw me for a loop! God, lets hope Shellie doesn't get involved
again!! He will fire me for sure this time and I missed my last two appointments with
Doctor Felderstein! , that is guy a quack!!!! Brooks brothers suit or not!!!  But Melvin,  
I  have got to tell you something, now I know everyone thinks I

am  nuts  and  Ann is worried and her Mother , the old battle axe,  wants her to
divorce me and thinks I should be committed to Bellevue !  But I swear to you on all
that’s holy that , that Cat  was back again last night!!  The big Gray one and you have
got to believe me!! He talks!! Yes, he talks and he  sounds like that comedian and
actor, the guy that was on Broadway last year in Bye Bye Birdie as the girlfriends
Father ,Paul lynde and   I swear to you I am not going crazy !!  

I    realize that  the cat  is a   character in my story's like Elvis Mellon    and  I figured
since Elvis Presley just got out of the army last year  and he’s bigger then ever, then  
people will associate my characters name with him and like it!  Hey I struck gold when
I   came up with him!!   But that cat,    Well, he says he's a genetically modified cat
from way in our future, like past   2005 a.d!!!  Can you believe that?  Over forty four
years from now!!   He may be a Venusian or Martian or something and he says this is
all real!!  Mrs. Kravitz,  the land lady (God- she would make a great character in one
of those comedy's...Gladys Kravitz!!  The Nosy old Cow...) she SAW the cat leaving
through the basement window and thought I am keeping a pet!! I think she steams
open my mail!!  The get well card that little Jimmy sent with me with the drawing of
Bullwinkle and Rocky in crayon looked like it had been crumpled and it smelled like
lemon pledge, Sorry for rambling on like a lunatic,    I just don't know what’s real
anymore!!  

Felderstein says that I am being influenced by Rod Serlings show "The Twilight zone"
and I had told him that I submitted a few story's in screenplay form for them, you
know. I am still waiting to hear back but don't tell Morey or Jerome but especially
Shellie!!!

I told the Doc that,  yes,    I do love that show and since it came out three years ago
, I miss an episode except for a   few times when the
G.E ,  the one they copied from the Hot Point  that  I bought in 57, when  it   crapped
out a few times or  I had to stay for the deadline , Well  I swear on  my children and
Pookie,  my dog ,  that , THAT cat WAS AS REAL as  day , and wearing black framed  
glasses ,  like Cronkite  wears  but not  the rounder ones like Dave Garroway wears,   
and I was working on the  Quebec story, had all my notes out and    I was hammering
away

on the old Underwood , a quiet tab,  and  had the humidifier going and I was listening
to “Murray the K” that Hip rock and roll dj , and   I   have to run  a wire out the
window with a coat hanger and some tin foil and I think that’s   how "they"  found
me,   and I know I didn't drink that much Hiram Walker Blackberry Brandy with the
Vicks and I only took a few more anti anxiety pills then the doc prescribed when there
was a

knock at the back window and Melvin,  I swear on all that is holy -  there was some
flash of light-  and  for a minute- I saw this big guy about my size and  he could have
BEEN ME!!  with  the sport coat and sunglasses and hat, just  like  they drew him (
Elvis Mellon ) on the cover of  first  "Tales  of Cabo Diablo" -  spin-off-  
"Misadventures of Elvis Mellon"  in "Elvis Mellon and Colonel T.P Sommo fight
Khrushchev's mutant ape men," and  he put the cat down and took out a flask and
drank some of it and then he pissed on Mrs. Kravitz's  rose bushes and he  told the
cat he would come back for him in an hour and he just disappeared!!  Then the cat

comes in and tells me if I don't finish the Christmas story  I will never get my big
break  and  go to Hollywood and  I will be  listening to Shellie’s  tirades and  rants
about  why Broderick Crawford should have gotten the Oscar   and how Castro  is
misunderstood   and  how I  look like Orson Welles for ever, forever !!!  I don't know,
I just don't know, maybe Ann is right and I should ask her brother Murray if that
insurance job is still open in Pittsburgh, but  I cant give up writing!!! God forgive me,
I love that woman and my kids but if I had to choose between writing and well,


you know the answer to that!   Anyway, hold on Melvin, there’s "someone scratching"
at the back window, I will call you soon,

Sincerely,

Joseph Mellon

------------------------------------------------------------------------
 ( written by  Rich “Elvis” Mellon - below )     

The following letter was sent to Melvin Bender at the Triumvirate in
New York city, from Joseph Mellon in New Jersey.

July  5th  3rd 1961.

Hello Melvin,



I am sorry for that, last crazy letter, this  "cold"  has really  thrown me for a loop!   I
must have gotten it at the club,  when we were taking a steam . I always thought
those people don't clean as well as they should and the towel boys don't
wash their hands! So, its getting um strange  here in Jersey,  Melvin, I got a call from
Herb Goldfarb one of the attorneys that Shellie keeps on retainer and  he said  that I
am lucky  we
haven't gotten sued , because their claiming that  "Elvis Mellon" (I know this sounds
crazy!!  ) is NOT my creation or my  idea for a comic book or sci-fi anthology  for our
sister company - Telstar publications ,  but according to  Morey's brother in law , Saul
Silverstein,  he is a real guy ??!!  Some comedian/singer celebrity!!  He said he has
seen him on the Jack Paar show (now the Tonight show) several times since 1956 and
he

has popped up on Sid Caesars Show of Shows, The Dinah Shore show, Milton Berle's
Texaco hour!!  Yeeeeesh  , I  swear to you  Melvin, You have known me for all these
years now,   I was at your sons Bar mitzvah   and  you came to my boys ( both of
them ) communions and the Tuesday night card games and the Belmont and  well you
know me! I  made him up !  I looked  in the mirror
and  imagined my "alter ego"  and  I just  made up this wise cracking, big Bear of a
guy- sort of Irish and English, Remember when I sketched him on the cocktail napkin  
when we were at Katz's Delicatessen a year ago?? Well,   I also got a call from  
someone representing N.B.C and  they wanted to see what kind of "contract"  we had
"Elvis Mellon" sign up with  for his "name and image"  to grace my comics and short
story's!!!  Christ on a cracker !   There is no God dammed contract!    I told you the
other night,   I thought I saw him!  and I talked to the cat  three  times now but since
I woke up yesterday,   in the cold light of day and all, I figured it was the booze and
medication, I haven't had a drop since yesterday and flushed the pills down the
crapper. I cooked a good breakfast of ham and eggs and a few cups of coffee, I
showered and drove back into Chelsea with the Ford Galaxy, I should have left it with
Ann but I just bought it last year and I deserve a few perks!  I love that car but the
white paint job is hard to keep clean, So I drove   to see Ann and the kids and spent
the day with them. It breaks my heart to leave them and live out here in Jersey but

its so nice and peaceful out here, so Rural and green! Anyway,  on the drive back I
was being tailed by a Black Lincoln Continental and when I got back into Jersey they
caught up with me,  two Federal agents and they were not
N.S.A, they were C.I.A  and they were asking me all of these questions about Elvis
Mellon and if I  have I met him! I said to them “Met him? He’s a God dammed figment
of my imagination and I created him!
"   They said they have seen  him on tv and I
couldn’t have made him up and they wanted to know if I had a twin brother and then
they were asking me if I have seen any large gray  cats!


Can you believe that Melvin??   What have I got myself into?  I told them I have not
seen  any  of these alleged television appearances that maybe some clown read my
stories or say the comic books and stole the name and dresses like him but the
agents said his appearances were before my stuff  on him  was even  published  back  
in  April  of 57.  I told them that to the best of my knowledge I created the character
from my imagination and   I am   just a normal Joe, a regular guy, I was 4F because
of my back and my broken ear drum but I  wrote for Stars and Stripes and then they
asked me about my  trip to Berlin in 1936 and  I  told them that  am not some
commie or spy! I told them about College  went to Dartmouth and left early to go to
Berlin and Spain and to see the world and then when I got back  from covering the
war for Stars and Stripes I  met and married Ann  we waited awhile to have kids  and
I made a name for my self at the  The New
Yorker!  I told them how I met you, Shellie and Morey and when you started the
Triumvirate and left the New Yorker you asked me to go with you. Hey it may not be
the Esquire but we are getting there! You even said my Travel articles have been well


received and Shellie told me that Mayor Wagner reads them!!  Anyway- I asked the
Feds why all the questions about Elvis Mellon and this cat and they said National
security and it was classified.   They insist I must have met him and then gotten his
permission to make the comic book about him! He was just a spin off from that Cabo
Diablo story I wrote after you sent me to Puerto Rico to do that story on Marlin fishing
and I heard the crazy flying saucer story's and the stuff about the Commies and
Castro being so close,  Jeeeze Melvin, imagine if  they ever built missiles right there
in Cuba with atomic
bombs?! So, anyway,     they let me go but told me to contact them if I should talk to
Elvis Mellon or see any big Gray Cats and I have to wonder if Saul put them up to that
as a practical joke?  How do I know they were really Feds? Ian Fleming should write
Something about drunken Irish American time travelers and talking space cats
threatening national security and they send in James Bond, NOW THATS the kind of
stuff I want to write, not just places to eat and hotels in Toledo Ohio, or  Mexico, that’
s why I do my science fiction stuff on the side for Tales of Weird space. Well, anyway,
I am drinking black coffee and some tonic water and the only thing I have taken is
aspirin. But I keep thinking about what that Cat said,    that "Elvis Mellon was very
pleased with my portrayal of him in my stories and comics and he will be meeting me
soon to thank me.  Meanwhile Shellie called and said all the Elvis Mellon and Cabo
Diablo story's are on hold till Legal straightens this mess out. I will try and finish the
Quebec article tonight.
God I would love a good belt of Irish Whiskey but I don't want to see any Moon men  
or talking cats! I will be in the office early Monday morning, Thanks again for not
saying anything and I will have your money (from the bet....) by the end of the week.
I am not going to open that back window   for anything tonight. See you Monday.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
( Written  by Rich "Elvis" Mellon-below )


The following letter was sent from Ann Mellon in Chelsea to her soon to be EX -  husband,  
Joseph Mellon in New Jersey.   


July  6th 1961
Dear Joseph,

I am sorry I did not say anything to you yesterday  when  you came to visit, and thank you for the
Entenmanns Banana bread and the kids really liked their gifts of the Easy Bake oven for Susie and the
boys loved the Etch a Sketch and the Operation Moon base! But Joey , you know I love you and the
kids love you but you have been away too long and ever since you insisted on moving out to New
Jersey to work on that dammed novel of yours and those crazy comic books, and your friend and
superior at Triumvirate MELVIN BENDER- keeps sending you off to Puerto Rico and Mexico and
Canada and Toledo Ohio and Detroit Michigan, for long weekends and sometimes weeks, God knows
what you get up to. Melvin always says your fine and I know he’s covering for you!

You know that I am very good friends with Morey's sister Silvia Silverstein and people are talking you
know...They say you were seeing a Head doctor and you quit going. Is this true Joey? Silvia said that
Saul said that you are a good writer
But your spending way too much time on those crazy way out kooky comic books about that Elvis
Mellon character and his talking space cat and the big glass spider- that frightens the children you
know! Bobby had a nightmare about some talking spider the size of a car and it’s the craziest thing. He
said he sounded like that fellow-  on your records...Bob Newhart?  That's because you were always
playing them over and over. Saul says you and Melvin go to the Belmont a lot and you gamble! I am
tired of waiting for you to come home. I

WANT A DIVORCE! I GOT A LAWYER FROM Saul, That Herb Goldfarb and hes drawing up the papers
and I am moving to Florida with the kids and we are moving in with Mom for awhile. Your landlady Mrs.
Kravitz is a very nice lady, she called me this morning to tell me you have been drinking again, and she
found your bottles in the garbage. She said you have strange people coming around at night and she
heard you talking to someone and yelling at them and it was just a poor little pussycat!  You can stay
out in that little apartment in the basement in New Jersey and drink your booze and gamble and talk to
cats as far as I am concerned!! GOOD BYE Joseph Richard Mellon!!

You’re soon to be EX-WIFE Ann Beauford Mellon


------------------------------------------------------------------------
( Written by Rich "Evlis" Mellon -below )  



(  A YEAR  LATER  AFTER JOSEPH MELLON’S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN  IN  MARCH  
OF 1962 )      

The following letter was sent to  the office of   Melvin Bender from
Joseph Mellon


July 11th  1962


To the office of Mr. Melvin Bender,   managing Editor of the Triumvirate.

Hello Melvin,

Thank you for the “sick leave” I took back in March.  I know you have been vacationing
in Miami and might not have heard that my divorce went through.   I tried to work
things out with Ann but she was adamant and says “what happened to the man I
loved and married?”   I know you advised me not to tell her about the cat ,  the one
wearing glasses   and the big glass spider and my creation , “Elvis Mellon, ”  that I
write for our sister company “Telstar publications”  and their science fiction anthology
magazine  “Weird tales of space.”  I make sure they do not interfere with   my travel
articles for Triumvirate. Well, when Ann heard that I claimed to have been talking to
the cat and spider and followed

Around by a guy that looks just like the illustrations of Elvis Mellon and I have seen
him on Jack Parr, she flipped!  The trip to Bellevue, and subsequent treatment didn’t
help any and writing that book out in Jersey, it just became too much for her.  She
gets the house and the kids live with her and I can see them every other weekend so
it’s not so bad.  I have been taking the medication that  Doctor Felderstein prescribed
and I have been  seeing him  Tuesday’s on my lunch  hour at his Madison  avenue
office ,  He has this cute receptionist Doris  that I asked out to dinner but she cant
date the Doc’s patients.  Anyway,   I feel fit as a fiddle and I haven’t seen anything
stranger then  “Uncle Milty” in a dress  or that crazy “White fang” on the “Soupy Sales
show”  in  months.

I know I  see  you everyday in the office and at the weekly meetings with Shellie and  
Morey , but I didn’t want it all over the office about my divorce as that is rather
scandalous even in this age of modern marvels and  sparkling new year  of 1962 a.d!
I am sure everyone will know soon enough when I show up stag at the company picnic
and the tongues will be wagging around the water cooler but that’s life!!  I have been
trying to enjoy being a bachelor again and I went with my cousin Jimmy from  Mom’s
side of the family, the bartender from Flushing you met at the  poker game , and   we
went to see that new war film about D day “The Longest day” , Jeeeze , that  was a
long movie!! Some big cast  
Though,   John Wayne, Hank Fonda, Bob Mitchum, that Brit.  Richard Burton that we
saw in “Camelot” with our wives,  Oh , Jeeeze, Melvin,  I still miss her , but anyway,   
Jimmie and I got a few hot dogs over at Nathan’s and after the movie we had a few
beers ,  I didn’t have anything harder then that,  Melvin, honest injun!   And we called
it a night. Anyway, I will have that article on Akron Ohio on your desk first thing
tomorrow!!  It’s the funny thing, I don’t know if its one of my neighbors here  in the
little house I  am renting here in Morris plains , but I keep hearing this voice outside
in the yard and dammed if he doesn’t sound just like Bob Newhart!! Anyway, keep the
divorce business under your hat for now please and I will see at tomorrow meeting.

Sincerely,  


Joseph R Mellon  

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Written by Mike Banks)  

The following letter was sent to Joseph Mellon in  New Jersey, from
Melvin Benders office in New York.

July 16th 1962.   

Dearest Joey,

Think nothing of my covering for your leave of absence, my friend!  
It's great to hear you've had a good rest, things are clearer for you
now, and that you'll be back turning in material again. The grad-
student we had filling in for you is a total putz, so the pleasure will
be mine tomorrow morning, when I direct him to go take a flying fuck at
a rolling dough-nut and kick his scrawny goat-teed ass out onto
Sheboygan Avenue!  How much worse can these college kids get? Oy! Every
time he would hand in a supposedly "completed" piece I'd have to have
Leo or Fat Marge re-write the entire copy, from all the mistakes,
espresso stains, and cigarette burns on it! Little tiny burns, too,
from those oddball little twisted smokes of his, like I catch him
smoking when he fucks-off  down in the back of the old storage room,
then comes back in here laughing at everything!  They stink like
burning leaves! What are they,...  British???  And, like I actually
could turn final copy in like that to Morey. Gott in Himmel!  He'd send
me back on vacation... permanently!!!
Oh, and speaking of! I had a good time! Miami was great, I came back
with a good tan, and my mother is healing nicely after the Gaul
bladder. Now if only my fancy schmancy brother Stan and that platinum
blondie shiksa would stop trying to clean out the bank account I set up
for her down there!
So Joey... Bubbalah... tell me this thing with Ann is behind you, and
that we won't be having anymore episodes with the talking cats and the
glass spiders, and the Elvises already!  I need you to be top-notch
when you show up in here! Shellie and Morey called a closed-door
meeting on Tuesday afternoon. Shellie  said there is renewed interest
in the Hispanic Tropics, and with Cuba out of the game since '59
because of that friggin' Castro, (Morey says Kennedy needs to ram that
cigar straight up his commie ass!), that leaves Puerto Rico as the
closest reliable vacation destination for the tourists. Some of the
other agencies have already jumped on this, and Shellie knows it. So,
he's looking for a twist nobody has on it; something different. Now, I
was down there a few years ago, and believe me, there isn't anything
happening in those inland mountains, and San Juan is yesterday’s news.
Now Stan is no mench, but he does have his talents. He gets around a
lot down in Florida and Puerto Rico, and he actually had something for
me that sounded useful.

A couple of months ago he was slipping his kishka into this good
looking red head. She was married to a guy who had embezzled one shit-
load of gelt from some mining outfit up in the northwest. Well, it
turns out he had extensive sailing experience, and had stumbled onto
some little forgotten island just off Puerto Rico. He wanted red to go
on the lam with him there, because the place was supposed to be some
unbelievable Garden of Eden type natural paradise, and he figured they
could hide out there until the heat was off. She wasn't crazy about the
idea of "going to the mattresses" and leaving her nail salon, her
Jaguar convertible, and her affinity with my brother Stan's big fat
schwantz-schtikka, but it was a lot of money her hubby was talking
about. She agreed to go with him. Before leaving, she needed an extra
big portion of Stan to tide her over, and when he had her in the sack,
that's when she told him about this island called Cabo Diablo. Funny
thing was, both her and her husband never made it there. Stan read in
the papers the next day that they were both found floating naked in
their kidney shaped swimming pool, dead as a couple of carp! Stan
figured the mining company's hired goons caught up with him before they
could cheese-it to the island, and evened the score.
So,  Joey, BUDDY,  we both got a lot riding on this one!
I need you to drop everything, (including talking cats with glasses),
and find us that paradise!!! I need you to do a piece on this Eden,
Joey boy!
We'll talk the details tomorrow.

Yours,
Melvin



------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Written by Rich “Elvis” Mellon -below )  

The following telegram  was sent   by Joseph Mellon in Miami Florida  
to Melvin Bender in New York.

July  25th 1962

To the office of Mr. Melvin Bender,   managing Editor of the Triumvirate.



Hello Melvin,

Well I made it to Miami international airport by 2:30 P.M Eastern Standard time and  
Had some trepidation flying American airlines after that crash in March   in Jamaica
Bay, Queens , the one your  Uncle Sheckie was on ( God rest  his soul) but hey, and
don’t take this the wrong way,  but he lived to be ninety three. Well,  sorry , I know
you still miss him and  that was the day they  were having the ticker tape parade for
that astronaut John Glenn, don’t get me started about “outer space”  Humor , Melvin,
Humor, I kid, I know they were sending Monkeys up  for awhile and I don’t want you
to think I am relapsing  when  I mention Monkeys in space , though  of course-  
Chimpanzee’s aren’t “Monkeys”  per say because the “Great Apes”  ( Chimps, Gorilla’s,
Orangutans, etc )  don’t have tails and Monkeys do- got that from  National
Geographic,   and I wont

recount that crazy story about the Monkey  ,  well the Chimp  with the suspenders and
red shorts and silver cape , sorry, the Doc says it’s  my over active imagination  and
the stress from  the divorce and I don’t want to remind him  that’s why    I got
divorced in the first place!!!   Well , anyway,   that crazy story I told you about   
when  I got into that Taxi  on Columbus ave and the F#@$ing Chimp  was in the
driver seat saying “The cat wants to see you,”  Melvin , I am o.k.!!  I swear!! You
know how one thought triggers something else?          I got there in one piece and   
those 707’s are really something!  I have flown on few- mind you, but often fly on the
Lockheed Super Constellation’s and  Not that I am  griping about the expense  
budget, mind you,   the  Super Connie’s  are great, but they  are just don’t compare
with the Boeings! So I am waiting for the guy you said would meet here at the airport
bar that “guide”, ships captain or what ever he is?    But just wanted to touch bases
with you and thank you for this assignment! I did a little digging and contacted some
of my Cousin Jimmies Navy buddies , I know told you he did time in the Pacific but
was called back for Korea and was stationed in Cuba and I met a lot of his friends
when he had those reunions at

Shaunessy’s bar & grill in Flushing , and we will forget the crap they gave me for
being 4F but they loved my stories in Star and Stripes and when they found out I  was
at Omaha beach on June 6th and had been at Anzio and Monte Casino, they changed  
their tune quick enough,   Anyway,   they  all heard some strange tales about this
“Cabo Diablo”  and it then  dawned on me and   Melvin,  you must believe me, but  I
think  I told  you that  in those “Elvis Mellon” stories , and again,   despite what
Doctor Felderstein says about making a clean break, those  anthology stories I have
turned in for  “Telstar publications,” the   “Weird Tales of Space,” are allowing me to
not only to  pay Ann alimony and child support but my rent and kids future College
educations and  a little “scratch” on the side!!  Well, if you recall, and I know I sent
your son’s Melvin junior and Marvin copies of the story and the comic book they made
out of it, “Elvis Mellon and Colonel T.P Sommo battle Khrushchev’s   Reptile men”
episode #18 “Tales of Cabo Diablo, ”  

I didn’t even think   about it  because those “goof balls” the Doc gives me keep me a
little fuzzy and   something  sounded so familiar about the name Cabo Diablo,  
Melvin,   you know we are not just  co workers  and  technically you  are  my  boss
and  superior   and good friends , but I  swear  my kids eyes  that, that  dammed
cat,  one of the last things he said to me  before the break down and  stay  in
Bellevue,   was “Your destiny  lies in Cabo Diablo! I do not know what to think. So,
anyway,   that “guide” you sent to meet me claims he’s the guide the magazine hired
and   says he has a chartered boat? He is this  character that  calls himself “Mr. X, ”  
and he’s wearing a  Panama hat and  one of those flowery shirts,  he just showed up
and  is telling me we have to leave right away, I suddenly feel I am in one of those
James Bond novels from my    old friend , the British writer, Ian  Fleming, like  that
new  movie they just  came out with -  “Doctor No”   This guy  is acting a little
squirrelly  and keeps looking around like they are spy’s  after us!! )  

I will let you know how we made out!


Yours truly  


Joey Mellon

------------------------------------------------------------------------

( Written by Mike Banks-below  )    

The following Telegram was sent to Miami airport bar, in care of the
head bar tender to give to Joseph Mellon if he was still there or to be
forwarded to Key West,  to Joseph Mellon’s next destination

July 25th  1962.  


Joey, Joey, Joey!!!!!
Oy kavalt ish mir!!! You're killing me! I'm drinking that pink shit by
the fucking quart now, already, because my stomach walls look like a
Swiss cheese from the ulcers, and that shit is laying in my colon like
pink cement, and I haven't had a good "make" in over a week!!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE????  When I handed you the plane
ticket and the expense account information you seemed so calm... so
normal... so understanding of how our jobs lie in the balance here!!!!
OY!... Oh OYYYY!!!!
This was such an easy piece of cake! All you had to do was get off the
plane that I had driven you to at Idlewild and personally had put you
on, (with special instructions and a sawbuck to the head stewardess NOT
to come anywhere near you with anything stronger than mouthwash), and
for you to meet with the contact person that we had arranged for you to
go with! WHO THE HELL IS THIS "X" GUY IN THE FLOWERY SHIRT??? You were
supposed to meet up with Neil Brentworth, a "paid by the excursion"
helicopter rent-a-pilot!!!!

All he was
Supposed to do was fly you over the area where Stan said this place is
supposed to exist!!! Chimps driving taxi cabs??? Cats that want to meet
with you???? James Bond, and secret agents??? I swear to you,... Morey
left an actual bite-mark in the corner of the oak top of his desk this
morning! He had Margie ring up Doctor Felderstein and what he screamed
at him (he didn't need a phone, because that Felderstein, he could have
heard Morey three blocks over without it), well, I can't even print on
this paper what he yelled at him! And me? ME? Shellie says if I can't
get a handle on you in 48 hours, I don't have to worry about ever
working in print media again, oh no, he's just going to feed me to
Morey like a goddamn three day old blintz!!!!!!!!
Joey, Joey, Joey!!! Please don't let me find out that you spent all
their money on a week long binge in some Key West bar, or worse, that
you lost it all to the monkeys, and spiders, and cats, and that you're
actually locked away in some bug house rubber room in some shit-hole of
a one-horse burg south of the Mason-Dixon!!! Oh, no no no no no no no
noooooooooo! Oh Oy! Oyyyyyyyyyyyy! My stomach!!!Call me, you little
pisher! As soon as you get this, find a goddamn pay-phone and drop in a
goddamn dime!!! Do it!!!!!!!!!!! Call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're killing me,
Melvin

------------------------------------------------------------------------
( Written by Rich “Elvis” Mellon -below )     


July 25th 1962


Hello Melvin,

I had time to dash off a note and made sure I greased the Taxi driver’s palm   , No
Monkeys this time , but  a guy named Manuel ,      to make sure this gets mailed right
away.  
I got that last minute telegram you sent Western Union and relax, Melvin, I am fine! I
only had a few martinis at the airport bar and this is after all Miami, home to  fun and
sun and girls in those polka dot bikini’s Ooh la la!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,  meow!!
Oop’s, better not meow, hahahahahah, So ,  this  X guy is acting paranoid enough for
the both of us and I don’t need to see any spectacled cats, and by the by , he says   
he was sent by Neil Brentworth to come and get me and bring me to the boat that
will take me to Turks and Caico’s islands in the West Indies to the Helicopter pad
outside of Providenciales on the larger Caico island. The Brits owned it and X says
that Brentworth was delayed by the Hurricane they just had and we will be going to
San Juan AFTER we check this Cabo Diablo. This guy X is pretty tight lipped about the
island but seems to know all about you and Morey sending me to do a story and he
said something about being an ex- C.I.A

“Spook” and former N.S.A agent and being in the “Bay of Pigs” fiasco last year with
that crazy plot to kill Castro. Anyway, I had called your brother Stan, like you wanted
me to and got the inside skinny on this “Eden, as much  he could remember from that
broad he had the fling with, you know the one, the now deceased one, anyway Stan
might even try and meet me in San Juan or maybe at Turks and Caico,  once Neil and
this X’ guy  and myself  fly  over and I get a feel for this Cabo Diablo island.  I asked
a few guys at the bar from Puerto Rico if they heard of it but they just crossed
themselves and looked kind of scared and said “la casa de los diablos de los

platillos de los monstruos de mar y el volante” and my High school Spanish is a little
rusty but I think that’s “The Devils home of sea monsters and flying saucers” so those
guys must have hit the Tequila a little to hard!!  X says we are taking his boat, “The
Swashbuckler” that’s moored at Key Largo, now I don’t know what’s going back there
but HE says that he knows Neil really well and that Neil talked to Morey and you
about all this so, I don’t know, he seems like a nice enough fellah, though he sure
can put away the Cutty Sark, had three of them at the bar before   hailing the taxi
and then he was chattering away about working with
British MI5 and MI6 agents in the Bahamas like in “Doctor No” he said there  was this
mad scientist guy on one of those islands and the C.I.A and MI6 and X and some
team he put together had to go infiltrate this island and get through his private army
of ex Red Army and Casa Nostra goons, X claims Ian Fleming wrote about some of
this stuff from working with him years ago!  Anyway, wild stuff,  huh?  Listen, I will
get your story and see this island, this private Eden and either call you or fire off a
telegram as soon as we get to the islands!!  I am waiting for X to get off the pay
phone in front of the airport while the cab driver, Manuel, and exiled anti Castro
Cuban tells me some of the stories he has heard about is Cabo Diablo. He says

the legends about Columbus finding it and  seeing some strange shit and it
disappearing  and Manuel said his Grand Father told him stories about fishing off its  
beaches and seeing mermaids and strange lights under the water  and  above the
island, this is starting to have a real “Twilight Zone”  ring to it like that Rod Serling
guy is going to show up smoking a cigarette and  say, “Joey Mellon, hack travel writer
for the Triumvirate thought this was going to be a dream assignment of sun, sand,
wine, women and song, but
Instead he found sea monsters, flying saucers and mermaids” …well the mermaid part
I like!!  Hey wait a minute!   X is talking to some military guy  in a crazy uniform,
parts of it look like Standard issue U.S Army  but he has epilates and gold braiding on
his shoulders with some wild looking medals and a dark purple and silver cape like
Liberace would wear and black shiny “Jack boots” and he’s got one of those cigarette
holders like the Penguin in the Batman comics, and the funny thing is, no one is
giving him a second look in that crazy get up and he’s got two fancy pearl handled
revolvers in ornate leather holsters on both hips and sun glasses like General
Douglass Macarthur wore!!  He and X are
Pointing over here and smiling, that can’t be Neil Brentworth could it?  No, that’s
right, he’s meeting in the Caico’s islands. Oh X and the crazy looking “Colonel” are
coming this way so I guess we are off to Key Largo and beyond! I will keep you
posted Melvin, and calm down, everything will be just fine.


Yours truly,

Joey Mellon TO   BE CONTINUED
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